Bill Bailey quotes from QI

What's the most depressing radio program of all time?

[Immediately] Oh, Simon Bates! By miles.

[Imitating Simon Bates, presenting Our Tune ] But surely. that's the story of people who fell in love. She did die of the cancer, but...

Bill Bailey

She battled through the cancer and here's her song: Too Drunk To Fuck

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How fast was the fastest mass extinction in history, in years...

Bill Bailey

The Liberal Democrats.

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Now, the queen has a Christmas message, as do we. In fact, as we approach the end of series 13, it’s time for us to reveal every episode of QI, every single one, since the very first, has included a secret message which nobody has spotted. Where is it hidden?

Bill Bailey

Is it on your face? Have you just encrypted some delightful laughter lines into some... perhaps it’s in Klingon. Merry Christmas.

It’s not on my face.

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[In response to the www.alan0andstephenhero.com hidden in the theme tune, Alan is hiding under his horse mask when a sudden noise happens.]

Bill Bailey

What the hell was that?

JEJenny Eclair

It’s a light.

Was it a lamp?

Johnny Vegas

No, he’s got a bad ankle. I’m just taking him out. I can’t afford to keep him, okay?

I absolutely shat myself.

Absolutely shat yourself, my god.

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Now, who’s the worst person to sit next to at a silent movie?

[Alan burps.]

Bill Bailey

Alan Davies.

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So we’re criticising Hitler now, are we?

Bill Bailey

The more I hear about him the less I like him.

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When the universe was created...

4000 years ago.

4000 years ago as it says in the bible.

By our lord.

Only two elements were created at that time.

Gold and silver.

Jo Brand

Frankincense and myrrh.

They are still the most abundant elements in the universe. 99% of the universe is composed of...

Bill Bailey

Helium and sarcasm.

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How many paintings did Vincent van Gogh sell which he was alive.

Jo Brand

[To Alan.] Don’t say none.

Bill Bailey

None. I’m gonna say none.

[The klaxon goes off – ‘none’]

Really, I’m afraid...

Bill Bailey

One.

A few, maybe.

[The klaxon goes off – ‘one’]

It was lots, he sold hundreds of paintings.

Hundreds?!

Yeah. When he was 15, he used to work in an art gallery.

Oh, shut up.

It’s true. I just asked you how many paintings...

This is the closest I’ve come to walking out of this show.

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Bill Bailey

Phantom leg itch, yeah. What about if you got two legs and got, like, a phantom third leg?

That's what every boy thinks he's got.

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Which part of the body was used to stop the Netherlands flooding in 1953?

Bill Bailey

Somebody put their finger in a dike!

[Forfeit klaxon: “Finger”]

No, we mentioned on QI before, the story of a Dutch boy sticking his finger in a dike is a myth. What other body-part might you stick into a hole to st…[general tittering]

The penis.

[Forfeit klaxon: “Penis”]

I sucked into that.

I can categorically tell you, no dyke needs a penis.