Leslie Knope quotes from Parks and Recreation

Leslie

Alert! Alert ! Alert! Alert!

Ron

She's here isn't she?

Tammy Two

Oh hey Ron! What a coincidence! Gosh I never dreamed you'd be here!

Ron

Tammy, this is Diane. Diane this is a piece of human garbage named Tammy who is also my ex-wife.

Tammy Two

Twice ex-wife! We were married twice.

Leslie

And divorced twice! Everything is done, they're totally done! Tammy! What are you doing here?

Tammy Two

Oh I just have a little something I need to get drilled.

Tammy Two

Oh my gosh what a coinkidinky! Look we're sitting at the same table!

Leslie

Tammy, this table is reserved.

Tammy Two

A guy traded me his seat for a peek and a squeeze. That's my boob and my butt respectively. Remember that Ron?

Subtle.

April

You know what? I think men are better than women.

Leslie

She's kidding

April

No I'm not. they provide for us and we must obey them because they are our masters.

Leslie

April. Stop it!

April

Leslie, you'll never land a beau with that domineering tone.

Leslie

Woo! April let's finish up! We have some stereotypes to overcome.

April

And some privacy to violate!

Leslie

Yeah!

April

Woo!

Leslie

...Wait no.

Ron

Bakery called this in. It needs to go on that truck right there.

Leslie

Well easy, breezy, beautiful...that's a Covergirl slogan, I didn't mean to say that.

Leslie

Damnit, Jamm. I should have had animal control kill you.

Huh.. Who do you want me to kill...I'll kill them.

Leslie

How did you get the word out?

Ben

Well, Ron went on Joan's show and kicked ass.

Ron

I also helped a child perform a tracheotomy on his elderly uncle. It's been a very rewarding day.

Leslie

Hello, Orin. Thank you so much for applying, now leave.

April

Hey, give him a chance. [to Orin] What makes you qualified for animal control?

I studied zoology in college, and I can control animals with my mind.

Leslie

Get out.

I made you say that. [gets up and leaves]

Chris

I liked him.

Leslie

April, I got a present for you. [holding a basket full of lotion bottles]

April

I don't like lotion. I like my hands to be cracked and calloused like a railway worker.

Leslie

I know. I filled the bottles with fake blood, vinegar, and mud.

April

[smiles] Really? Thanks.

Ron

I'd invite you for a drink, but where would we find one here?

Leslie

Are you kidding? This is London. There's a pub over there, there's a pub over there, and there's a pub between those two butcher shops.

Ron

Let's go to that one, but we'll be stopping by those two butcher shops first.

Leslie

There are two Eagleton departments Pawnee does not have: The Department of Infinity Pool Design and the Department of Dressage, which I'm told is a fancy horse riding thing.

It is horse dancing madam!

Leslie

Okay take it easy Alonso. All you horse dancing people sit in your saddles if you will. The rest of you welcome to your new departments!

April

Attention! Eagleton is now under martial law!

Leslie

No!

Leslie

I also have a little surprise. I'd like to introduce our new filing temp...

Jerry

[walking in] Hey everybody!

April

NOOOOO!

Tom

Noooo! Why!? This can't be happening!

Ron

Why Leslie!?

Leslie

Hey this is a surprise!

Ann

Yeah I just wanted to chat for a sec, you know just so you could hear some things from me. Verbal things from my mouth. Did that sound weird?

Leslie

Is everything okay?

Ann

Yeah everything's fine! First of all, this is Evelyn.

Leslie

Oh hello!

Ann

She is my Health Department counterpart from Eagleton.

There really wasn't a ton of work for me there. Eagletonians are very healthy.

Leslie

Oh well this might be a very interesting challenge for you because Pawnee has the very first documented case of Mega Diabetes. And the only known occurrence of Lou Gehrig's other disease. We've been written about in textbooks.

Ann

Thanks Evelyn I'll see you back in my office. I just need to talk some more words into Leslie's face.

Leslie

Wow I feel sorry for her. I mean nobody can fill your shoes Ann, with your tiny little doll feet.

Ann

Yeah actually that's what I wanted to talk to you about. I uh...I'm gonna step down and I'm gonna turn my job over to Evelyn.

Leslie

What!? No! Did somebody put you up to this? Was it Evelyn? I knew she was a monster!

Leslie

Sorry for the delay ladies, I was busy being ambushed by treachery. So did you get a chance to compare notes on your respective duties?

April

[still talking like Tynnyfer] Totally! Tynny and I have been like totally bonding. We've just been like blah blah blah blah blah like talking like so much forever!

It's all so delicious!

April

I know right!?

This is like the best day ever!

April

I know I'm eating it all up!

Leslie

Wow. It's nice to see a friendship blossoming instead of...wilting away like a...dying turd flower...

April

Totes! We also came up with these nicknames for each other. Slut!

And Skank!

April

How crazmazing is that Les!?