Jimmy Carr quotes from QI

Alan Davies

I put it in the bath?

Stephen Fry

Mm, yeah...

Jimmy Carr

What, does gold go small and wrinkly in the bath?

Sean Lock

That's your crown jewels!

Jimmy Carr

The feeding of the five thousand? Like there's five thousand people and they wanted some bread and fish. I reckon that was just about four and a half thousand people going, "What have we got, bread and fish? I'm all right, thanks. I'll have something when I get home."

David

The other interesting thing about that story is that out of the five thousand people, only two of them had thought to bring any food. And so in a way it's, okay, good miracle, but the other side of it is 4,998 idiots with no sense of foresight at all. And Jesus doesn't make them learn a lesson from that!

Stephen Fry

"This is the sermon on the Mount. This isn't Glastonbury," he could have said, couldn't he?

David Mitchell

But, you know, he should have said "You didn't bring any food! Of course there's not gonna be any food! Think about it!" ... "Plan next time! Judea would be better if people planned!" But no. "Yeah, it always works out fine; Jesus'll magic up some grub!" No! He's gonna get crucified one day, and then what are you gonna eat?

Stephen Fry

Name a poisonous snake.

Jimmy Carr

Piers Morgan.

David Mitchell

It’s like trying to police a country with Daleks.

Jimmy Carr

Which’d never work with the disabled access we’ve got now. The Daleks can get everywhere.

David Mitchell

Jimmy, are you saying that you think that disabled access is a Dalek conspiracy?

Jimmy Carr

Yes. That is exactly what I’m saying.

Alan Davies

Poison is not the same as venom. It can’t be. Because there are loads of poisonous snakes.

Jimmy Carr

You sounded so like Jonathan Creek just then. You just somehow, with the pen, it’s just so right.

Stephen Fry

I’ve got the answer! In a locked room.

Stephen Fry

What are large - very large - blue, rare, slow-moving, have calfs...

Jimmy Carr

Ah, look at Alan's face!

Stephen Fry

...suffer from wet bottoms, and are found all over the world?

Alan Davies

[with a sly grin, pointing his finger at Stephen] Not the blue whale!

Stephen Fry

Name and shame the worlds cheapest cheapskate.

[rings in] Was it Diogenes the Cynic?

Stephen Fry

…Wow.

Jimmy Carr

You've seen this show before, haven't you? I think I'm slightly aroused.

Alan Davies

I can confirm 'slightly'.

Stephen Fry

Alan, you're a zombie. You bite Jimmy. Jimmy, you're now a zombie, you bite Jack. Jack, Jack bites Mel, and so on.

Alan Davies

[pointing at Sue Perkins, who's rolling her eyes] Sue.

Stephen Fry

What?

Alan Davies

Sue!

Stephen Fry

[Realizes what he has said, buries his face in his hands]

Jimmy Carr

Stephen, ten points now if you know her name.

Sue Perkins

Is this the warm, personal touch that you get when you come to this show?

Stephen Fry

[bright red] I'm so ashamed! Oh Sue, I'm sorry.

Alan Davies

No-one noticed, Hugh.

Jimmy Carr

I think it's a trick question. Because you're a vegetarian. You wouldn't bite me, I don't think. You'd have a salad.

Alan Davies

I wouldn't consume you, but I would be prepared to kill you. Turn you into one of me.

Jimmy Carr

What, we'll all live in windmills and solve crime?

Alan Davies

I look like the character.

Stephen Fry

You do, actually.

Alan Davies

I'm not actually...

Jimmy Carr

Their defence is to dazzle? Tada!

Sue Perkins

It’s the John Barrowman of the deep sea...

Alan Davies

Stand back or I’ll show you my teeth!

Stephen Fry

Where does the saying 'saved by the bell' come from?

Jack Dee

[hits his buzzer, then grimaces] Oh no, I know what's gonna happen now. It's gonna be, I'm gonna get the klaxon for this. Is it boxing? Is it a boxing reference?

Stephen Fry

Yes!

Jack Dee

Oh.

Alan Davies

Is it - is this where the bells gonna go off…

Sue Perkins

[whispering] Don't do it!

Alan Davies

...Is it going back to being buried alive?

Jimmy Carr

How can you get it wrong after he's got it right?

Stephen Fry

A million British horses were sent to the First World War front. What happened to the ones that survived?

Alan Davies

They settled in the southern France, opened a caravan park…

Jimmy Carr

Of course they couldn't learn the language, so they ended up moving back.

Dara Ó Briain

No one has ever fallen on a banana peel. No one’s slid on a banana peel... Presumably the only person...

Dara Ó Briain

You? You’re kidding. The one person in history.

Jimmy Carr

That is a commitment to comedy, Alan. Well done.

Stephen Fry

Was this in comedy school, or once you’d graduated?

Alan Davies

No, it was in Chapel Market in Islington. It’s a fruit and veg market.

Stephen Fry

That’s a likely place to find one.

Alan Davies

I did actually tread on a banana. And you really go. I mean, they are incredible.

Jimmy Carr

There was a little girl in our primary school class, we were like 6 years old, and she was just in floods of tears. Bawling her eyes out. And we kind of went, ‘what’s the matter?’ She went, ‘I just love horses so much!’

I don’t see why that’s strange.

Lee Mack

I'm not surprised that they're endangered, because clearly they aren't mating, are they? They're looking at each other and going: "I'd rather not!"

Stephen Fry

It is dark, remember.

Alan Davies

All the ugly ones come out in the dark.

Lee Mack

That's how Jimmy mates. "I'm happy to do it, luv, but it'll have to be with the lights off."

Jimmy Carr

I can't believe your wife told you that.