Dr. Doofenshmirtz quotes from Phineas and Ferb

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

I'm a genius! For real this time

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Oh nice try but the mustache thing was still weirder.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

It's a pitiful existence I lead, Perry the Platypus. Do- Do you pity me? You should because I am pitiable. Everyone should pity me. Eh, you don't have to say pity too many times before it stops sounding like a word. Pity. Pity. Pit- See? That is only like two times and it's already just gobbledygook. Gobbledygook, too. I can't- I can't even get through that once. Gobbledy- Now see, I am not even consider the last syllable and it's already... [sighs] Great. Now, I am forgetting what I was talking about... Which is another reason to pity me! YEAH! Back on topic, baby!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

It's the best Inator I've ever made! And you know what, Perry the Platypus? There's no self-destruct button on this, so there's no way you can stop me from taking over the entire Tri-State-

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Wow. Well, like my Uncle Boris used to say: "When life's going well, a giant tire comes along and smashes your Inator." We all thought he was crazy at the time, but now he seems rather prophetic.

Doofenshmirtz

Oh, I see, a waterfall. Just in time for commercial. Isn't that convenient. [Both Doofenshmirtz and Perry go over the waterfall and start falling] What's that about, anyway? It's not a cliff-faller, it's called a cliff-hanger, and here we are, falling, and-watch watch watch, here we go, wait, look, yup yup see? There you go! Fading to black! [Scene fades to black]

Doofenshmirtz

[after getting whacked in the head by Pinky with the computer monitor] Wow! That guy is really good with computers!

Hub is overheating... Hub is overheating.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

[seeing the magma] The molten lava at the Earth's core completely slipped my mind.

Phineas

Ferb, you're usually so focused; how did you get those plans confused?

Vanessa

Hey, how's it going?

Phineas

Hey Ferb, snap out of it. What happened back there?

Ferb

I...was weak.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

... then no one can stop the wraith of Dr Heinz Doofenshmirtz!

Vanessa

Doctor? Since when are you a doctor?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

[shows Vanessa a doctorate certificate with a price tag on it] They don't just give these to anybody you know.

Vanessa

Anybody with $15, they do...

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

[swipes it away from her] Ok that's enough looking!

[before a concert] All right boys, let's blow the roof off this place.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

[tied to a firecracker] No! It's going to blow the roof off this place!

Perry

[mouthing a CD recording] Upon an evil winter's heart, the heavy hand of regret infrequently alights. The malevolent path is one trod without the cumbersome shackles of sentimental [the CD begins skipping] introspec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-spec-- [Perry whacks the CD player with the book]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Hmm, that's funny. I don't remember you saying "spec" so many times. [Perry explodes out of his disguise] Dr. Wexler, you're a platypus? [Perry puts on his hat] Perry the Platypus!?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

No more annoying songs about moons!

I do find moon songs annoying. Continue.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

It only has enough power to fire once, but don't worry [leans on ray gun] I've got it planned out. [fires laser]

No more annoying songs about dams?

Oh, but I like a good toe-tapping dam song.

[singing] Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Ugh, that stupid carnival is so loud I can't hear my own evil jingle! [turns to a quartet in a sound recording booth] Alright boys, take it from the top. Louder.

A one, two…

[singing] Doofenshmirtz Evil Inco—

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Oh, what now? [the quartet gets cut short by a loud crash from the ceiling into a pile of instruments; Perry staggers in, playing a banjo.] A banjo-playing platypus? [Perry puts on his hat] Perry the banjo-playing platypus?! Uh, take five, guys. Not you, Perry the Platypus.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

As I get older and older, I find it harder and harder to read my small little wristwatch. So I will launch Big Ben into space, and fly it all the way to the Tri-State area! ["flies" Big Ben over to his model of the Tri-State area] La, lala, lala, here I am, I just woke up and I want to know what time it is. [flings the model of himself across the room.] Woohoo! Yes! I'm a genius!

Wha - That's it?! That's your whole plan?!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Well, in a nutshell, yes! What do you think?

[glances at Perry, pauses] Am I on one of those hidden-camera shows? You realize you could just buy a bigger watch? Or maybe a wall clock?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Yes, but then I'd have to drive to the store and find a parking space, and I'd have to choose from like - dozens of styles ... It just seemed like so much work. This would be much less complicated.

Phineas

What's that noise? Is that your stomach?

Phineas

Yeah, I'm hungry too. That trendy restaurant Mom and Dad took us to last night wasn't exactly satisfying.

Phineas

Dad, can I borrow your glasses? I can't see my entrée. You know, because it's so small?

Lawrence

[holding his glasses] Yes, I think we got that.

Candace

[Phone rings] S'up, Stace?

Stacy

Candace, are you sitting down? I don't want you to have an aneurysm.

Candace

Why would I have an aneurysm?

Stacy

Someone just IM'd me that someone else heard someone else overhear that Jeremy is gonna call you and ask you out for a special evening tonight! [Both squeal] Candace, do you need medical attention?

Candace

Oh, I need attention from the doctor of love!

Stacy

Paging Dr. Jeremy.

Candace

Doctor. I got a fever.

Stacy

[Deep voice] Well, let me take care of that, little lady.

Candace

Wow. A special evening. [Phone beeps] It's my call waiting.

Linda

Honey, just calling to remind you- [Phone beeps]

Candace

Uh, it wasn't him.

Stacy

Don't worry, he'll call.

Buford

You're not on the list. You should have made a reservation yesterday.

Candace

This restaurant didn't exist yesterday. I demand to be let in right now.

Buford

Good evening, sir.

Doofenshmirtz

Oh, I forgot to make a reservation. [Slips Buford some money]

Buford

No problem, dude.

Candace

Did that guy just bribe you?

Buford

He didn't bribe me. He just caught my attention in a monetary fashion. Now, back in line.

Major Monogram

Avert your ears, Agent P! Avert your ears!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

No no no no! Get back in there! [pushes the CD tray back in, but it comes back out again] Wait, why is it— what? [cut to Perry, who is repeatedly hitting the eject button] Perry the Platypus!? I swear, out of all the aquatic mammals I hang with, you are truly the most uncooperative.

His name is Doof, and we'll do what he says: Whoop! Whoop! His name is Doof, and we'll do what he says: Whoop! Whoop!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

It's working! It's working!

Major Monogram

Oh no, Agent P! It's stuck in their heads! We need something even more catchy to counteract it! But what could we… [Perry opens the curtains, revealing a monitor] Agent P? Agent P, this is no time for decorating— [Looks at monitor, starting Gitchee Gitchee Goo Extended Version] Ooh, I see.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

No! Not the number one requested Phineas and Ferb song! New extended version, never before seen. Not that!