Joe Caputo quotes from Orange Is the New Black

Joe Caputo

Forgive me for questioning the no doubt pristine reputation of Prison Poon, but how do we know for sure that it came out of here?

Joe Caputo

Christ, he's probably got the Obamas on the phone by now.

Joe Caputo

You ever seen an image that sears itself into your brain? Like the movie about the hiker guy, where he cuts off his own arm with a Swiss Army knife? Yeah, the sound, the tendons! Fuck! I wish I never watched that part. You know what tops that for me? You know what image I can't unsee, it's still stuck in there, flickering at least once a day, making me want to lose my lunch?

No, sir.

Joe Caputo

Your bare ass, Mendez. Your pimply, white ass, bouncing up and down between the brooms and the mops, ramming into that poor girl. A girl you were supposed to protect and keep safe. Your ass, it haunts me.

I'm sorry to hear that, sir.

Joe Caputo

I've been doing this kind of work 25 years. And it's guys like you that give the whole profession a bad name. If it was up to me, you'd never set foot on this property again. But considering the DOC didn't press charges, it was your word against mine... until now.

Well, I've been doing my job, sir. Just gave out 15 shots this morning.

Joe Caputo

You got her pregnant.

No.

Joe Caputo

Sadly for her, yes. That poor girl is carrying around a sadistic little mustachioed shit inside her.

Whoa.

Joe Caputo

Mendez, you're fucking fired.

Joe Caputo

Mmm, this shameful sexual violation is really working out for you, isn't it?

I am just happy that we have helped to start a dialogue.

Joe Caputo

Now, what'd you hear?

Berdie Rogers

That you got caught in a shit-storm, but you put up a sturdy umbrella.

Joe Caputo

Yeah, well, it's starting to leak. Now I'm doing Madame Shit-Storm's job, along with doing my old job, which the powers-that-be have yet to fill.[sighs] I'm doin' two jobs.

Berdie Rogers

Do you resent that the administration hired me before finding a replacement for your old job?

Joe Caputo

Are you analyzin' me?

Berdie Rogers

No. I just don't want any shade without having been given a shot.

Joe Caputo

My beef's not with you.

Berdie Rogers

What'd you hear about me?

Joe Caputo

That you're smart and you're qualified and you said yes.

Berdie Rogers

Does my saying yes maybe cancel out the smart part?

Joe Caputo

How's this? Welcome to Litchfield, where your services are needed in both the counseling and hair removal arenas. These are complicated ladies in a complicated place.

Joe Caputo

I read over that test. Where did you come up with that?

Oh, I just, uh, pulled that off the Internet.

Joe Caputo

Some kind of new assessment technique?

Um, it was, like, a... personality quiz or something. I don't even know. We didn't even read 'em. Jones just pulled 40 out of a pile randomly and those were the winners.

Joe Caputo

That's your system? Random selection?

My system is to make the ladies think that there is a system so they don't hate us for not getting the job, they're mad at themselves for not having what it takes.

Joe Caputo

But you reviewed the files of the women you selected, right? I mean, made sure there were no risks in that job placement?

We'll have COs on post. We've had a lot of success with this model.

Joe Caputo

I have to tell you that our model for not allowing violent criminals to work with sharp tools or arsonists in the kitchen hasn't been so bad either.

You're right. No, I totally get it. You're right. I think what we'll do is we'll send you the list, and then if there are any red flags, you can send those back to us and we'll adjust accordingly. Good thinking, Caputo. Thanks a lot. I feel really lucky you're here.

Joe Caputo

I wouldn't have thought Ford was your type.

He's not my type. He's just a beautiful man. It's empirical.

Pearson quit? You have the chance for a promotion, and you're going limp?

Joe Caputo

Even if I wanted his job, and I don't, it's a lateral move.

A lateral move with more pay?

Joe Caputo

Yes. It's a promotion. But I'm not gonna capitalize on Burset. I'm gonna fight for her.

Why?

Joe Caputo

Because I wear protection, so I haven't caught whatever form of syphilis you have that caused your soul to rot.