Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Stephen Fry

Now. Picture the scene. I'm out windsurfing. The breeze is ruffling my trousers and sun-bleached hair. I look up, and I see on the horizon a ship. How far away is it?

Alan Davies

Twenty-one miles.

Stephen Fry

No.

Alan Davies

I thought it was always twenty-one miles.

Stephen Fry

No.

Alan Davies

I didn't even get flagged for that.

Stephen Fry

No, no, I didn't know that anybody always thought that it was twenty-one miles.

Stephen Fry

[pointing to the red flower in his buttonhole] What does my buttonhole tell you about me?

Jo Brand

That you're a closet heterosexual?

Stephen Fry

How dare you!

Stephen Fry

And the film based on La Dame aux Camélias is …?

Jo Brand

Carry On Menstruating.

Stephen Fry

Do you know the difference between a frog and a toad?

Alan Davies

Spelling.

Stephen Fry

What do you call a slug with a shell?

Alan Davies

I’m not falling for that one.

Emma Thompson

[pointing at Stephen] I used to do that to him, actually, make sure that he couldn't get out while I was changing.

Stephen Fry

You did.

Emma Thompson

Yeah. It was very good fun.

Stephen Fry

She used to show me her breasts. [He rhymes the word with "beasts".]

Emma Thompson

This fantastic effect I used to have on him, 'cause I could make—I could do it now—I'm not going to, but I could—I could make him scream.

Stephen Fry

[small scream] No. No. Don't.

Emma Thompson

Not like that scream that we just heard, but a real, actual sort of scream of terror and fright, just by appearing nude at the top of his stairs. [Stephen shudders.] And doing what I like to do, which is locking all the doors at the bottom, so that when he tried to get out … [Stephen mimes pounding on locked doors] … as I came down the stairs, going, "Yes, baby, they're all yours!" By the end of which he was in a state of such extreme panic, and it's great to make someone very clever fall apart like that.

Stephen Fry

[to Emma Thompson, about her pubic hair] Do you wax yourself down there, dovey?

Emma Thompson

[gets up intimidatingly] Do you want to see?

Stephen Fry

[collapses] No! I don't want to see! No, I do not. Oh, God!

Emma Thompson

You know I'd do it.

Stephen Fry

I know you would. She'd envelope me in her skirt.

Alan Davies

Lock the doors! Lock the doors! Ye of faint of heart, leave immediately!

Emma Thompson

You know the word "luvvie"?

Stephen Fry

Yeah?

Emma Thompson

What do you all feel about it?

Stephen Fry

I mean, I'm not going to get as upset as some actors do—some actors say, "We do a bloody hard job at work, we're serious people, we—you know, it's a coal face, doing a play! How dare they call us luvvies!" You know? I mean, that's a bit overdone. On the other hand, it's a bit tedious when the Daily Mail says "luvvie couple XYZ" or something …

Emma Thompson

Do you know what the first citation of it is in the OED?

Stephen Fry

No.

Emma Thompson

It's you.

Stephen Fry

gasps

Stephen Fry

No! I can't believe... Did I invent the word?

Emma Thompson

Yeah, it's you sometime in the 1980s.

Stephen Fry

Did I? I'm ashamed.

Stephen Fry

I'm inclined to give the point to Rich, because he's sort of accidentally right, only he's sort of wrong as well.

Rich Hall

As usual.

Stephen Fry

What can you usefully teach an oyster? [David rings in] Yes?

David Mitchell

Is it … you know … not to get its hopes up? To expect … lemon juice and death?

Jimmy Carr

The feeding of the five thousand? Like there's five thousand people and they wanted some bread and fish. I reckon that was just about four and a half thousand people going, "What have we got, bread and fish? I'm all right, thanks. I'll have something when I get home."

David

The other interesting thing about that story is that out of the five thousand people, only two of them had thought to bring any food. And so in a way it's, okay, good miracle, but the other side of it is 4,998 idiots with no sense of foresight at all. And Jesus doesn't make them learn a lesson from that!

Stephen Fry

"This is the sermon on the Mount. This isn't Glastonbury," he could have said, couldn't he?

David Mitchell

But, you know, he should have said "You didn't bring any food! Of course there's not gonna be any food! Think about it!" ... "Plan next time! Judea would be better if people planned!" But no. "Yeah, it always works out fine; Jesus'll magic up some grub!" No! He's gonna get crucified one day, and then what are you gonna eat?

Stephen Fry

Name a poisonous snake.

Jimmy Carr

Piers Morgan.

Alan Davies

Poison is not the same as venom. It can’t be. Because there are loads of poisonous snakes.

Jimmy Carr

You sounded so like Jonathan Creek just then. You just somehow, with the pen, it’s just so right.

Stephen Fry

I’ve got the answer! In a locked room.

Stephen Fry

Now, before we move on, we’d like you to draw now, you should have a card if you haven’t sawn it in half. We’d like you to draw the world’s first novelty teapot.

Stephen Fry

Alan.

Alan Davies

Sorry, it all went down... it’s quite a draught in here as it turns out.

Stephen Fry

What did I ask you to draw?

Alan Davies

Draw the world’s first novelty teapot.

Stephen Fry

Damn, you were listening. That’s very good.

Alan Davies

Still going rainforest. I'm sorry.

Stephen Fry

Yes, but you'd have to travel thousands of miles, you'd have to park there, you'd have to look, you'd have to, you know -

Alan Davies

Park?!