Buford quotes from Phineas and Ferb

Ferb

She has a rich internal life.

Buford

Yeah, she's real messed up.

Candace

Buford?!

Irving

He just showed up and jacked in!

Candace

You can't come in here!

Buford

It's a free country.

Candace

No it's not! It's my head!

Candace

Jeremy, it's beautiful! I really love it. Thank you. Wait a minute. Where's Buford? [In Candace's mind]

Buford

[to Id] I don't care what Freud said about your selfish need for satisfaction. You're alright with me. [Id growls]

Buford

Smells like my grandma's house.

Buford

Have you met my grandma?

Phineas

You know what I like about our friends? We say things like, "We're gonna douse you in ant hormones." And they're just like, "Okay, whatever". They're so gay.

Buford

I just don't know what to do. There's a nerd-shaped hole in my heart. There's a nerd-shaped hole...

Baljeet

A bully-sized hole...

A big, honkin' hole in my heart!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Wait a second! You're singing?! I-I know what this means! You're leaving, aren't you?

Baljeet

I am sorry for my outburst earlier.

Buford

No, I'm sorry for putting the GPS on you; Consider it gone!

Baljeet

Oh yes, this is much less humiliating.

Buford

Don't worry, I'll get the duct tape.

Baljeet

He meant on my pants, right?

Candace

Phineas, Ferb, Mom put me on noise patrol while she's taking her online test. She needs it to be... [loudly] ABSOLUTELY QUIET!

Linda

[from upstairs] Candace, I'm trying to concentrate! [?] Now, let's see. Oh, I know that. It's love. [?] What do you mean "wool"? [Cut back outside]

Candace

You heard her, right? No noise. I want you silence and invisible. Got it? [leaves]

Buford

Silence and invisible? What I'm I? A ninja?

Phineas

That's it! Gang, I know what we're gonna do today! [pauses] Speaking of silence and invisible, where's Perry?

Baljeet

Buford, what are you doing?

Buford

The forest is filled with patch-crazed Europeans and I'm a bear in the woods. What do you think I'm doing?

Phineas

Ooh! Ooh! I know!

Buford

Am I on speaker phone? Get me off speaker phone!

Buford

No you should not, I created the world's largest wedgie machine.

Baljeet

Uh, you tried to eliminate the atmosphere, one time.

Buford

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

Lawrence

Hello lads!

Phineas

Hi Dad!

Lawrence

What the (BLEEP) are you boys doing?!

Phineas

I was just telling Buford about phone booths.

Buford

And I'm not buying it!

Lawrence

Oh no Buford, they were real. They were tiny rooms where you could talk on the phone in private.

Phineas

Yeah! And you'd have to put coins in them to make calls.

Buford

You guys are blowing my mind!

Lawrence

Speaking of coins... What's this here? Behind your ear? [Reaches behind Phineas's ear] It's a quarter!

Buford

How the (BLEEP) did you do that?!

Lawrence

A magician never reveals his secrets. [Walks away]

Buford

Your dad's really great at tricks!

Phineas

Not really, I just keep a bunch of quarters behind my ear 'cause he enjoys it so much. [Pulls a handful of quarters from behind his ear]

Phineas

[filling the bucket with Candace-liquid] Okay, these are the last drops of her.

Candace

Hurry up and change me before that bird comes back!

Phineas

Sure thing, Candace. We reversed the polarity, and it should do the trick. Now, try not to ripple. [zaps the bucket]

Candace

[in the shape of the bucket] This does not feel like the reverse of being a bucket of water.

Phineas

Hmm, so it would seem.

Buford

I don't know, I kinda like her like that. She looks like "Cand-berry sauce."

Buford

Little bit of garlic, a little bit a butter... [Gets interrupted by Baljeet]

Baljeet

Do not worry Isabella. You do not have to have every patch.

Phineas

Hey, Isabella, anything in the Fireside manual about escaping from quicksand?

Buford

Hey, guys, I landed up here, should I come down?

Baljeet

No! Throw down that vine! [Buford picks up the whole vine] Just one end!

Buford

Ok, but I don't know what you're gonna do with half a vine.

Baljeet

[to Phineas] Is it me? It is him, right?

Phineas

[to Buford] Now, Buford, pull! [Buford grunts, but the vine doesn't move] On the vine!

Buford

Oops, sorry!

Phineas

[aside, to Baljeet] It's him.

Phineas

And stop looking for Perry? Are you kidding? He's our pet! He's more than our pet. He's our friend. And, I know he's out there. [shows reactions of Buford, Isabella, and Baljeet respectively]

Baljeet

We are in Africa.

Buford

Pretty much sums it up.

Ferb

Well, has he been wrong before?

Buford

How wide are we willing to open this up?

Buford Van Stomm, world renowned chef, winner of the Palme de Mouton, runner-up of the Tri-State Area chili cook-off, and master prepare of the cuisine to the crown-

Buford

Hey, get that camera out of my face!

He's also kinda mean.

Buford

You bet your boots.

Baljeet

Based on my calculations, the planet will be here by midnight!

Buford

That's great news!

Baljeet

Our planets are going to collide! You do know what that means?

Buford

Sure, it's like when you have two sets of keys, and you keep one in the car.

Baljeet

No, it means- [realizes what Buford just said] NO! [facepalms]