Parks and Recreation · Season 1
Ms. Swanson, do you - as you claimed - have evidence that links Leslie Knope and Ben Wyatt to law-breaking?
Absolutely. I have several photographs that will definitively prove...
May I remind you that you are under oath and if you lie I will fire you and have you prosecuted.
Nothing! They will definitively prove nothing. Oh, you cut me off. I don't have any evidence! Oh Chris, so silly. OK bye, guys! Leslie, have fun with this trial. Yay!
Your campaign advisors quit. Big deal. You're running for city council again, Leslie. With our help.
April Ludgate. Youth Outreach and Director of New Media.
Tom Haverford. Image Consultant, Swagger Coach.
Ann Perkins. Office Manager and Volunteer Coordinator.
Andy Dwyer. Security, Sweets, Body Man, Javelin, if need be.
Donna Meagle. Transpo', AKA rides in my Benz.
Wh...You guys didn't tell me we were doing this. I did not know I was supposed to come up with something. I...
Ron Swanson. Any other damn thing you might need.
Guys, it's so much work. I can't ask you to put your lives on hold.
Find one person here who you haven't helped by putting your life on hold.
[choked up] I don't know what to say...except let's go win an election!
Welcome, Mr. Saperstein.
Thanks so much!
I will just show you to your cubicle.
I can't wait. I bet it's a big one, huh Barney?
The temp agency said that you are fluent in QuickBooks Pro, correct?
Oh right yeah, we should cover that. Y'see, my resume might not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about. Don't know what QuickBooks are.
You don't have any accounting experience?
No, no, no, Barney, c'mon. But you don't have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a 10. Yo, what up, Diaz? Come here often?
To my job?
Oh, sharp mouth on her also. Shut it.
Is this the new temp who's supposed to help me with the spreadsheets?
You wanna talk about spreading the sheets, we can go back to my place and I will rock your—
You're fired!
That makes sense. So I just go out the same way I came in?
Leslie, I don't know the first thing about running a political campaign.
Ann, you beautiful tropical fish. You're smart as a whip and you're cool under pressure. You've resuscitated a human heart in your bare hands!
No I haven't.
You haven't!?
No!
You will. You're that good of a nurse.
Ann don't listen to your head or your heart. Just look at my eyes and say yes.
Okay yes!
Yes! I believe in you Ann.
Thank you.
And your first job as my campaign manager is to start dressing like one. I don't wanna have this conversation again.
Again? You just hired me eight seconds ago.
Wow you're doing a really bad job.
William, Elizabeth!
Leslie, hi.
Hi. What are you...are you coming to see me? Did you hear that I'm relaunching my campaign?
Actually, no sorry we weren't here to see you. We've been meeting with other potential candidates for City Council.
Oh really? So my campaign ends and just like that you find someone else and run theirs?
Yes that's our job.
...I know. Good luck! But I just had a big meeting with my new advisory board and they're brilliant and amazing! They're real killers.
Leslie! I tried to make ramen in the coffee pot and I broke everything.
...Thank you Andy! I'll be right in.
Well uh, good luck Leslie. Honestly.
[William and Elizabeth start walking away]
Well we don't need luck....We are a rocket ship...We're relaunching and we're gonna blast past your candid-and they're gone.
It's true. I no longer have highly trained, professional campaign managers. So what? Are most murders committed by highly trained, professional assassins? No, they're committed by friends and coworkers! ...That analogy was way better in my head.
[Andy and April Introduce Ben to Champion]
That is a three-legged dog.
His name is Champion cause he's the dog world's champion.
Okay I have to ask this, I'm sorry but how many legs did that dog have when you found him?
Three! That what makes him the best! He can do more with three legs than most dogs can do with four.
Except for digging! He's really bad a digging.
And we remembered what you said about making decisions in the house. You wanna be involved, we get that. So, you just say the word and Champion goes back to the pound where he can be put down and killed forever.
...I'm not gonna send a three-legged dog to his death.
Yes!
But I'm also not gonna take care of him for you.
Well it would be nice if you helped a little. Because unlike you, Andy and I have jobs.
...Cruel but fair.
You look like a real campaign manager.
Thanks that's because I googled campaign manager and noticed that they wear a lot of dark colors.
See there's more things to look at on the internet besides naked guys Ann.
...What?
Is there even enough room for everyone?
Here sit on my lap.
No that's humiliating! Can't I at least sit on Andy's lap?
No that's Champion's spot, he called it.
Tom we're already late. Now be a man and sit on that girl's lap.
Yes sir.
Let's not talk about dunking anymore. Let's talk about what you wanna do.
Okay.
I think you wanna dunk.
I'm not gonna dunk the ball.
What about a layup?
Officer I've been operating heavy machinery since I was eight years old. Now I respect you and your service to this town and your country, but what laws are we breaking exactly?
Well you got four people in the front seat. Nobody's wearing a seat belt. You were speeding and blasting your horn through the hospital zone. The rear of the vehicle's open. Debris' been falling out. And you don't have a commercial license to drive a truck.
Okay well you and I have a philosophical difference on what constitutes a law.
Glenn you're killing me.
They broke about 50 laws Knope! And that girl, she tried to get that gimp dog to bite me.
Look I could sit here and fill out all the paperwork but you and I both know that you'd rather go home to Debra, eat a nice home-cooked meal and do what comes naturally.
That's not appropriate...
Ron how's the stage coming?
Well, since we had to jettison the bulk of the wood, this is the biggest I could make it. [presents tiny stage]
Oh my God. [notices her trimmed down banner] Good lord! What happened to the rest of my face!?
We had to jetsons most of the poster too but I kinda like it cause windows are the eyes to the house.
Jerry you were in charge of getting a crowd. Please tell me that you pulled a Jerry and no-one's here.
Okay well first of all, I don't like it when you guys use that term. And for the record, I came through. There are almost 100 people out there!
Oh damn it Jerry! You just had to do your job didn't you?!
Yeah can't you do anything wrong Jerry?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
