Alan Davies quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Now, tonight any flamencos you give in Pyong score barney. And I’ll also give you two Sundays...

Alan Davies

What the fuck are you talking about?!

Stephen Fry

So, the question is, how does the U.S. government look after its sequoia groves?

Bill Bailey

Er … lions … and tigers are let loose to roam the surrounding areas …

Alan Davies

Do they try to win the hearts and minds of the sequoia?

Sean Lock

If you're a nun...

Stephen Fry

[appalled] Oh no, don't go there.

Sean Lock

[grinning] I didn't say anything!

Stephen Fry

Oh please.

Sean Lock

It's obviously a reason that in Victorian bathrooms they had articles like that, it's a huge excuse for sexual jollities, isn't it? [gestures] "Oh no, I use it for my back!" It would feel like, you know, like sometimes if you sit on your hand, and it feels like someone else is doing it, it would feel like someone with a stump is playing with it. [makes provocative wagging gesture]

Stephen Fry

Mummy, make the nasty man go away... Very odd.

Stephen Fry

No! Give me that luffa.

Alan Davies

Now you want it.

Stephen Fry

That's going in the art cupboard and you're going in the naughty corner if you're not careful.

Rich Hall

It's going in your penis tin isn't it?

Stephen Fry

You are very bad children indeed.

Stephen Fry

What colour was the Model T Ford?

Jeremy Clarkson

[Whispering to Alan] Don't say, don't say, don't say...

Alan Davies

Black?

Jeremy Clarkson

Oh.

Stephen Fry

Oh bless him, like a little puppy that runs into a wall.

Alan Davies

You can have any colour, so long as it's black.

Stephen Fry

Oh, he said that even. Even that phrase.

Alan Davies

If you ask a lady for directions, she’ll ask you a question back. So if you say “do you know where the post office is?”, she’ll say, “do you wanna buy a stamp?”

Stephen Fry

Sweet.

Alan Davies

And you’ll find you’re having a nice chat, and everyone’s friends, but you’ve no idea where the post office is.

Stephen Fry

The Chinese also invented the loo roll. Name 3 other Chinese inventions

Alan Davies

Pot Noodles

Bill Bailey

Whispers

Stephen Fry

Who is this?

Alan Davies

Eros.

Stephen Fry

Well, thank you for falling into our little heffalump trap there. It’s actually the Angel of Christian Charity.

Alan Davies

Eros.

Stephen Fry

Eros was the Greek god of love. This is the Angel of Christian Charity.

Alan Davies

Why is it called Eros, then?

Stephen Fry

After a lifetime working with radioactivity, what did Marie Curie have two of?

Alan Davies

Lesbians.

Stephen Fry

She had two lesbians? She left them in her will to someone.

Stephen Fry

What is the Italian for cuttlefish? Do you know by any chance??

Alan Davies

Cuttlefishio?

Alan Davies

Why is pussy another word for front bottom?

Stephen Fry

I don't know, it's not my area of expertise.

Stephen Fry

Anyway, back to Cleve Crudgington and his corks.

Alan Davies

Did he insert them into his person?

Stephen Fry

You will never know how thin the ice upon which you just skated was, there. We had a little forfeit all ready for you.

Stephen Fry

Oh, there it is. We know that’s what you were thinking.

Stephen Fry

What I want you to do first is tell me all about the twelve Frenchmen and the twelve mosquitoes.

Dara Ó Briain

Once upon a time, there were twelve Frenchmen called... 'Appy, Sleepy, Arrogant, Furieux, Un Chose Comme Ca, Bof and Zut Alors. And...

Phill Jupitus

That's six!

Dara Ó Briain

Fenètre, Boulangerie...

Alan Davies

Le Table.

Dara Ó Briain

Le Table, of course. And Jambon et Fromage, the twins. And they used to travel around with mosquitoes...

Phill Jupitus

And what were the mosquitoes called?

Bill Bailey

Buzzy, Stingy...

Dara Ó Briain

It was a very, very low-rent 1950's French detective series, that involved, at some point, the extraction of a tiny amount of blood from one of the suspects.

Stephen Fry

... and I use the word books very loosely, like... The DaVinci Code. (spits) It is complete loose stool water. It is arse-gravy of the worst kind.

Alan Davies

He was a blues singer... "Please welcome Lou Stool Water!"

Stephen Fry

You are three times more likely to die at work than at war.

Alan Davies

Does that include soldiers?

Stephen Fry

Another dangerous sport is russian roulette of course.

Alan Davies

That's dangerous. In the early days, you had a musket. You'd only have the one.