Tom Haverford quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

Oh good you guys are here! Okay, everybody gather around, I have a big announcement. I'm officially seeking re-election to the Pawnee City Council. I am gonna be running for Dexhart's seat and the campaign starts now.

...

Leslie

Oh, I love the sound of silence before a big cheer. That's what's happening? Right?

Tom

Leslie, no offense, I've heard a lot of bad ideas today. This is the worst.

Leslie

April?

April

I would love it if you ran an insane campaign and basically turned into the Joker...but that means you probably shouldn't do it.

Leslie

Andy?

Andy

I don't know Leslie, it seems risky. And I'd hate to see you go through another tough fight. But I could be wrong, I haven't pooped in three days.

Leslie

Okay Ron, you have always given me sage counsel, and your words carry great influence so what do you think I should do?

Ron

I do not think that you should run again.

Leslie

What the Hell do you know dum-dum!?

Ben

You may be old, but you'll never be as old as me.

Tom

Yeah. You're old as shit! Thanks Ben.

Ben

Glad I could help.

Tom

Look man, you know your stuff but you're like a crazy volcano. You'd have to show me you can bring it down a notch.

Craig

I'll bring it down a THOUSAND NOTCHES IF I HAVE TO!

Craig

Good evening. May I assist you with a wine tonight?

Tom

Yeah I'm having fish so maybe a full-bodied red.

Craig

You know sir you might want to consider something white to go with your fish.

Donna

No, red! And bring some ice cubes. I like ice cubes in my red wine.

April

I'll have a glass of your most expensive red wine mixed with a glass of your cheapest white wine served in a dog bowl. Silly straws all around please.

Craig

...I'll be right back with my recommendations. [walks out]

Tom

Seems to be keeping it together

Craig

[from the other room] WHAT KIND OF MONSTER ORDERS RED WITH FISH!? I KNOW THEY'RE MESSING WITH ME AND IT'S JUST A TEST BUT HAVE SOME DECENCY!

Craig

For you sir, a light crisp Pinot with just a hint of lemon to bring out the flavors of your fish. [to Donna] I brought you a bold Cabernet which should still taste okay when watered down. [to April] And for you madam would you consider this Rose, it's halfway between red and white.

Tom

Thanks very much!

Craig

Enjoy. [walks out]

Tom

I think I might have found my new sommelier.

Craig

[from the other room] THAT WAS SO EMBARRASSING!

Tom

I'll have to make sure the wine cellar at Tom's bistro is sound proof.

Tom

Round of drinks for everyone on the house!

Andy

Yeah! Oh let me also get a chicken parm and a lasagna on the side. And a spaghetti to go. On the house!