Shawn Spencer quotes from Psych

Juliet

You're acting like a child, Shawn.

Shawn

I AM NOT ACTING!

Shawn

[Shawn answers his phone call with Gus] Well, it is about time!

Gus

Shawn, this is the fourth vacation you paid for on my credit card!

Shawn

How are my plants?

Gus

A paper trail of deceit.

Shawn

Look, I was a victim here, too, man.

Gus

Shawn you robbed me. As far as I'm concerned, you're no different then the thieves who robbed you of the thing you robbed.

I've worked with professionals, mercenaries, compromised double-agents, and yet no one's behavior has been as utterly confusing as yours.

Shawn

Thank you.

It's not a compliment.

Shawn

Well, it depends on your definition of 'confusing', doesn't it?

Juliet

You kiss her, you die.

Shawn

Duly noted.

Lassiter

How many "get out of jail free" cards does a guy get?

Shawn

Two, duh. One in Chance, one in Community Chest.

Juliet

I don't take it personally that Shawn took on Thane's case. Even though I'm fairly certain that he is guilty.

Shawn

And I don't take it personally that Juliet feels that way. Even though she simply couldn't be "wronger".

Lassiter

[smiles] You two are so breaking up over this. And Spencer, remember, all convicts say they're innocent or they're framed or stop choking me. But at the end of the day, Thane Woodson is guilty of something.

Shawn

Not according to the Innocence Project.

Lassiter

Which is why they're high on my list of enemies. Right behind Internal Affairs, UNICAF and Lance Bass. [Juliet and Shawn look at him] Don't ask.

Gus

Who's the big scary dude?

Shawn

Gus, that's Carlton Lassiter. You should know this by now.

Gus

So do we go with Lassie or your dad?

Shawn

Worst. Options. Ever.

Shawn

Shawn Spencer. That is my partner Sh'Dynasty. It is spelled S-H, comma-to-the-top, dynasty.

"Comma-to-the-top"?

Gus

That's God's comma.

Shawn

Alright, just stay calm, OK? I'm pretty sure like 90 percent of gunshot wounds are psychological. Here's the good news: the body's actually designed for this sort of thing!

Uh, no it's not.

Shawn

I'm just saying, it's important for him to keep moving, you know? Maybe walk it off. This isn't serious. This isn't like having appendicitis!

We're taking him to surgery.

Shawn

OK, great! That's great! Where do I stand? Do I need to wash up? My hands are crazy clean. Look! I had one of those Dorrito tacos from Taco Bell about an hour--What are you telling me? I stay here? OK, good call! I'll man--I'll man the hallway. YOU GOTTA SAVE 'IM, THAT'S MY DAD!

Woody

I came as soon as I heard, I am so sorry. I brought a six-footer. [opens a body bag]

Shawn

Woody, what are you, whoa, look! [points to the monitor indicating that Henry is alive]

Woody

Oh. Awkward. I'll come back, uh, later.

Gus

Shawn, when we were thrown out of here, what part of "banned for life" did you misinterpret?

Shawn

All of it.

Shawn

You made out with a serial killer.

Juliet

You made out with Lassiter.

Shawn

OK, I guess that makes us even.

Shawn

I'm gonna go get some snacks. Who'd like snacks?

I'd love an apple, thanks.

Shawn

I said snacks.