Henry Spencer quotes from Psych

Henry

How do you escape when you're locked in the trunk of a car?

Young Shawn

When? Don't you mean "if" as in like maybe never?

Henry

Not today, kid; your survival training starts right now. [throws Shawn into trunk of his car as their neighbor walks by and looks scandalized] It's okay, Mrs. Nusbaum, everything's fine; got the keys right here, just teaching Shawn a little survival technique, thank you. All right, Shawn. Here's what you want to do. You want to feel for the brake light. You feel it, it's right over here. You would kick it out. [Shawn kicks out the taillight] I didn't say to actually do it, I said you would do it.

Henry

[to Lassiter] Well, come on, Mr. Viability.

Lassiter

There was a pretty good chance I was bitten by a tick back there... I could be going through the beginning stages of Lyme disease.

Henry

Oh man up.

Lassiter

You're juicing, aren't you? I knew it.

Henry

Think you can pick up the pace, Mr. Viability?

Lassiter

There's an excellent chance I was bitten by a tick back there. I could be going through the beginning stages of Lyme disease.

Henry

Man up, Detective

Lassiter

What is it? Steroids, right? You're juicing, aren't you? I knew it.

Henry

[about an army commercial] Look at all the stuff they're getting done while you're lying there slacking off. What does that make you want to do?

Young Shawn

Go into advertising. That's a really catchy jingle. Seriously, I can't get it out of my head.

Shawn

My results speak for themselves; you just hold me to a different standard!

Henry

I do not!

Shawn

You buried my Easter eggs five feet underground.

Henry

And I left loose dirt to indicate a fresh dig.

Shawn

Yeah, under a camouflage tarp covered in bricks and broken glass!

Henry

That was the giveaway! Pardon me for trying to challenge you!

Shawn

It took me three weeks to "close the egg investigation". I was eight!

Henry

Yeah, well, just so you know, there are still two eggs you haven't found.

Shawn

You're sick!

Juliet

You need to stop taking your frustration with Shawn out on Henry.

Lassiter

Better him than the neighbor's cat. [lets Henry out of the locked police car]

Henry

I coulda suffocated in there!

Lassiter

Please, I cracked a window!

Henry

I'm glad Shawn peanut buttered your phone the other day!

Lassiter

I knew that was him!

Juliet

GUYS!

Lassiter

I still have Jif in my ear...

Lassiter

Come on chief, let me run with this one.

Henry

[seated in a corner] What if we let them work together? Separately, but together?

Shawn

[pointing at Henry] That lonely bald guy in the corner makes no sense.

Gus

Am I the only person that's freaked out he's been sitting there the whole time?

Henry

You're not afraid of competition, are you Shawn?

Shawn

Of course not. As long as doesn't involve people trying to best each other.

Lassiter

You're not going anywhere because you're not on this case.

Shawn

Understood. DAAAAAD!

Henry

They're on this case.

Lassiter

Henry!

Shawn

All right. Can I get out of here? I've just about solved this case.

Lassiter

ONE question.

Shawn

If it will make you happy.

Lassiter

I think it will. [Pause] Are you psychic?

Shawn

Excuse me?

Lassiter

Are you, Shawn Spencer, psychic?

Henry

You're gonna have to answer that one, Shawn.

...and Henry Spencer, where are your pants?

Henry

I'm not entirely sure, Karen.

It's just a crazy coincidence. These nails were made popular by Jersey Shore.

Gus

Nice try Queen of the Damned.

Henry

JWoww does wear those nails when they go out clubbing.

Henry

What? I'm not saying I'm buying her story.

Shawn

We got serious business to attend to.

Henry

Serious business? You're going to an opening of a new cupcake store.

Gus

No, we're going to a closing of an old cupcake store.

Shawn

And then we're going to the opening of a new cupcake store.

Henry

Bring me back a red velvet.

Lassiter

Are you saying that Spencer might actually win this thing? Oh my God, the Mayans were right.

Henry

That's it. I'm gonna have to move. There's no other solution.

Shawn

These must be from my publisher.

Gus

You don't have a publisher. You sent pages to a printer. And it wasn't even a real printer. It was Dr. Ted.

Shawn

Gotta admit, his copywork was spot on. Top flight.

He wrote a book?

Gus

We wrote a book.

Henry

Define wrote.

Shawn

Psych's Guide to Crime Fighting for the Totally Unqualified. I'm reading excerpts at Barnes & Noble next week. It's not official. I'm just going to start reading in the middle of the store and draw a crowd.