Sean Lock quotes from QI

Jeremy Clarkson

Did you know a veal has to have more space to be transported to the abattoir than a human being in the back of an aeroplane.

Sean Lock

...yeah, but to be fair, we have a holiday, they get killed.

Jeremy Clarkson

I had a puffin last week, that's not delicious, but the point of eating it was because I never had one before...

Sean Lock

...have you tried one of my turds?

Stephen Fry

Did you just say what I thought you said? Get out. Out now.

Jeremy Clarkson

D'you know what I had for my starter when I had the whale?

Stephen Fry

With grated puffin?

Jeremy Clarkson

I had a seal flipper, and it looked exactly like a marigold glove filled with wallpaper paste. And it sat and you thought, "Ooh …!" And it tasted exactly like licking a hot Turkish urinal.

Sean Lock

I'm very concerned that you used the word "exactly"...

Stephen Fry

Ah, there we are. It's some sort of goat. It's a goat waiting to be fucked from behind.

Sean Lock

It's a provocative goat.

Stephen Fry

Quite clearly a Greek goat.

Stephen Fry

Where do you put your ladder if you want it to go into space?

Rich Hall

On top of a spaceship. With a flag hanging on it, so other spaceships don't follow you too closely.

Bill Bailey

It's a conceptual question. How about this: Up against the wall of silence.

Stephen Fry

You should have railings build around you and people come and worship you as a kind of modern Buddha. You've got the look, I have to say.

Bill Bailey

Oh, thank you very much.

Stephen Fry

Buddha look.

Bill Bailey

Rural Buddha [in a West Country accent] Wisdom...and cheap cider.

Bill Bailey

How about this: You could just...imagine.

Stephen Fry

Oh Bill, that is so beautiful.

Bill Bailey

'Tis the wisdom of the rural Buddha.

Sean Lock

The Dalai Farmer.

Sean Lock

It’s like a mix between smug and orgasm.

Alan Davies

Smorgasm.

Stephen Fry

So that's the Cameroon's Eton tribe. They have other ethnic groups called the Bum, the Bang, the Banana, the Mang, the Fang, the Tang, the Wum, the Wam, the War, and, of course, the Pongo.

Sean Lock

Who discovered this tribe, Benny Hill?

Stephen Fry

What's the opposite of a flying fish?

Sean Lock

Tunnelling flamingo!

Stephen Fry

Name something that's much easier to do when you're wearing boxing gloves.

Sean Lock

Frisk a porcupine.

Stephen Fry

Very good!

Johnny Vegas

Give up masturbating!

Sean Lock

Salamanders can go in fire, can't they?

Stephen Fry

Yes, that's the legend, presumably that's what happened.

Marcus Brigstocke

How long can a salamander go in fire?

Sean Lock

'till it's cooked!

Alan Davies

I put it in the bath?

Stephen Fry

Mm, yeah...

Jimmy Carr

What, does gold go small and wrinkly in the bath?

Sean Lock

That's your crown jewels!

Stephen Fry

So this particular man, Archimedes, pondering this problem that he’d been given by the king gets in the bath, sees the water rise, and leaps out of the bath shouting...

Alan Davies

Eureka!

Stephen Fry

Exactly.

Sean Lock

I really thought you were gonna say ‘Arsenal!’ then, Alan.

Stephen Fry

So that's the uses of gooses or the eese of geese.

Sean Lock

Is the next question on the habits of rabbits?

Stephen Fry

Oh, I wish that it were.

Sean Lock

How far can you shove a dove?

Alan Davies

Hats of cats. That's my offer.

Stephen Fry

Which popular game traditionally ends with all of the participants being thrown into a lake of fiery sulfur?

Sean Lock

I hope it's show jumping. I hate show jumping!

Stephen Fry

…But the reference in the Bible to the fiery lake or whatever is from Revelations, where it does say that those who practice the magic arts will be cast into burning sulfur.

Phill Jupitus

How about balloon animals?

Stephen Fry

The punishment for people who do balloon animals is not specified in the Book of Revelations.

Sean Lock

I think it's loneliness, their punishment