Alan Davies quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Now the atmosphere is completely: um, what's the word I'm looking for?

Alan Davies

Electric?

Stephen Fry

It's between three and six, actually, it's not very many.

Alan Davies

Four or five.

Stephen Fry

You’re not doing badly, I must say. A fulsome pair of funbags there.

Jo Brand

You know what? That was almost heterosexual.

Alan Davies

But it wasn’t though, was it?

Stephen Fry

When did rabbits arrive in Britain?

Alan Davies

Tuesday.

Stephen Fry

Do you remember what year it was?

Alan Davies

3000 years ago. Tuesday morning.

Sean Lock

It’s like a mix between smug and orgasm.

Alan Davies

Smorgasm.

Stephen

And who are the most dangerous cars driven by in the world?

Oh, are we talking about men or women, children, babies, dogs...

Stephen

No, nationalities. The most dangerous cars are green apparently, and driven by the Chinese.

Alan Davies

...called tanks.

Stephen Fry

What would you find in the middle of a pearl??

Alan Davies

An oyster.

Jeremy Clarkson

[Whilst audience are laughing] No.

Stephen

[Surprised voice] You find an oyster in the middle of a pearl?!

Alan Davies

If you cut their whiskers off, they can get their head stuck in a milk bottle, I know that.

Stephen Fry

...from experience?

Alan Davies

They will try, if you put something at the bottom like a bit of tuna.

David Mitchell

And if they do actually manage it, you end up with a lovely bottled cat! That you can take to a party. "I couldn't decide red or white, so I brought a cat."

Alan Davies

I was the elephant in the room!

Stephen Fry

I know, it was brilliant.

Alan Davies

It was brilliant!

Alan Davies

We had a Jimmy Glasscock at school.

Stephen Fry

Oh, did you?

Alan Davies

Yeah, you could always see when he was coming.

Bill Bailey

There's a certain efficiency about it. [in German accent] "He does somesing, then he falls over. Is very amusing. Before, he vas valking in a straight line, so he's valking into the door! Is genius!"

Alan Davies

"Zis is vhat happens vhen you break ze rules!"

Bill Bailey

"Sometimes I stay up very late!"

Stephen Fry

And how are you eating yours, Alan?

Alan Davies

By hand.

Stephen Fry

Do you know, the thing is, Alan gets 20 points, because that’s how Neopolitans eat spaghetti. They lean back and drop it into their mouths by hand.

Jimmy Carr

That’s not fair! Alan thinks mashed potatoes are finger food!

Stephen Fry

They say of the Acropolis, where the Parthenon is … [Stephen flubs the line, causing the panellists to rib him mercilessly for the next 3-4 minutes as he tries to nail it for the recording - he eventually manages to force out to great applause:] … there are no straight lines!

Jimmy Carr

Do they? [sigh]

Alan Davies

Whatever …

Alan Davies

Did you really work that out?

Some of us paid attention at school, Alan.

Alan Davies

That one again! That seems to be the root of all my problems.

Stephen Fry

[while explaining about the formula used to determine the number of times a paper could be folded] … what you need is length and thickness.

Alan Davies

That will get ripped off and straight onto YouTube. That will also become a ringtone. "What you need is length and thickness." [mimes accepting a call] "Hello?"

Stephen Fry

Damn you all. You want--

Alan Davies

And that'll be for text messages.