Jimmy Carr quotes from QI

Jimmy Carr

I prefer Three Card Monte, because Find the Lady...I had a really bad experience in Thailand once...

Stephen Fry

Did you feel a bit of a dick?

Stephen Fry

What big decision did the driver of the number 78 bus have to make in December 1952.

Jimmy Carr

The coronation is all I know about ‘52. The Queen didn’t get the bus, did she?

Stephen Fry

No, she didn’t.

Stephen Fry

Would you like to see a shrimp on a running machine?

Jimmy Carr

More than you know!

Stephen Fry

Who speaks in terms, harangues and declaims in a long meandering cascade of sounds, syllables, stresses and intonations, that might at first seem to be full of sense and meaning, but soon reveal itself to be an empty, vain, hollow and completely meaningless stream of gibberish?

Jimmy Carr

[To Stephen] You.

Jimmy Carr

Have you played hangman for money?

Yes.

Jimmy Carr

Who plays hangman for money?!

Stephen Fry

She bets on everything!

I was about to say I've done everything for money, but I know what you guys do with that.

Stephen Fry

Just out of interest, how many popes does the Vatican have per square kilometre?

Cal Wilson

How many popes? Like, buried, or in storage?

Stephen Fry

No, actually live, living popes.

Alan Davies

One.

Stephen Fry

No. It’s actually 2.27 recurring, because the Vatican City’s only 0.44 or a kilometre. So the average would be per square kilometre.

Jimmy Carr

Well, I think we have it, ladies and gentlemen, the most annoying question ever asked!

Stephen Fry

What has 20 legs, 5 heads and can't reach its own nuts?

Jeremy Clarkson

Westlife.

Stephen Fry

Oh, ho-ho-ho. Oh, you're so lucky. You're so lucky, cos I know what the klaxon was.

Jeremy Clarkson

Ha-ha!

Jimmy Carr

I presume the klaxon: shall I?

Stephen Fry

Yeah, go on.

Jimmy Carr

One Direction?

Stephen Fry

Oh!

Stephen Fry

It sounds like a gypsy band, but it's the squirrel kings. What would squirrel kings be?

Bill Bailey

The best squirrel?

Stephen Fry

Well, oddly enough, it's really unfortunate. They squirm around on trees. But sometimes trees exude, a sticky sap. And when the baby squirrels get their tails caught in the sticky sap, their tails get stuck together. And you get this (cuts to image of 5 squirrels stuck together by their tails). Absolutely stuck together.

Jeremy Clarkson

Oh, that's fucking hysterical!

Jeremy Clarkson

Seriously they're stuck together?!?! [cackles]

Stephen Fry

You're so bad! You are so bad! The audience goes "aww"!

Jeremy Clarkson

It's not! It's the funniest thing I've ever heard of! And they're never going to be organised enough to go "Ready, steady" and run off in different directions. They'll never be able to do that!

Alan Davies

Quite difficult to land on a, kind of a bend though.

Stephen Fry

I think you use the straight bits.

Jimmy Carr

That would have been an amazing pilot's last words. 'This is tricky...'

Jimmy Carr

Is Pippa Middleton royal?

Stephen Fry

[haughtily] No. She's not even a weather girl.

Stephen Fry

Do you know the name for a group of kittens?

Jimmy Carr

A sack of?

Sue Perkins

A puke?

Jimmy Carr

Do you know the Boomerang joke?

Stephen Fry

Go on.

Jimmy Carr

It'll come back to you.

Stephen Fry

I walked into that one.

Jimmy Carr

The father of history, what was he called?

Stephen Fry

Herodotus.

Jimmy Carr

Herodotus. It must have been a lot easier, when he was around. I'm not having a go at him. But less things have happened back then.

Stephen Fry

Fewer things.

Alan Davies

Common usage, common usage.

Jimmy Carr

This is so like being back at school, it's unbelievable.

Alan Davies

Apparently you can say Lesser now...

David Mitchell

Apparently you can just say what you like these days! Apparently you're not allowed to scream Idiot! at people. What's the point in getting an education at all? I know how to use the apostrophe. Apparently, now it doesn't matter. [rapturous applause from the audience] I want the time it took me to learn that back.

Jimmy Carr

You need to be less bothered about this. Or fewer bothered. You need to be fewer bothered about this kind of thing. Just let it go: be fewer upset.

Jimmy Carr

[To Carrie Fisher] Also, do you know where the rebel base is?

[Pointing at his crotch] In your pants.

Jimmy Carr

[fans himself]

Jimmy Carr

Should we have a klaxon? You want a klaxon?

Stephen Fry

What are you going to say?

Jimmy Carr

Brucie.

Jimmy Carr

Obviously, if you're watching...

Stephen Fry

Love, respect. Everything.