Ross Noble quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

What comes flat-packed and takes 4 months to assemble?

Colin Lane

IKEA, IKEA dining table.

Stephen Fry

We thought of that, I'm afraid. Sorry: [Australian Accent] sorry, Lano.

Stephen Fry

Where is the world's largest branch of IKEA?

Noel Fielding

Wembley?

Colin Lane

Australia?

Stephen Fry

Yes. Which city? You'll be annoyed.

Colin Lane

Sydney?

Stephen Fry

Yes, Sydney. As Melbourner, you'll be properly annoyed...

Colin Lane

[between gritted teeth] Great city. Lovely people.

Stephen Fry

...he said between clenched teeth.

Noel Fielding

I did some gigs there and I played the Opera House. And I was in the Opera House, doing some press. And I looked out of the window thinking, "Where's the Opera House?" Actually scanning the horizon. "Where's the Opera House gone? You're in it, you idiot!"

Ross Noble

You should have gone [looks up] "Whoa!"

Stephen Fry

Thorns are modified branches or stems. Prickles are part of the skin, which is what those are, they come out from the skin.

Ross Noble

So when Bon Jovi sang "Every rose has a thorn..."

Stephen Fry

They were lying.

Ross Noble

...he made an absolute fool of himself. That would be great wouldn't it, if you went to a Bon Jovi gig. "Every rose has a ..." Whoop! Whoop! Whoop! [imitates forfeit klaxon]

Ross Noble

Are you suggesting...?

Colin Lane

I’m not suggesting...

Ross Noble

Are you suggesting that I’m somehow pleasuring a whale?

Alan Davies

A sperm whale’s penis is about 3 metres long.

Stephen Fry

Actually, Ross got it straight away.

Ross Noble

Shut your face.

Matt Lucas

Now we know why it's called Winnie the Pooh

Ross Noble

It's really called Winnie the Filthy Shit.

Stephen Fry

13.5% of hard toys...

Alan Davies

Don't google that whatever you do. Don't google hard toys. Don't google wiping down bears.

Ross Noble

Certainly no Winnie the Filthy Shit.

Stephen Fry

They have no anuses.

Alan Davies

Ooohh, thank God for that!

Stephen Fry

Unfortunately Alan, unfortunately, the fact they have no anuses, means that when they die, a whole life time of waste is deposited on your face. That is what happens...

Ross Noble

Is this 14% of waste you can see?

Stephen Fry

No. But what...

Ross Noble

That's a lovely tan you've got there Stephen...

Sandi Toksvig

If I toot my horn and flash my lamps at exactly the same time, what is the first thing that you will notice?

Ross Noble

You've taken up dogging.

Sandi Toksvig

[After a moment of recovery] Every girl needs a hobby.

Sandi Toksvig

And finally, a male black widow spider and a female black widow spider just finished having sex. What happens next?

Ross Noble

Tiny cigarette.

Sandi Toksvig

We have some actual truffles here [hands out plates with bits of truffles]

Ross Noble

[surreptitiously empties his plate into his shirt pocket]