Dr. Doofenshmirtz quotes from Phineas and Ferb

Major Monogram

Great job, Agent P. You stopped Doofenshmirtz, saved the Tri-State Area, and finished the music video countdown. [at the camera] Well, thanks for tuning in, folks. We'll see ya next time. [at Doofenshmirtz, who is now trapped in the cage] Say good night, Doofenshmirtz.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

You know, someday I'll get out of this cage, but your name will still be Francis.

Doofenshmirtz

[giving the Mary McGuffin doll to Vanessa] Remember when you said that you wanted a Mary McGuffin doll, I be the world's greatest dad?

Vanessa

[flatly] Yeah, when I was, like, seven.

Doofenshmirtz

At last, I have found one. I've been spending years scourging the Internet and the garage sales trying to find the discontinued doll.

Vanessa

[surprised by this revelation] Wow, I can't believe you remembered that I wanted this.

Doofenshmirtz

Remembered? I never stopped looking.

Vanessa

Really?

Doofenshmirtz

You know, I may be an evil scientist, but it doesn't take a degree purchsed off the Internet with your ex-wife's moeny to show how important you are to me.

Vanessa

[smiles] That's so sweet.

Doofenshmirtz

Well, I better run. I bought a used -inator from the garage sale and it's missing a part.

Vanessa

Really? What does it do?

Doofenshmirtz

I don't know yet. It's missing a part. But whatever it is, I'm sure it will be pure evil.

Vanessa

[looks at the doll and smiles again] Well, at least, you're not evil.

Look! She's perfect, And I just love her!

Candace

Oh, forget it! I guess I'm just too old for dolls anyway.

Vanessa

Yeah, maybe I don't really have to have the one object that my dad spent years finding in order to show me his affection...

Vanessa

No, actually, I do. [snatches the doll from Sally] Gimme that, kid! [walks away with the doll, causing Sally to cry]

Doofenshmirtz

So you just took it from the little girl, and left her there crying?! Wow, that is evil! Honey, I am so proud of you! It felt good, didn't it? Yeah, we can build on this.

Vanessa

[singing] Not so bad a dad after all!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

I still think you should have added more green onions.

Norm

Well next time, you can do all the cooking, and I'll stand around coming up with evil plans that ultimately fail. [awkward silence]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Wow, cutting deep man.

[singing to We Wish You a Merry Christmas] We won't go until we get some, we won't go until we get some, so bring some right here!

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Wha-what...are-are you threatening me? How dare you! No one barges into my home and demands desserts! What sort of plan is that anyway, "Let's go to a stranger's house and in song form, refuse to leave unless he hands over a food dish no one's prepared since the 16th century?!"

Stacy

Candace, I am tired of taking the back seat to the totally unlikely chance that you'll bust your brothers. I want a best friend I can count on, so you're gonna have to choose: It's me or busting.

Candace

You're making me choose? You wouldn't dare!

Stacy

Ya-huh.

Candace

Ya-nothing! A real best friend would never do that to me.

Stacy

A real best friend wouldn't make mе do that to her.

Candace

Then I guess you're not my best friend!

Stacy

Not anymore!

Candace

Fine! [slams door]

Stacy

Fine!

Candace

Fine!

Stacy

FINE!

Candace

FINE! [Scene quickly changes to Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Finally, the plumber!

Vanessa

[arriving to her dad's place] Hey, Dad. I just got this cool lemonade from the stand down the street. It's really sour. You wanna- [slips on a piece of paper] Oh! [loses the lemonade and falls]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

[The lemonade spills on him, causing a lot of pain on his paper cuts] OW, THAT SMARTS, PERRY THE PLATYPUS!

Vanessa

[feeling uneasy] Uh.. Dad? You do know he's not here, right?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Yeah, but I'm sure it's his fault.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Wait, wait, wait... You saved her and now you're running off with her like...? OH! I have very mixed feelings about you! [to Perry] uh Perry the Platypus, how did you get here? I-I need a ride. Could you guys help me out?

Major Monogram

You're kidding, right?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

No! I have to save my daughter. This is a big deal! Oh please? Please please? Oh, please please-y weasy please please? Please?

Major Monogram

Fine. But after we get her back, you're going to answer for what you've done here, mister.

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Wait, what? You were coming here, anyway, and... [He accidentally steps on the button and water balloon is released from the rope holding it to the tower and flies up into the sky] Oh, and uh... As far as flinging that water balloon into orbit, hehheh... [puts his fingers on Major Monogram's mouth again] I did that.

Major Monogram

Seriously. When was the last time you washed your hands?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Major Monobrow and Perry the Platypus helped me find you.

Major Monogram

Monobrow?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Oh, come on. You got that whole thing up here. It's one straight line, for crying out loud.

Major Monogram

That's it, I'm getting my tweezers back from Carl.

Vanessa

[holds out of what it looks like to be a pistol] Hold it right there! [aims it at Monogram] Step away from evil scientist!

Doofenshmirtz

[surprised by this] Vanessa, I'm so proud of you! [Vanessa escorts him to Perry's hovercraft] You are evil.

Vanessa

I'm not evil! Just get in the car before they find out this is only a hairdryer. [both Vanessa and her father board the hovercraft and fly away]

Doofenshmirtz

This is a hairdryer?

Vanessa

Yeah, I got in Tokyo.

Doofenshmirtz

Cool. But they didn't know it was a hairdryer when you pointed at them, so that means you're a little evil.

Vanessa

Okay, Dad. Maybe I'm a little evil.

Doofenshmirtz

I KNEW IT! [burst into tears of joy, and Vanessa gives him a handkerchief] It's okay. I'm not gonna cry...

Vanessa

[smiles sheepishly] Dad.....

Monogram

[seeing the Doofenshmirtzes escape] Well, guess we could kiss that pair of handcuffs goodbye. [to Perry] Don't know about you, but I'm gonna take a review. [leaves off] See you back at the States!

Monogram

Even his answering machine gives us no clue as to where he is.

Doofenshmirtz

[Answering machine] Hello! You've reached Dr. Heinz Doofenshmirtz. I'm not here right now... or am I? [Evil laughing] Oh, and if you're calling about the piano, it's already been sold.

Doofenshmirtz

Lucky, ?

Vanessa

This is come up there come from.

Roger

Inner, not again?

Phineas

This is Uncle Nemo.

Roger

Nemo?

Vanessa

Yes, Dad?

Doofenshmirtz

PERRY THE PLATYPUS ALMOST ATE GUM OFF THE SIDEWALK!

Vanessa

Is that what you called to tell me?

Doofenshmirtz

No, no. I- I just called to remind you that I will be picking up you and your Visigoth friends up after the dance.

Vanessa

Dad, it's goths, not Visigoths. And they're punks, not goths.

Your dad's kinda cool.

Vanessa

You're my punk-rock boyfriend! You're not supposed to think my dad is cool! [walks up to the DJ box] It only matters that I think he's cool. [smiles and kisses her father on the cheek]

Doofenshmirtz

She thinks I'm COOL! [the audience cheers, and Vanessa joins in, waving her hands to everyone]

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

Oh, Vanessa! Thank goodness you're here! A platypus has tied me up in my own pants!

Vanessa

How did my life get to the point where that is not a strange sentence to me?

Dr. Doofenshmirtz

"I'm your daughter. I will stop being sarcastic and untie you."