Phill Jupitus quotes from QI

Alan Davies

People definitely did that in pubs when I was growing up.

Stephen Fry

They threw up in order to drink more?

Alan Davies

Yeah. Go outside, be sick on the pavement, shake their heads, go straight back to the bar.

Phill Jupitus

Oh yeah, the tactical chunder. Totally.

Alan Davies

Yeah. "I feel terrible. I'm gonna have to go and have a tactical chunder." Come back five minutes later: "I'm fine now!"

Stephen Fry

Hmm. Makes sense.

Alan Davies

Makes sense. Four quids worth of bitter in the gutter and carry on.

Stephen Fry

What starts with H means that you'll always be the bridesmaid and never the bride?

Phill Jupitus

Hepatitis C.

Stephen Fry

Oddly enough, you’re surprisingly close.

Phill Jupitus

Herpes.

Stephen Fry

And what do they mean by monkey glands?

Phill Jupitus

The glands... of a monkey!

Ross Noble

A circular triangle?

Stephen Fry

Well...

Oh, no, no, no. This is your first time. This sort of thing happens all the time. “It’s a sort of circular triangle.”

Alan Davies

“And it makes a square.”

Ross Noble

It’s not the fact that I’m boggled by that, it’s the fact that I now realise there’s a possibility that you could have a Toblerone-Rolo combo.

Alan Davies

Let me play with the gun! I wanna play with the gun that shoots around corners.

Stephen Fry

No, you can’t play with the gun.

Alan Davies

[Grumpy.] “Special instructions ‘don’t let Alan...’”

Phill Jupitus

“Police were baffled in London tonight by a series of murders committed around corners.”

Phill Jupitus

I feel quite bad for the Amish in the situation. cause they are not gonna meet people on facebook, are they? Unless we create an Amish facebook where you just write everything you know about yourself on a sheet of paper and put it in a barrel in the middle of the village. People just dip in and out of, you know. "Raised a barn today. LOL""Drank some cider ROFL"

Stephen Fry

And they have AMG: "Ach mein Gott!"

Phill Jupitus

I...hate...this...show.

Stephen Fry

Oh Phill, be interested, please.

Phill Jupitus

The sun...is there! But you're going: [deep voice] No. But it's there. Not there. Miraaage.

Phill Jupitus

And I'm sure the drivers in New Zealand, as they see the sun setting, will be reassured to know that it's [deep voice] not there.

Stephen Fry

What shape is this staircase? [Phill hits his buzzer.] Yes, Phill?

Phill Jupitus

It’s not there!

Stephen Fry

This is something I vaguely knew about growing up in Norfolk, because in Norfolk there is a community of Vietnamese turkey sexers who... (He is cut off by the audience laughing)

Phill Jupitus

I can NEVER watch Platoon again! You've ruined Apocalypse Now for me!

Stephen Fry

I'm sorry about that...

Phill Jupitus

(Putting two fingers to his temple, imitating a gun and speaking in an Asian accent) WHAT SEX IS CHICKEN?!?! YOU TELL ME NOW!!!

David Mitchell

They do seem like the most evil of birds, don’t they?

Stephen Fry

They’re often considered creatures of ill omen, aren’t they? In Shakespeare they’re often used as a symbol.

Phill Jupitus

Yeah, but that’s because you’re just seeing them with Carmina Burana playing.

David Mitchell

Do you think I should get something else on my iPod?

Phill Jupitus

Tijuana Taxi by Herb Alpert. [Hums the song.] You see, that’s a nice crow. Put a sombrero on it, take the edge off it.

David Mitchell

Yeah, but even if you had Carmina Burana and you were looking at a robin, you wouldn’t think the robin was evil, would you?

Phill Jupitus

I would.

David Mitchell

Would you?

Phill Jupitus

Yeah, dirty bastard robin.

Phill Jupitus

It's like you're talking about Narnia or something. Some fantastical land you've only heard about.

Cal Wilson

You make your way through the fur coats and suddenly...

Stephen Fry

Woah. [hides his face in his hand]

Stephen Fry

What did Napoleon say to Josephine on his way back from a journey?

Alan Davies

I sense a trap! The only thing I know about Napoleon and Josephine was he said...

Stephen Fry

Yeah?

Alan Davies

What was it? Rob, what was it?

Rob Brydon

Phill?

Phill Jupitus

Cal?

Cal Wilson

I’m gonna do it. “I’m coming back. Don’t wash.”

Alan Davies

I only know the other one.

Stephen Fry

The other one, which might be...?

Alan Davies

It’s the one, Rob, what’s it...?

Rob Brydon

Phill, you know it.

Phill Jupitus

Cal...

Phill Jupitus

There's just too many double entendres. You pumping custard?

Stephen Fry

Stop it. Are you ready for me to pump the custard?

Phill Jupitus

Yes, I'm ready to pump your custard. [puts his head on the desk]

Josh Widdicombe

This is not how I wanted to go.

Alan Davies

[shouting] It's quite warm there actually. I could feel the heat right there. If had been sitting there, I could have been: [normal voice] I could have been ignited.

Stephen Fry

You could have been covered in hot custard.

Phill Jupitus

I told you, before you did this experiment...

Stephen Fry

Yes, young Brendan.

Is it because [whispers] he may not be real?

Stephen Fry

*gasps*

YES!

Stephen Fry

Oh, poor Phill...

Stephen Fry

But, Phill: that got a klaxon. So that can't be right.

Stephen Fry

It's alright.

Phill Jupitus

Carry on...

Alan Davies

So why is Santa off of the rich list?

Stephen Fry

It's a very simple reason. It's a fictional rich-list. And Santa is real!