Alan Davies quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Name something quite interesting that kangaroos can’t do.

Alan Davies

They can’t drive.

Liza Tarbuck

Cats mating, it can be a quite exclusive little gang, whereas dogs, they can run riots, so you could have a Great Dane with a Chihuahua.

Stephen Fry

It's a nice image.

Alan Davies

It would involve a stepladder. Or a ditch.

Stephen Fry

What's the most interesting thing a dog can smell?

[presses buzzer] A dog's dinner?

Stephen Fry

Yes. To a dog that is the most interesting thing a dog can smell.

Alan Davies

Other than that, another dog's bottom.

Stephen Fry

Yeah. Oh.

Stephen Fry

Oh, there you are. Oh, no.

Jeremy Clarkson

My crotch. [laughter] Well, they all do.

Stephen Fry

Can you blame them? They're only flesh and blood...

Stephen Fry

What comes before a German Bight?

[presses buzzer] A German Bark.

Stephen Fry

Yeah, ho.

Stephen Fry

You were thinking of J.S., possibly.

Alan Davies

No, they never bark when they're going to attack you. It's when they go quiet, that's when you have to worry.

Stephen Fry

Germans?

Stephen Fry

Do you know how they communicate across valleys?

Alan Davies

Shout.

Mobile phone.

Stephen Fry

[grinning] No... Not... It's a language they use, but instead of their vocal cords, they...

Alan Davies

Fart?

Alan Davies

Pregnancy?

Clive Anderson

Pregnancy isn't a disease, Alan.

It would be if Alan got it!

Clive Anderson

It’d be a surprise, wouldn’t it?

Stephen Fry

I’ll give you a clue. It begins with D.

Alan Davies

Death?

Stephen Fry

Doctors don’t treat death.

Phill Jupitus

Stephen doesn't have beer goggles, he has Madeira pince-nez. "Oh, you're a cracker! More Madeira? A small Sherry?"

Alan Davies

A Sherry Monocle? He's got the Sherry Monocle in.

Stephen Fry

You're all rotters and I hate you.

Alan Davies

Does it affect memory? Cos I’m fairly sure it does.

Stephen Fry

I did know that.

Alan Davies

Cos on my 30th birthday, I got some photos back after we had this dinner, and there were people with indoor sparklers. And I thought, “when did they have them? I must have gone to the loo or something. I don’t remember that.” And the next one was me with a sparkler. Then it’s me with two sparklers. Me lighting sparklers really intently, handing sparklers out.

Stephen Fry

Do you know what "Mahatma" means?

Alan Davies

It means "Can I have my hat please, Mother?"

Stephen Fry

What is the cheapest way to remove blood stains from clothes? Let’s imagine if you cut yourself shaving and you get a spot there.

Alan Davies

The cheapest way?

Stephen Fry

Yeah.

Alan Davies

What, you have to go down to the river and beat it on a rock?

Alan Davies

The door handle kept turning like that. Turning and turning and turning, and I couldn’t get into the loo. And I really needed to go. So I kicked the door in. And it’s the only time I’ve ever kicked a door in. Brilliant! It was a really cheap, flimsy door, and it smashed, like that, and it exploded, and the door bit fell down, and there was wood everywhere, and I burst in, and [smiling triumphantly] had a crap.

Stephen Fry

Lovely. Very nice.

Stephen Fry

Mithras was a saviour sent to Earth to live as a mortal, through whom it was possible for sinners to be reborn into immortal life; he died for our sins but came back to life the following Sunday; he was born of a virgin on December 25th in a manger or, perhaps, a cave, attended by shepherds, and became known as The Light of the World; he had twelve disciples with whom he shared a last meal before dying; his devotees symbolically consumed the flesh and blood of him. Because Mithras was a sun god he was worshipped on Sundays...

Alan Davies

Is he a tribute band?

Rich Hall

The nativity story in the bible, probably could find a hotel room because they hadn't booked in advance.

Alan Davies

They should known it will be busy. Because its Christmas.

Stephen Fry

Name a saint who comes from Ireland.

Alan Davies

Patrick.

Alan Davies

Why do I even bother?

Stephen Fry

How do they ingest their blood? What do they do?

Alan Davies

They bite and sniff it up. Swallow it. Lick it. Slurp it. Hide it. Store it. Decant it.

Stephen Fry

Decant it!?