Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Jimmy Carr

It can mimic anything? I'd make it woof. How funny would that be, if you had a bird that woofed?

Alan Davies

I'd get it to do limericks.

Marcus Brigstocke

I'd probably get it to do Bill Oddie.

Stephen Fry

Surely that would be a bearded tit, if it was anything.

Alan Davies

You're thinking of Rory McGrath.

Sean Lock

Salamanders can go in fire, can't they?

Stephen Fry

Yes, that's the legend, presumably that's what happened.

Marcus Brigstocke

How long can a salamander go in fire?

Sean Lock

'till it's cooked!

Stephen Fry

The Eiffel Tower. They loathed it. Guy de Maupassant loathed it so much that his favourite restaurant was …?

Alan Davies

The "Eiffel Tower is Crap" Bistro.

Stephen Fry

No, it was in the Eiffel Tower.

Alan Davies

Oh, so he didn't have to look at it.

Stephen Fry

So—exactly. The one place in Paris he couldn't see the Eiffel Tower was inside the Eiffel Tower.

Marcus Brigstocke

Could he not maybe just ask for a chair facing the other way?

Stephen Fry

He was a French writer trying to make a point, and therefore a git.

Stephen Fry

Now, how many commandments are there?

Jimmy Carr

Are we talking about the commandments that God dictated to Moses on Mount Sinai?

Stephen Fry

Yeah.

Jimmy Carr

Literally none, never happened.

Alan Davies

I put it in the bath?

Stephen Fry

Mm, yeah...

Jimmy Carr

What, does gold go small and wrinkly in the bath?

Sean Lock

That's your crown jewels!

Stephen Fry

So this particular man, Archimedes, pondering this problem that he’d been given by the king gets in the bath, sees the water rise, and leaps out of the bath shouting...

Alan Davies

Eureka!

Stephen Fry

Exactly.

Sean Lock

I really thought you were gonna say ‘Arsenal!’ then, Alan.

Stephen Fry

In this episode, there is a special forfeit if you use a particular F word...

Jo Brand

Oh, fuck off.

Stephen Fry

It was almost a clever double-bluff that it would be that word.

Stephen Fry

Alan, do you enjoy fargling?

Alan Davies

Am I fargling now?

Stephen Fry

No.

Stephen Fry

By the way, does anyone know, incidentally, what is the best opening move of Paper, Scissors, Stone?

Dara Ó Briain

If you say, "You go first"

Jo Brand

Is it a real rock?

Stephen Fry

What's the ideal way to kiss a Frenchman?

Alan Davies

A French man? [laughing] I don't know. With their consent?

Stephen Fry

Very well put! What a nice young man.

Stephen Fry

And 5 is Corsica, I suppose...

Dara Ó Briain

5?! They really have very little to do in Corsica do they?

Stephen Fry

Can you tell me what sort of person kisses 5 times? "Cors-i-can!"

Alan Davies

If you're unsure about whether to do one cheek or two, best way to deal with it is to cup their genitals while you're doing it, and they won't mind how many kisses.

Stephen Fry

[laughing] Cup their genitals! After the words "Carry your bag, sir?"

Stephen Fry

How would you describe the famous Thatcher effect?

Phill Jupitus

Yes. You get the country to bend over, and you give it one till its eyes water.

Jo Brand

It was great actually when she became Lady Thatcher, because then she sounded like a device removing pubic hair.

Stephen Fry

The University of Amsterdam used emotion recognition software to analyse the famous enigmatic smile.

Phill Jupitus

Or looked at her. "Emotion recognition software"? I don't know. My money's on "bored." What do you reckon?

Stephen Fry

It showed that it was 83% happy, 9% disgusted, 6% fearful and 2% angry. She was less than 1% neutral and not even a quarter of one percent surprised.

Phill Jupitus

Sounds like a breakdown of the audience.

I feel that any country that can produce marmite, they started later than everybody else in trying to make food taste good.

Stephen Fry

This from a country that has spray-on cheese?

Alan Davies

They had vacuum cleaners in America in the 19th century, and they were huge, and they had to go on the back of a car drawn by horses.

Stephen Fry

[pedantic] I remember seeing that on a programme called QI! ...But well remembered!