[Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey you big hunk of wiener meat! I've got 40 hand towels, some energy bars and a Chinese finger trap. Let's get gross! [Starts humping Ron's shoulder]
This gambit has failed. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Leslie, Ron and Jamm are confronting Tammy Two]
Hey Jer Bear! What are you doing with these two jabronies?
JJamm
Tammy, I've given this a lot of thought, we should break up.
Hahahahaha! What's the matter little boy? The bad people get to you?
JJamm
They just made me realize how unhealthy this is. Literally. All the steak and whiskey, I have to wear a diaper.
[In baby talk] That's cause you're my whittle baby!
We drilled you on this Jamm. Baby talk, what do you do?
JJamm
I'm not a baby, I'm a BIG BOY!
Yeah okay, well that wasn't terrible...
JJamm
It's over Tammy.
Tell you what. It's been long enough. What do you say we consummate our relationship tonight!?
[Tammy strips all her clothes off until she's standing naked in the middle of the library]
Huh? Let's do it!
Oh ho ho and the last card is played!
What are you doing!?
RRandom Lady
Shhh! This is a library!
Do you see what's happening here!?!
JJamm
Ron I need that crotch blinder!
No you don't! Just end it!
Look at my boobs.
JJamm
No!
Look downstairs.
JJamm
No!
There's a prize inside for you.
JJamm
It's over Tammy.
What!?
JJamm
To Hell with you woman. Goodbye!
[While the others walk out Tammy starts yelling hysterically and knocking over bookshelves]
HOW DARE YOU!? ARE YOU KIDDING ME!? YOU'LL BE BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK! THEY ALL COME BACK TO TAMMY!
Well done Jeremy. Turns out the crotch blinder was inside you all along.
COME ON EVERYBODY! WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON!? I'M NAKED!
[Ron and Leslie have been locked in their old office by their coworkers until they can become friends again. After hours of Leslie trying to figure out why Ron is mad at her, Ron has begun digging through boxes.]
Ron, what are you doing?
I know I saw it. Aha!
[Ron pulls a detonator out of a box.]
Detonator...
[He pulls out the claymore that sat on his desk for years before he left the Parks Department.]
The partially defused claymore mine you gave me ten years ago...
[He places a box in front of a locked door and begins sitting up the claymore in front of it.]
I'm gonna use it to blow a hole in this damn door, so I can get out of here!
Ron, just...wait a second...
No. I'm being held as a prisoner against my will, and I have the right as a citizen of the United States to blow a hole in that fucking door and walk out as a free man! It's in the Constitution!
There's no cursing in the Constitution. Look, before you do that...
Too late! Here we go! FIRE IN THE HOLE!
[Ron hits the detonator, and instead of exploding, the claymore releases confetti and balloons and begins playing "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow."]
Ooh!
[She grins excitedly and turns to Ron, who looks terrified and confused.]
I gave you that as a gift on your fifth anniversary as Parks Director.
[slowly, voice cracking] You told me...this was a genuine, partially defused claymore mine.
Well, it was! I bought the empty shell off of eBay, and then I filled it, you know, with balloons and confetti and such.
You mean to tell me I have had a toy...on my desk for ten years?
You mean to tell me you thought you've had an actual land mine on your desk?
You left. Then about a month later you took Terry with you.
Yeah, well, we needed a mindless factotum and he's the best there is.
Ron Amen. [pause] Then you took April. I didn't want her to go as she had become one of my closest workplace acquaintances, but your offer was too good to pass up so I didn't try to stop her. Then Tom left to run his business, Donna left to run hers. One day, I looked up, just didn't recognize anyone. So I made a decision. An unthinkable decision.
[flashback to Ron walking into Leslie's office]
Hey! Well, my my my, do my eyes deceive me? Is that Ron Swanson?
Ron Hello, Leslie. Hello, April, Larry.
Uh, it's Terry now.
OK. As luck would have it-
[Leslie is handed a report from a subordinate]
Just a second. Oh, did you talk to Randy about the vote? Tell the northeast that we need to put pressure on them or else we're gonna be waiting forever and I'm tired of waiting on them, OK? [Leslie turns back to Ron] Sorry, this is a crazy day. So what's up with you, you big lug?
