Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

[discussing rainbows] In Estonia they believe that if you point at a rainbow, your finger will fall off.

Alan Davies

Oh, for God's sake.

Stephen Fry

I know.

Alan Davies

Estonians aren't stupid people, are they?

Stephen Fry

They're not.

Sean Lock

[holding up his fists] They're very stumpy, though.

Alan Davies

She disguised herself as a man to sneak into the king’s chamber.

Stephen Fry

No. She was just very miffed at not being able to marry.

Sean Lock

You sound like you’re in a school play then. “She disguised herself as a man...!” You’re supposed to be an actor!

Stephen Fry

Have you never seen Jonathan Creek?

Stephen Fry

[about woodpeckers' tongues] How does it fit into its mouth, you may wonder? Well, it has to wrap it round its brain and the back of its eye sockets. Funnily enough, woodpeckers are very popular on creationist websites, because they argue that this is such an extraordinary creature designed so fit for its purpose, and so on, that only a designer could have made it, it couldn't have evolved. Apart from everything else, when it moves, sometimes up to fifteen or sixteen times a second it beats the wood to make a hole, which is incredibly fast and generates immense forces—two hundred and fifty times more forces than an astronaut is subjected to. It's a thousand Gs. And it has these extraordinary kind of little muscles and cartilages around its brain to stop it from shattering. [suddenly laughs] If the pecker's got wood, why go for tongue, you may argue! Um … [giggles as everyone stares at him] … but it is pretty astonishing …

Jo Brand

Could we maybe have an offshoot of this program called Quite Unnecessary? Can I be on that?

Jo Brand

When I was a teenager, someone I knew gave their dog LSD …

Stephen Fry

Oh, my Lord!

Jo Brand

… It went to Glastonbury.

Stephen Fry

Phil, one for you, I think. What goes ‘woof, woof, boom’?

Suicidal corgi. The next Norwegian entry for the Eurovision Song Contest? [Singing.] “My heart goes woof, woof, boom.”

Rich Hall

A terrierist!

Stephen Fry

This brings us neatly to our General Ignorance round, in which we ask Alan, is this a rhetorical question?

Alan Davies

[He thinks for a while.] No.

Stephen Fry

Quite right.

Stephen Fry

You don't meet many American Jeremys do you? Have you ever met one?

Jeremy Clarkson

No it's too complicated, there's three syllables.

Jeremy Clarkson

I went into a brothel on Saturday.

Stephen Fry

You heard it here first, folks.

Jeremy Clarkson

It's exactly like a motorway service station lavatory.

Alan Davies

Bet that was a welcome break.

Stephen Fry

What has large teeth and only one facial expression?

Bill Bailey

Janet Street-Porter.

Stephen Fry

It just meant an expression of surprise—"Hullo, what have we got here?" "Hullo, what's this?" And we still use it in that sense.

Bill Bailey

Do we?

Stephen Fry

… Don't we, Bill?

Bill Bailey

Yes, when we live our lives like 1950s detective films, yes. I often go to my fridge, "Hullo, we're out of milk. I say, mother, where's the milk?"

Stephen Fry

You beast, you beast, you utter, utter, beast.

Stephen Fry

I don’t know, it’s like occupational therapy in an old people’s home. Oh, hello, what have you got here?

Jimmy Carr

[Reading his board.] ‘Put smarties tubes on cats legs make them walk like a robot’.

Stephen Fry

Brilliant. That is absolutely wonderful. He’s used all his letters.

Alan Davies

That is unbe-fucking-lievable. It makes sense. They would walk like a robot. It’s an idea. It’s like giving people an idea.

Bill Bailey

It puts this completely to shame. [He holds his board up. It says, ‘gay elf romp’.]

Alan Davies

I can’t even imagine how you managed to do that!

Stephen Fry

No, I’m sure you can’t, Alan.

Jimmy Carr

It does work, actually. It’s a lovely way to spend an afternoon.

Stephen Fry

How many moons does the earth have?

Alan Davies

Two.

Stephen Fry

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.

Alan Davies

We did this last series!

Stephen Fry

Yes, but Alan, that was last year. There have been three more discovered.

Alan Davies

Oh, shut up!

Stephen Fry

Do you know what "biscuit" means? What its derivation is? "Bis", meaning…

Alan Davies

Eat, chew, bit …

Stephen Fry

… twice …

Alan Davies

… bite …

Stephen Fry

… twice …

Alan Davies

… bite, sweet, hard, coffee cup.

Stephen Fry

…twice. [laughs] "Sweet, hard, coffee cup"?

Alan Davies

Cup. Coffee cup accompaniment.

Stephen Fry

[To Rich Hall on the American meaning of Biscuit] You have Biscuits and Gravy, don't you? Tell the ladies and gentlemen what that is.

Dara Ó Briain

Oh, Traveller from an arcane land.

Stephen Fry

(As if speaking to a young child) What do your people eat?

Rich Hall

Everything!

Stephen Fry

Do you know why the grass is greener in Ireland than over here?

Uhm, it's because of lime stone?

Stephen Fry

No, because you're all over here walking on ours.