Jimmy Carr quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

What is three times more dangerous than war?

Jimmy Carr

...three wars?

Stephen Fry

There was a story during the Terror of the French Revolution, that two members of the National Assembly were guillotined and their heads put in the same bag straight away, and one bit the other so hard they couldn't be separated. Just the heads.

Jimmy Carr

That's holding a grudge, isn't it? For all intents and purposes, you're dead, let it go! Yeah, you didn't get on, whatever!

Stephen Fry

They were French.

Jimmy Carr

It's the reason they should allow people to walk down the railway tracks if they so wish. If they can't work out a train's coming... [shrugs]

Stephen Fry

Right.

Jimmy Carr

Let's face it, the gene pool needs a little chlorine. [points around audience] You know who you are.

Stephen Fry

Oh, there you are. Great Wall of China.

Jimmy Carr

I've got quite an interesting fact about that.

Stephen Fry

Yep.

Jimmy Carr

Longest wall in the world, not one cashpoint.

Stephen Fry

Where is the best place to be when a nuclear bomb goes off?

Jimmy Carr

I would've gone with downtown Nagasaki. Because what are the chances of that happening again? You've got to play the odds.

Stephen Fry

What could you make with an ultrasound rectal probe, a light-emitting tube, bicycle helmets, protective clothing, a huge tub of Vaseline, and a wheel-barrow?

Jimmy Carr

I could make you the happiest man alive.

Jimmy Carr

It's just so stupid, isn't it? Beating your wife... I mean, it's your wife- it's like keying your own car!

David Mitchell

Society just got a tiny bit worse...

Jimmy Carr

I like to think I can help.

Stephen Fry

What is pink, has pendulous breasts, gets sailors all excited and tastes of prime beef? [as Jimmy rings in] Yes?

Jimmy Carr

Was Princess Margaret buried at sea?

Stephen Fry

It was before Haile Selassie, there was an emperor...

Jimmy Carr

Lowly Selassie.

Doon Mackichan

But some people say, it's because of passion, like when you meet the man or woman of your dreams, you have an electric shock.

Jimmy Carr

Sometimes if I meet an attractive woman, I will tazer her.

Jimmy Carr

Oh! Is it the Island of Reluctant but Inevitable Homosexuality? [laughter] I think I recognise it from that school trip that went horribly wrong …

Stephen Fry

Lord of the Undone Flies.

Stephen Fry

And how are you eating yours, Alan?

Alan Davies

By hand.

Stephen Fry

Do you know, the thing is, Alan gets 20 points, because that’s how Neopolitans eat spaghetti. They lean back and drop it into their mouths by hand.

Jimmy Carr

That’s not fair! Alan thinks mashed potatoes are finger food!

Stephen Fry

They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is … [Stephen flubs the line, causing the panellists to rib him mercilessly for the next 3-4 minutes as he tries to nail it for the recording - he eventually manages to force out to great applause:] … there are no straight lines!

Jimmy Carr

Do they? [sigh]

Alan Davies

Whatever …

Jimmy Carr

It can mimic anything? I'd make it woof. How funny would that be, if you had a bird that woofed?

Alan Davies

I'd get it to do limericks.

Marcus Brigstocke

I'd probably get it to do Bill Oddie.

Stephen Fry

Surely that would be a bearded tit, if it was anything.

Alan Davies

You're thinking of Rory McGrath.

Stephen Fry

Now, how many commandments are there?

Jimmy Carr

Are we talking about the commandments that God dictated to Moses on Mount Sinai?

Stephen Fry

Yeah.

Jimmy Carr

Literally none, never happened.