Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Listen, Shawn, don't take this the wrong way, but I'm on a bit of a hot streak of late. I don't want you coming in, messing with my swing. Because I have a tendency to over think things.

Shawn

That surprises me.

Gus

Shawn, where are you, and where's my car?

Shawn

I'll explain it all when I see you! I'm only a couple of minutes away.

Gus

What are you doing?

Shawn

Driving around for a bit to make sure no one's following me. Your left blinker's out, by the way. Get this; I have some good news, and some bad news, and some good news. Here's the good: I know who killed Izzy.

Gus

What was the bad?

Shawn

The killer may know I'm onto him.

Gus

And what was the other good?

Shawn

He may think that me is actually you.

Gus

Wh- How is that good news?!

Shawn

I meant good for me!

Shawn

They tell me I got something called Narcissistic Personality Disorder. But, uh, the truth is this lustrous hair and dimpled chin are merely chapter one. I'm a veritable cornucopia of high-octane maladies, such as outrageous intelligence syndrome. And a little obsessive successful disorder.

Goodness. I've never encountered a patient who suffers from so many diseases that don't exist.

Shawn

Well, they, uh they exist where I come from.

And where is that?

Shawn

The future.

Shawn

I'm plenty sick, Wendell! Pill time, everybody! It's pill time! Pills, Come get your pills!

Orderly, restrain the patient.

Gus

Yes, ma'am.

Shawn

You can't catch me, McElroy! I'm gonna keep doing this! I'm gonna keep drivin' around in circles until I get hungry! And then I'm gonna eat that fountain! I'm like the ice cream man except I have barbiturates! Ha!

Shawn

Besides, the Doc said I could take these [mittens] off an hour ago.

Juliet

Then why are you still wearing them?

Shawn

The inner lining is so soft. I think it's Alpaca. Maybe baby muskrat. You gotta check this out.

Gus

I don't want to, Shawn.

Shawn

You're gonna be sorry.

Gus

Fine. Wow, they are supple. Try it, Lassie.

Lassiter

Enough with the stupid mittens! They are quite soft...

Shawn

Guys, I am getting some very strong psychic vibrations that we need to at least consider the possibility that Bernie is legitimately insane.

Lassiter

What?

Shawn

[shakes his head]

Juliet

Are you sensing something else?

Shawn

No, no, just some water stuck in my ear from this morning's free swim.

No! No!

Bernie, shut up. Shut up!

Make it stop! No!

Would you shut up?

Make him stop! Make him stop!

Gus

Don't move!

Turn it off!

Shawn

All right, Bernie, all right.

Gus

Wait, wait, wait. Not yet, Shawn. My favorite part is coming up.

Shawn

What? What are you telling me? That you're a Kenny G. fan?

Gus

A little bit, yes. This song.

Shawn

I gotta be honest, I've never minded this song either.

Gus

So you know that's right.

Shawn

It's really, really smooth.

Gus

Groove to it, Shawn.

Shawn

I don't know about grooving, Gus.

Make it stop! Ah! Turn it off!

Gus

Ooh, ooh.

Shawn

Oh, yeah.

Shawn

Spoiler alert! I'm making you a wallet.

Juliet

Oh, my God. This is worse than my nightmare. You like it here.

Shawn

Your father's coming to your birthday! I arranged the whole thing!

Gus

We.

Shawn

We arranged the whole thing!

Juliet

You did what?!

Gus

HE arranged the whole thing.

Shawn

I know I'm in the doghouse.

Juliet

Oh, you're not in the doghouse.

Shawn

I'm not?

Juliet

No, you're going to have to work really hard to make it in to the doghouse.

Shawn

OK, so I'm in the yard, which is still an enclosed area. [sees Juliet's expression] Unless I'm in the pound. Jules, am I in the pound?! Where's Gus? Is Gus with me?

Gus

Why do I have to be in the pound?

Shawn

So we can get adopted together like two inseparable weenie dogs.

Shawn

We got serious business to attend to.

Henry

Serious business? You're going to an opening of a new cupcake store.

Gus

No, we're going to a closing of an old cupcake store.

Shawn

And then we're going to the opening of a new cupcake store.

Henry

Bring me back a red velvet.

Shawn

Gus, we may have a Children of the Corn situation happening here....Gus, drive, drive!

Gus

There're people around.

Shawn

Plow through them!

Gus

They're smiling.

Shawn

Fine, they'll die happy! Floor it!

Lassiter

[about a fleeing Eli] Should I shoot him in the leg?

Shawn

Nah. Dot's got mad wheels. [Dot grabs Eli by the neck and tackles him to the ground. Milosh then runs up and begins to hit Eli with his shoe. Shawn and Lassiter wince.]

Shawn

Okay. Make sure you water my plants thrice daily, but do not talk to them, because once they get started, they will not stop. Especially Jim.

Gus

Jim's the ficus?

Shawn

He is indeed.

Shawn

Why do we need new friends? I have Gus. You have...whoever your friends are.

Juliet

Shawn, you're embarrassing me.