TV show quotes
Can someone get me one of those lunch stacks!? And stack em for me this time! Cheese on top or no one gets paid!
You got it Chip!
Ugh my dad is such an idiot.
...
Here you go Chip.
Oh look at that, the cheese is on top...of turkey! You dick! I want ham!
Sorry son they were out of ham.
Alright well maybe I should just let mom be manager then?
[throws plate at his Dad]
Pick em up skip.
[whispering to Leslie] Ewwww! This guy's the worst! I mean it sucks that they didn't have ham but you can't treat your dad like that!
[whispering to Andy] I know, he's a monster! But we need him.
Your job's not that hard okay just anticipate my needs!
Anticipating Chip!
Of the 25 entrants today, only one has deemed himself worthy of a Sommelier Certificate.
Oh my God are you sure!? No way! Oh my God thank you! Thank you so much everyone! I think we can agree that all wine tastes the same and if you spend more than five dollars on wine you are very stupid.
Security!
[security begins to escort April out]
I just wanna thank all the people that got me here. Norbit. Uhh Pluto Nash. All the Klumps...
Well hello gentlemen! What brings you out on this fine evening?
Motherfucker!
Whoa where'd you come from?
Well that's a complicated question. All depends on whether your conception of time is linear or circular.
...What?
Hello Ron.
Ron, you know this hobo?
He was my counterpart from the Eagleton Parks Department.
Dude, are you a ghost?
Am I?
...What is happening right now!?!
You're crazy! This is over! Okay!? Pawnee does not need you and you should know that when you shook my hand earlier there was pee on my palms! ...That makes us sound like hicks. We're not. Shut Up! Stupid! Okay! Let's go Andy!
Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.
I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!
How are we gonna convince this guy to reunite Land Ho?
Same way I got a perfect score on the SATs. Broken scantron machine.
[April, Tom and Donna are testing Craig]
Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?
Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red.
You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with your fish.
No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.
I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around please.
...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out]
Seems to be keeping it together
[from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!
[Craig comes back with the wine]
For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white.
Thanks very much!
Enjoy. [walks out]
I think I might have found my new sommelier.
[from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!
I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof.
So, what do we got so far? We need big ticket items.
I got the Red Hot Chili Peppers to send us a signed guitar.
That's great April! How'd you do that!?
It's a long story but the short version is I'm currently catfishing Anthony Kiedis.
We are throwing a charity auction to raise money for the unity concert. And we're gonna need it too...if I'm gonna perform Islands In The Stream with a Sacagawea hologram...Plus, we need lights, generators, microphones, water, that boring stuff too.
I am not good at keeping secrets! That's exactly what I told Kyle when he told me his wife was cheating on him.
ANDY! COME ON!
Ah! See!
Not cool man!
Not him! Not that Kyle!
You wanted to see me?
Yes. I need to ask you for a...favor.
WHAT!? Ron Swanson asking for help!?
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN WOMAN!
[Leslie is getting an ultrasound]
Alright let's see what's going down in baby town! There's your healthy baby!
Oh wow.
Oh! And there's another one!
The baby has two bodies?
Twins! Ben we're having twins!
No you're not. Cause look who's hiding over here.
...Triplets!? Triplets!?
And here's a fourth! I'm so sorry it's a little fleck of cream cheese on the screen. Just triplets! Wow. You guys really dodged a bullet. Can you imagine raising four children at the same time? A nightmare!
Triplets...
Triplets...
I can't believe it! We knocked it out of the park on the first try! If we play this right, we can be parents to one-third of the Supreme Court!
This is insane.
This is amazing! I always knew we were one in a million and now we got the proof!
Well actually one in 8,000. Triplets occur a lot more frequently then you imagine, especially at your age. Your body is prone to releasing multiple eggs. It's what we doctors like to call - and I don't mean to be insensitive - a "Going Out of Business Sale."
[to the camera] This is insane. Three kids?! I just multiplied all our future expenses by three, and you know what happened? The numbers got a lot higher. I think I heard the computer laugh at me. And Saperstein wants us to RELAX?!
[Leslie enters]
Are you ready to go, my gentle dove?
Oh, I will be there in two flaps of a butterfly's wing. And I love you.
[Leslie exits]
[to the camera] We are so fucking screwed.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Parks and Recreation pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