Nothing important. Just thought you might want to have lunch. Tomorrow?
I would love to! It's been too long! JJ's Diner, 12:30.
Excellent. See ya then.
OK!
So Randy says the House is voting tomorrow and they need us in Washington to prep.
Oh my God, really?
Yep.
OK, get us the first flight out of here, grab the Missouri files, meet me at my car. [April hands Leslie her cell, with Ben on the line] Hey babe, I gotta go to Washington. Can you pick up the kids?
[cuts back to 2017]
Aw, oh no, Ron. I stood you up for lunch.
You did, yes. I waited for a while but it was pretty easy to figure out what had happened. Your life seemed pretty hectic.
Is that the rest of the story? That I stood you up? [Ron goes silent] You were going to ask me something. That's why you wanted to have lunch. Ron, you were going-?
I was going to ask you for a job. In the federal government. Just saying it out loud feels dirty.
You missed your friends and you wanted to come up to the third floor and work with us again. I can't even imagine how hard that must have been for you. God, why didn't I see that? Ron, I'm so sorry. I should have been a better friend to you.
Honestly, Leslie, it's fine. It was a punctuation mark on a sentence that had already been written. My time in government work was over. Sure, I love shutting things down and bleeding the rotting beast from the inside...
Your metaphors are so beautiful.
...but it was time for me to leave. And I didn't feel like explaining why to you or anyone. Everything that happened after - the fight we had, not giving you a heads up when my company took on the Morningstar development, when I bulldozed the nurse's old house - I do regret that. I had a good run here, but after you and Tom and Donna and April and Terry left, I looked around this office, nothing was the same.
Yeah, well, there's a way to fix that.
[Leslie and Ron spend the rest of the night getting drunk, cleaning the office, and rearranging it to look as it was during their time there]
Why does anybody in the world ever eat anything but breakfast food?
People are idiots, Ron.
Councilman Dexhart represents this district, and ten years ago when he was elected, he promised to clean it up. Instead, he just gave it a fancy new name: Beachview Terrace. A more accurate name for this place? Medical Waste Butt-Sweat Grove.
I'm so sorry. I mostly have my rage problem under control but planning is very stressful. Please avoid my trigger words: flowers, schedule, vows, bride, groom, food, love, happy, church, event, wedding and Craig.
The Meagles are a coldblooded crew of judgmental grudge holders. My cousin Winnie once forgot to use a coaster at my Grandpa's house and he wrote her out of his will. The last four Meagle family pictionary tournaments ended at the hospital. Legally, no more than three Meagles are allowed on an international flight together. But they give great gifts! Gotta get that flatware.
Okay, monsters! Mommy and Daddy have to pack because we are going to a hotel but Roz is gonna stay here with you.
Yeah we are gonna have so much fun! We're gonna play games! We're gonna color! ...Maybe we're even gonna sit quietly for...30 seconds!? [the kids run off] Do you think that I could have 30 seconds!?
[to Ben] She's fading. Roz! Hey! You are a wonderful nanny. You're tough and strong and you're an excellent caretaker for our children.
Yeah every time you come to our house we are so happy to see you.
I love you more than Ben.
...
I do. If Ben left me I would be sad but I would get though it. But if you left me...I would never recover.
[touched] Thanks. That helps.
Things aren't that chaotic.
[running in] All three of them just bumped into each other and broke everything you own!
[loud crash in the background]
I don't know what that was.
GGayle
Oh would you look at that! Sweetie, I think your best friend Tom is giving his lady friend a gift.
You know Gayle gives me a gift each and every day.
GGayle
Oh I got the greatest gift of all, being married to you!
Oh sweetie!
Control yourselves Gergiches!
[One of Leslie and Ben's kids runs by]
Whoa! What was that!? That was huge!
Two of the three kids are showering in their pajamas and most of Ben's ties are in the toilet. Just like as an update of where things are at.
I mean this is chaos.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.