Phill Jupitus quotes from QI

Phill Jupitus

I had no idea we had a hipster Napoleon.

Stephen Fry

Oh, yeah!

Phill Jupitus

Check it out. "Yeah, could I have a flat white please? Yeah, the jacket? I got it at this vintage place: it's great."

Stephen Fry

Why would you keep a leash on a leech?

Phill Jupitus

Is it a medicinal leech?

Stephen Fry

Yes it is.

Jo Brand

They use them in the NHS today, don't they?

Stephen Fry

Yes, they do. They absolutely do.

You put them on a wound, don't you? And they eat bits that are infected.

Phill Jupitus

No, that's the maggots.

Have I travelled back in time?

Stephen Fry

No!

Phill Jupitus

And migraine headaches are caused by a demon living in your head!

Does it hurt?

Stephen Fry

It doesn't really hurt much, no no.

Phill Jupitus

What do you mean, how'd you know?

Stephen Fry

Well, I'm told it doesn't hurt.

Phill Jupitus

I don't you and your public school ways. "Fry, time for a leeching!"

Alan Davies

"Scrotum!"

Phill Jupitus

"Yes, sir!"

Stephen Fry

It doesn't hurt as much as double...

Alan Davies

"It's time for his leeching."

Stephen Fry

It doesn't hurt as much as Dr. Stavely slamming your dick in a desk, I admit. But - Look, I love to shock you - it's sweet.

Do you remember John Wayne Bobbitt?

Phill Jupitus

Yeah, he went to Winchester.

Stephen Fry

Of course, we remember Bobbitt. His wife severed his...

Alan Davies

Yeah, she cut his penis off and threw it out of the window of a moving car, so it took some finding. But then they sewed it back on and he made some money out of porn films, weirdly.

Stephen Fry

He must have been rather impressed that a penis took some finding was found. He must have thought "Yes"!

That's why they found the right one: that would have been a disaster.

Phill Jupitus

I could imagine him at the line up. "Could I see number 3 again?"

Stephen Fry

You're too used to that program: that's just sick.

Stephen Fry

What is it about them that is so endearing?

Phill Jupitus

They're delicious.

There's a story the other day about the American scientist who is there and he decides to turn tinder on. You know tinder? The dating app? And he got a date with a woman in a tent 45 minutes away.

Stephen Fry

You're kidding me! That's hilarious

Phill Jupitus

Grindr however: All penguins.

Stephen Fry

There was a story that Alan may remember of Darwin and giant...

Alan Davies

Oh, yeah. Didn’t they all get eaten on the boat?

Stephen Fry

Yeah, they were so delicious, that’s the point.

Phill Jupitus

Wouldn’t it be brilliant if the Origin of Species just halfway through turned into a cookbook. ‘I am basically putting to you all, members of the Royal Society, everything is bloody delicious.’

Stephen Fry

The Purple Emperor Butterfly likes to start its day with rancid pickled mudfish, Thai poi shrimp paste, and big cock shrimp paste. Mmm.

Phill Jupitus

What are you, 12?

Stephen Fry

Come on. When will the phrase ‘big cock shrimp paste’ not be funny?

Phill Jupitus

[To Stephen] The idea of you at the microwave...

Stephen Fry

I had to do it on TV-dramas...

Phill Jupitus

“I was playing a rough type.”

Alan Davies

Now we got one that goes beep, beep, beep...

Phill Jupitus

That's your food slowly reversing out of the kitchen.

Stephen Fry

That is the miracle of Kangaroo suckling. Who do you think, of all the animals, has...

Phill Jupitus

[Bursts out laughing] Sorry, this is the only show where I hear sentences like that.

Stephen Fry

Who would like to see some Milky Magic?

Phill Jupitus

[To the audience] If Stephen says that to you in the Park, say no!

Stephen Fry

[Produces props] Mmm, lovely milky things.

Phill Jupitus

STOP SAYING THAT!

Stephen Fry

People think, you know, sailors fall in love with mermaids, and how can they consummate their relationship?

Alan Davies

Fertilise the eggs, Stephen.

Stephen Fry

Exactly, it’s very simple. She lays her eggs on a rock or something, and you go and fertilise them. What’s the problem?

Phill Jupitus

The sailor has to sail back to his waters where he was spawned, and take the mermaid with him. So he has to go back to, I don’t know, Dorking, find a pond, pop his new fish-wife in there.

Josh Widdicombe

Fish-wife!

Phill Jupitus

She lays her eggs, and then he has to be arrested for indecent public exposure at a boating pond.

Sandi Toksvig

Name the cause of the first mass extinction.

Alan Davies

Oh, now, that is a trick one. You're trying to do us the dinosaur one, but there was the one before that...

Phill Jupitus

After fourteen years, he understands the format.

Sandi Toksvig

How do you feel?

Phill Jupitus

[strained voice] Glastonbury. 2000...

Sandi Toksvig

[Quoting NewAge bullshit generator ] “Hidden meaning transforms unparalleled abstract beauty”.

Phill Jupitus

“It's a Coldplay B-side, isn't it?”

Sandi Toksvig

What's the worst noise in the world?

Phill Jupitus

I think I mentioned it before today: That would be Coldplay B-sides.