Jimmy Carr quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Can you name a famous person who is kept in cryonic preservation?

Jimmy Carr

Walt Disney.

Stephen Fry

Quite a few people believe in cryonic preservation, but Walt Disney?

Jimmy Carr

You need to do that in a more Scottish voice. Once again, more Scottish.

Stephen Fry

(in Scottish accent) Quite a few people believe in cryonic preservation, but Walt Does'nae.

Stephen Fry

How many moons does the earth have?

Alan Davies

Oh, God.

Most definitely, only one.

Stephen Fry

Oh dear, of course. It had to be that.

Jimmy Carr

What is the moon? I think I'm with him.

Alan Davies

They changed it.

The one and only moon!

Stephen Fry

According to one contemporary report, 171,000 British troops visited the brothels in one street in Le Havre in just one year.

Jimmy Carr

Makes you proud, doesn't it?

Stephen Fry

In Scouting for Boys...

Jimmy Carr

Sorry? Your hobby?

Alan Davies

I've never had, in 14 years, people eating sweets in the front row.

Stephen Fry

What the hell?

Alan Davies

And now I can't think about anything else!

Stephen Fry

You can have them back at the end of the lesson!

Jimmy Carr

I feel really bad for those people. 'Cause, obviously, you're just sat there watching an episode of QI and then, suddenly, the telly gets up and nicks your sweets!

Aisling Bea

No, keep going. Does this buzzer stop Jimmy speaking? Try again?

Jimmy Carr

I was just gonna say to...

Jimmy Carr

I find the buzzers really disconcerting. It does feel like somebody’s about to get murdered.

Jimmy Carr

[On Stephen's 'posh' accent.] I know you think you’re doing a voice, but that is how you talk.

Stephen Fry

You're a beast.

Stephen Fry

Silver’s not a colour, no.

Jimmy Carr

Oh, I love this show.

Stephen Fry

It’s midsummer in the UK. To the nearest hour, what time does day become night?

Alan Davies

10?

Alan Davies

I was gonna say 1.

Jimmy Carr

Is it..? I’m only saying this, I’ve got no rationale at all, is it noon? Because it’s always something weird on this show. ‘Oh no, it’s actually night time in the middle of the day. You’re all idiots, you’ve been doing it wrong.’

Stephen Fry

In midsummer, there is no night in Britain.

Alan Davies

There’s no night. There’s no night, Danny. [Runs a hand over his face.]

Stephen Fry

It’s constant twilight.

Alan Davies

Oh, bollocks. It gets dark. [Runs both hands over his face.]

Jimmy Carr

Constant Twilight sounds like a really good indie album.

Stephen Fry

It does, doesn’t it?

Sandi Toksvig

What am I an inch and a half taller than?

Jimmy Carr

The cast of Time Bandits.

Sandi Toksvig

There a some fantastic places in Newfoundland. Conception Bay South...

Jimmy Carr

Conception Bay South? Yeah, that's what I call it, she doesn't like it. She thinks it's too formal. 'Come on love, let's have a look at Conception Bay South.'

Clive Anderson

What about Conception Bay North?

Jimmy Carr

Well, that's a special treat for birthdays.

Sandi Toksvig

Right, my question is, who invented this?

Alan Davies

Isn't it Winston Churchill?

Jimmy Carr

You were so epically wrong there, the buzzer didn't even went off.

Sandi Toksvig

I want it to be Winston Churchill.

Clive Anderson

We normally call it Newton's Balls, don't we?

Jimmy Carr

I think Newton's Cradle would be…

Sandi Toksvig

I think Newton's Cradle…

Clive Anderson

I'm afraid I went to a rougher school than you.

Sandi Toksvig

I think, if Newton had that many balls, it's no wonder he discovered gravity.

Sandi Toksvig

What is the opposite of a plant eating sheep?

Sara Pascoe

A sheep that grows plants.

Sandi Toksvig

See, just when I thought what I said was really clear…

Jimmy Carr

You sound like a vegan who's really hungry.

Sandi Toksvig

The opposite of a plant eating sheep would be a…?

Colin Lane

A sheep eating plant.

Sandi Toksvig

Yes!

Sara Pascoe

Well done, Colin.

Colin Lane

[triumphantly basks in the applause of the audience]

Sandi Toksvig

Colin, I said in the beginning the more you get wrong, the more points you get. I don't know if that's...

Colin Lane

I've been on this show six or seven times and I still don't know what the rules are.

Jimmy Carr

There is a penis for sale in London...

Sandi Toksvig

Sorry?

Jimmy Carr

There is a very strange store in the East End in London. And the last man to be hanged in England, ah, they have his penis and it's for sale.

Sandi Toksvig

How much is it?

Sara Pascoe

And was he hung?

Sandi Toksvig

We have all this nuclear waste stinking the place up instead of keeping it all underground why don't we do the opposite, fire it all at the sun and forget about it?

Jimmy Carr

[exasperated] I only just started recycling.

Colin Lane

If we fired it all at The Sun, wouldn't Rupert Murdock be upset?

Sandi Toksvig

Suddenly it seems like a good idea.