Parks and Recreation · Season 1
Fine! I will tell you the secret. Ben's dog is dying.
Lie.
Ben is dying. He has the same disease Larry has.
...
Leslie is dying-
No.
They're both dying.
No!
I'm dying.
...
Chris and Ann are moving.
They already moved.
They are moving again to China...town in France.
No!
Okay! Fine do you really wanna know?
Yes!
Leslie. Is. A spy.
No.
Tom has something wrong with his butt.
Oh my God.
Okay there's still plenty of ways to raise money for the concert right? Maybe we'll win the lottery. I mean hey you're looking at a woman who just hit triple cherries in her uterus.
We're screwed.
Raising three kids is going to cost three million dollars!
Babe our kids will be geniuses, they'll get scholarships. Half of my tuition was paid for by the Indiana Scholarship for Pretty Blondes Who Like To Read...It's now called the Virginia Wolfe Prize. Different time.
Babe you don't have to hide from me. I don't care about the secret anymore okay? I just thought when we got married we would share everything but if you really can't tell me or whatever it's fine. I trust you.
It's just that it's a really big secret. And for once I wanted to keep my word.
[April shrugs]
But screw it. You're more important than anything. I'm gonna tell you. Cause it's super juicy! You ready?
Okay!
[Leslie & Ben walk in]
Everybody if you could gather around!
[pushing April away] They're here! Don't try to get it out of me!
You're ready?
Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.
Knopey my girl! What up!? I just farted.
Oh Jeremy. I truly thought that I would never have to interact with you again.
I missed you too.
Sure, I'm aligning myself with terrible people but think of all the wonderful people who would benefit from a national park! And you can trust my opinion because I have a lot to gain by being right and I have severe tunnel vision about achieving my goals.
[Joan Callamezzo is being honored by Pawnee]
Joan, on behalf of the entire city, congratulations. I do want to apologize for not being able to accommodate some of your requests. For example, we couldn't get a bottle of Chateau Marmont...because it's a hotel in Los Angeles not a wine.
Well did you at least get Buddy Holly to sing?
No because he's been famously dead for 60 years.
WHAT!?
Round of drinks for everyone on the house!
Yeah! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. And a spaghetti to go. On the house!
[Giving a speech] Thank you Commissioner Gordon, people of Gotham...
Okay, she thinks she's in Batman.
How's that zero dollar bid coming along? You know in my experience with capitalism, people normally expect money in exchange for their goods and land.
In my experience with buttfaces, you are one!
I didn't even get a chance to say my plan!
Your plan? You know who else had a plan?
Please don't say Hitler-
Adolf Hitler!
Ron! What did you do!?
I delivered a flawless presentation and secured tomorrow's vote.
No, you got all sneaky and snuck around and snooked that vote away from me! And I know this because earlier, I sneaked and snooked around and Jammy was supposed to vote for me! The snooker has become the snorked!
So this is where you want to eat lunch? In a steakhouse? Don't you have irritable bowel syndrome? God I hate that I know that.
Yeah it's murder on the old plumbing but Tammy only wants me to eat steak and whiskey. She has my stool analyzed just to keep me honest.
I don't think this relationship is that healthy...I mean, it seems like Tammy is trying to turn you into Ron, and you're Jeremy Jamm! Come on! You love Porsches and spiked iced tea and you have a Hooters platinum card.
Yeah Tammy doesn't really let me do that stuff anymore but you know it's good you know!? I'm better now. I mean sure I'm depressed...and constantly sick...and nothing really brings me joy but it just feels right!
[Jamm breaks down crying]
Oh God!
Oh boy...
Oh help me Knope! I used to be so great! Remember everybody thought so!
Well...
[Crying] Oh God! Oh God!
Wow! This is worse than I thought! You're broken! She has broken you! You need to get away from her!
[Jamm pulls some of his hair out]
Oh God whoa hey! Look at that more hair came out!
[Jamm starts laughing and crying hysterically]
Okay we're gonna do some scenes and demonstrate ways that you can resist Tammy. I will play Tammy, Ron will play you. [Imitating Tammy's Voice] Hey there horsey, time to mount up and ride on in to boner town. What do you say we get stanky in that pet store bathroom huh Jamm? Hmm? Huh?
[whispering] Do it!
There will be no sex today Tammy. Instead why don't you go into the pet store and feed yourself to the snakes. To Hell with you woman! Goodbye!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
