David Mitchell quotes from QI

[to cautious David] Embrace the klaxon!

David Mitchell

I'm trying to!

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[On the I series "Nobody knows" bonus]

What are the points that you gain by using it correctly?

I think we all agree that nobody in this universe understands QI's scoring system.

Right. So, by that logic, were we to raise the subject of the scoring system, and I was to do that, [holds up his "Nobody knows" card] then… [he's cut off by laughter and applause]

He's made a very good point.

I suppose I'm trapped in an infinite loop. Yes, fortunately that isn't one of the questions.

David Mitchell

If it were in a hypothetical round a question - "What is the QI scoring system?" - and then "Nobody knows", [mimics lifting up the card] what would happen to the person who does the QI scoring? Would they not then feel rather sad? They are at least presumably sitting there thinking that they know.

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David Mitchell

I think they reserve a lot of their creativity for this show, don’t they?

I wonder what the score is now.

Yes, the score now... [He consults his screen.] Amazingly, Bill has three and everyone else has zero.

David Mitchell

Why three?! I’d have thought one, or ten. But three?! How would you divide your contribution by three?

[Pointing at each of the other panellists.] Better than you, better than you, better than you. Three.

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When was the First World War first named as such?

Um, at the outbreak. The assassination of Archduke Ferdinand.

You think they called it the first world war straight away?

Before it started, yeah.

David Mitchell

It would be an act of a pessimist to call it the first world war that early, surely. It's gonna be some point after 1939, isn't it?

A realist, surely.

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - 1939]

David Mitchell

Excuse me! I think I said - I think what I said, people in the box, is after 1939. Which may contain 1939, but does not mean it.

No. Well -

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - AFTER THE SECOND WORLD WAR]

David Mitchell

[waving finger] Okay! No, no, no! "After 1939" and "after the Second World War" are not synonymous. Now, this is just giving you time to type "after 1939".

[Forfeit klaxon goes off - DURING THE SECOND WORLD WAR]

David Mitchell

Why don't you just type "MITCHELL IS A COCK"?

[warningly] I wouldn't put it past them...

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David Mitchell

They do seem like the most evil of birds, don’t they?

They’re often considered creatures of ill omen, aren’t they? In Shakespeare they’re often used as a symbol.

Yeah, but that’s because you’re just seeing them with Carmina Burana playing.

David Mitchell

Do you think I should get something else on my iPod?

Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert. [Hums the song.] You see, that’s a nice crow. Put a sombrero on it, take the edge off it.

David Mitchell

Yeah, but even if you had Carmina Burana and you were looking at a robin, you wouldn’t think the robin was evil, would you?

I would.

David Mitchell

Would you?

Yeah, dirty bastard robin.

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[On what the bill Ingram Fraser killed Christopher Marlowe over was for]

Might have been a prostitute, might have been a brothel.

So a brothel bill, then.

I didn't have that.

To be honest, the service charge in this is redundant.

I had one of them, two of them...

David Mitchell

I asked for that, but it never happened.

It was off.

If we all chip in...

Why don't we have a big one, and we all have a bit?

[...]

Anyway, what made Lord Byron limp?

That's a follow-up question.

Item four on the brothel bill...?

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What would be the best planet to take your annual holiday on? Yes?

Sarah Millican

Earth.

Absolutely the right answer, I can frankly say. I don’t think there could be a better answer.

David Mitchell

Well, the great advantage of earth is that you can survive on it.

Yes.

David Mitchell

So lovely on a holiday, isn’t it? To just live through it.

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David Mitchell

[Discussing Giant Panda's conversion from carnivore to herbivore] What happened that the pandas gave up on meat?

Evolution and their circumstances, their environs.

David Mitchell

Well, it's not working very well for them, evolution.

Are you going to get logically cross with them?

David Mitchell

It.. It seems...

They took a wrong step.

David Mitchell

... idiotic. There's like 25 minutes a year when they can have sex and it'll work, if they can be bothered, which they never can. They look Ridiculous! [The rest of the panel object] I'm not saying they're not sweet, but they're not dignified, are they? [...] If you want to make Bungle from Rainbow seem high-status, bring on a panda.

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What colour is a red kite?

Jack Whitehall

Blue!

Sara Pascoe

Black.

Red.

David Mitchell

White.

Oh, thank you Alan.

[The klaxon goes off - RED.]]

The thing is, they were named before we had a word for Orange. We just used Red for anything that was Orange as well. We had the word orange for a fruit, but didn't use it for the colour until the 16th Century.

Sara Pascoe

We always think it was the colour that named the fruit, but it was the fruit that named the colour.

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David Mitchell

In those days, people would say "What's the name of that red fruit? Oh, the orange"

Exactly.

David Mitchell

It could have been, not the orange that made it catch on, but the front of a robin. We could all have front-of-a-robin brand mobile phones. Where you go "What colour is it?" "Oh, it's front-of-a-robin".

It would be confusing.

David Mitchell

"I'm just eating an orange. It's such a bright shade of front-of-a-robin".

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[The panel and Stephen Fry are building Lava lamps from water, oil and Alka-Seltzers]

David Mitchell

This genuinely reminds me so much of school. You said "Don't put all the Alka-Seltzers in", and Alan said "We're putting them all in" and I've gone along with him and now I'm frightened.

[In the ensuing hilarity Stephen knocks over his Lava lamp, spilling the contents]

Jimmy Carr and Ronni Ancona: [Raising their hands] Sir! Sir! Sir! Sir!

Alright! Mitchell, you made me laugh! I told you before...

You're in trouble!

There's nothing funny about making people laugh. Well, maybe. This isn't how it was supposed to happen at all. [large box of tissues are put on the desk] And we all know why Alan has industrial strength tissues...

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David Mitchell

The chain Argos, they call their staff Argonauts to this day.

[Surprised] Oh, do they?

David Mitchell

[deadpan] No.

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Apparently you can say Lesser now...

David Mitchell

Apparently you can just say what you like these days! Apparently you're not allowed to scream Idiot! at people. What's the point in getting an education at all? I know how to use the apostrophe. Apparently, now it doesn't matter. [rapturous applause from the audience] I want the time it took me to learn that back.

Jimmy Carr

You need to be less bothered about this. Or fewer bothered. You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing. Just let it go: be fewer upset.

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David Mitchell

It's really difficult to name a place after yourself, isn't it?

Yup, it is.

David Mitchell

The thing to do as an explorer is to get there and then ask your assistant explorers if they can think of a name while reminding them of how they got the job.

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Alaska's state motto is North to the future. Don't know what that means, but there it is. They all have mottoes, these states, My favourite one is Kentucky. Kentucky's known, really, for two things.

Fried Chicken.

Well, apart from that. It's called The Bluegrass State, but it's Bourbon and The Kentucky Derby - the race. And somebody came up with a two-word phrase for Kentucky which encapsulates both those things which I think is rather brilliant.

Pissed Horses?

That would do it. No, it's Unbridled Spirit. Isn't that clever? Genuinely clever.

David Mitchell

Yeah. No, that's great. That absolutely shits on North to the Future.

[Laughing] It does, doesn't it? It's got to be said.

David Mitchell

Because if there's one place you do not want to head north from, it's Alaska. 'Cause there's fuck all of the world there. You want to go south! You want to see stuff... North to the Future maybe you'd say from Argentina.