Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

What's the collective noun for a group of baboons?

Rich Hall

The Pentagon.

Arthur Smith

Here's a quite interesting fact: as we know, at the end of a marvellous performance, when we see a live show, and you think it's fabulous and you want more, you shout, "Encore" …

Stephen Fry

Yes …

Arthur Smith

Do you know what the French shout?

Stephen Fry

"Bis"?

Arthur Smith

Oh yeah, you do know.

Stephen Fry

Honeybees have evolved a complex language to tell each other where the best nectar is, using the sun as a reference point. Amazingly, they can also do this on overcast days and at night by calculating the position of the sun on the other side of the world. This means they can actually learn and store information despite the—

Alan Davies

Has it occurred to you that they may not be using the sun? That whoever has worked that out is wrong? He's now said, "Even if you can't see it or it's on the other side of the world, they still use it." And these bees are thinking, "No, we don't! We just remember where we live!" Why is it so remarkable that they know where they live?

Stephen Fry

… Well, because they have only 950,000 neurons, as opposed to our 10,000,000,000 neurons in our brains.

Alan Davies

But they've only got one thing to remember—where they live.

Alan Davies

Why did the mushroom go to the party?

Jo Brand

No. No.

Stephen Fry

No, not that joke. Why did the mushroom go to the party, Alan?

Alan Davies

Cos he was a fun gi. [The audience groans.] What’s wrong with that joke, then?

Jo Brand

That’s a joke for, like, an imbecile. You know, like nought point seven years old.

Alan Davies

What's brown and sticky?

Jo Brand

Oh, no... I don't kn— yeah, I do...

Alan Davies

A stick.

Jo Brand

Yeah... [Exasperatedly puts her head down.]

Stephen Fry

I'm worried by the audience reaction...

Alan Davies

What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?

Jo Brand

A stick.

Alan Davies

A stick.

Stephen Fry

Do you have any other jokes where the punchline's "a stick"?

Alan Davies

Loads!

Stephen Fry

Oh, right.

Alan Davies

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?... A carrot.

Stephen Fry

What's red and silly?... A blood clot. [The audience groans, Alan grimaces] Oh, don’t look at me like that, you fucking pig-eyed sack of shit! Don't you do that!

Alan Davies

You've spoiled it. What's red and sits in the corner? A naughty strawberry.

Rich Hall

What's green and sings? Elvis Parsley.

Stephen Fry

If I've got a mothball in this hand and a mothball in that hand, what have I got?

Alan Davies

Two mothballs?

Stephen Fry

No, a rather excited moth.

Stephen Fry

In Britain in 1994, you might be interested to know, there were an astonishing range of accidents reported by the, erm … [deep breath] … Trade and Industries Consumer Safety Units Home Accidents Surveillance History Report. Eight people in the UK in '94 were injured by placemats. Thirteen sustained cruet injuries. Five were wounded by dustpans. Eight suffered as a result of a breadbin accident. Five were hurt by sieves. Fourteen fell foul of a serving trolley. Seventeen were treated for injuries caused by a draught excluder. Four hundred and seventy-six people were injured while on the lavatory … there you are. Underwear hurt eleven people.

Alan Davies

How many of those people were drunk?

Stephen Fry

Well, exactly. Or how many of them were sexually experimental?

Stephen Fry

What is bottomry?

Clive Anderson

It's the opposite of topiary.

Stephen Fry

What is the commonest material in the world?

Clive Anderson

Jim Davison's.

Stephen Fry

He died in 1996; what happened at his funeral?

Alan Davies

Oh, it was terrible, they couldn't get him into his coffin.

Stephen Fry

Why was that?

Alan Davies

Well, they put the left leg in … Then the trouble started.

Sean Lock

They've got eight legs; they'd appreciate a one-man band.

Kylie Minogue

Stephen Fry

Why's that?

Spinning Around

Sean Lock

But I don't think spiders are that into puns.

Stephen Fry

Well, the answer to this question is, it does seem to be classical music. They did an experiment, er, and they found that ...

Who are "they"? Who are "they"?

Stephen Fry

University of Ohio, in this instance, is "they". Or are "they".

Sean Lock

The University of Fuck-All-Else-Better-To-Do.

Formerly the Polytechnic of Fuck-All-Else-To-Do.

Alan Davies

I'm not as stupid as you think.

Stephen Fry

No, you're not. You couldn't be.

Alan Davies

What would your super power be of choice?

Stephen Fry

Invisibility.

Alan Davies

Really?

Stephen Fry

Yeah, I think. Ah, it'd be great. What would you like?

Alan Davies

I would like to have no bodily smell.

Stephen Fry

Scientists have managed to create a big bar, a huge one ton metal bar, which is just a fraction of a degree above zero.

There's bound to be one scientist, that goes in with the big iron bar one day... [looks around, firmly presses tongue against table] ...Ohhh, not again.

Alan Davies

How many states of matter are there?

Stephen Fry

Oh, hello. If you count plasma, I suppose 4: liquids, soli-

Alan Davies

Oop!

Alan Davies

Four is wrong. Six! I'm surprised at you Stephen.