Stephen Fry quotes from QI

Rich Hall

Oh man, of all the pictures you have to show.

Stephen Fry

I know, it's not good.

Rich Hall

That's my uncle in that.

Stephen Fry

Er, Rich?

Rich Hall

Ever since the clangers, I’ve been lost. The last picture I recognised was the KKK and that’s pretty sad.

Stephen Fry

Thirty-mile-an-hour winds come when a train enters the station, and a lot of hair gets blown down into the tunnels.

Andy Hamilton

That's how I lost mine, actually. Most of it is Tottenham Court Road.

Stephen Fry

The word "donkey"—when did it come into the English language?

When was Don Quixote published?

Stephen Fry

They've discovered a papyrus which has the whole book of Revelations--it's the oldest papyrus on the book of Revelations--and the number is 616, as was known about--

[pressing his buzzer] That's the fax number of the Beast.

Stephen Fry

What is meant by the expression "hoover the talking seal"?

Well, it's either one of those wonderful Oz expressions for throwing up … "Excuse me, I've got to go hoover the talking seal …"

Stephen Fry

Or "My wife came in just as I was hoovering the talking seal …"

Stephen Fry

Jo, what’s a good way to create the impression that you’ve cleaned the house when you haven’t?

Jo Brand

Just lock the door and kill everyone.

Stephen Fry

You spray or apply furniture polish to a radiator, and it fills the room with the smell of furniture polish. These hints are either from a book called Trade Secrets by Katherine Lapworth and Alexandra Fraser, or from Superhints by the Lady...

Jo Brand

I know those two. They're slags, the pair of them.

Stephen Fry

What do you know of the book called Superhints by the Lady Wardington?

Jo Brand

Yeah, I know her.

Stephen Fry

Do you know the Lady Wardington?

Jo Brand

She's a bitch.

Stephen Fry

What is the cheapest way to remove blood stains from clothes? Let’s imagine if you cut yourself shaving and you get a spot there.

Alan Davies

The cheapest way?

Stephen Fry

Yeah.

Alan Davies

What, you have to go down to the river and beat it on a rock?

Alan Davies

The door handle kept turning like that. Turning and turning and turning, and I couldn’t get into the loo. And I really needed to go. So I kicked the door in. And it’s the only time I’ve ever kicked a door in. Brilliant! It was a really cheap, flimsy door, and it smashed, like that, and it exploded, and the door bit fell down, and there was wood everywhere, and I burst in, and [smiling triumphantly] had a crap.

Stephen Fry

Lovely. Very nice.

Stephen Fry

Mithras was a saviour sent to Earth to live as a mortal, through whom it was possible for sinners to be reborn into immortal life; he died for our sins but came back to life the following Sunday; he was born of a virgin on December 25th in a manger or, perhaps, a cave, attended by shepherds, and became known as The Light of the World; he had twelve disciples with whom he shared a last meal before dying; his devotees symbolically consumed the flesh and blood of him. Because Mithras was a sun god he was worshipped on Sundays...

Alan Davies

Is he a tribute band?

Stephen Fry

There are dozens of religions in world mythology that have visits by wise men, kings who killed children to stop the new king from being born. There's a great deal in Christianity that's traditional. And however wonderful people think the story is, it's frankly not original.

Dara Ó Briain

That is an interesting direction to start a Christmas Special with.

Dara Ó Briain

[in thick Irish accent] And they stuck All Saints' Day and All Souls' Day around the time people were celebrating …

Stephen Fry

You know, I don't think there is an Arseholes Day.

Dara Ó Briain

You and your liberal agenda.

Stephen Fry

Why do they [British Royal Family] open presents on Christmas Eve?

Jo Brand

Because they're all fuckin' mad!

Stephen Fry

No, because they're all fuckin' German!

Stephen Fry

Name a saint who comes from Ireland.

Alan Davies

Patrick.

Alan Davies

Why do I even bother?