Alex Vause quotes from Orange Is the New Black

Alex Vause

So Wanda Bell? You might remember her as the blood-sucking dragon cunt? She works up front, eats souls for fun?

Alex Vause

Piper loves tequila. What? Afraid I'll tell them the pork chop story?

Now this is fucking weird. I have a pork chop story, too. You go first.

Chapman is a Judas Iscariot cozied on up to the High Priest Healy. And he throws out my vote. My votes that were bestowed upon me from my Lord and gives her all the silver?!

Alex Vause

So in this analogy, you're Jesus Christ?

I've been betrayed.

… and you're not invited because they don't allow gay people on the rapture bus!

Alex Vause

There's a bus? Are all the seats already taken by Appalacian meth-heads?

Berdie Rogers

Look, Vause, I get it. I get the anger. When a country has more inmates than teachers or engineers, we are living in a fucked up society. Prison is bullshit.

Alex Vause

[chuckling] Then why work in one?

Berdie Rogers

Because I think there are people here with potential that's being squandered - and I wanna make a -

Alex Vause

Oh, you wanna make a difference? Yeah, I get it. You're one of the good guys. But guess what. We all think we're good guys. I used to work for a drug dealer who wouldn't hesitate to put a bullet in your head if you crossed him, or if you stopped being useful to him, but in his mind, he's still a good guy. [laughing] Heroin Robin Hood because he cut out the Mexican cartels and passed on the savings to the consumer, and he never cut his shit with brick dust. And you're not just another shill taking a paycheck from an evil system of oppression, 'cause you're fighting it from the inside with drama class. Fine. Whatever you need to tell yourself to get by. But excuse me if I don't want to spend my precious time catering to the delusion that you're making a difference. I have my own quilt of lies to sew.

Berdie Rogers

That is a great speech. Now, I would love to hear you give it again in drama class.

Piper Chapman

... because it is... so .. good to see you... customer ...Would you maybe like another piece of fruit... it's a persimmon.

Uh-Uh That's a dick [everybody laughs].

Alex Vause

You know i have a thing for soft fruits.

Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow. [everybody cheers and claps]

Alex Vause

[watching Piper climb up her bunk] Need a little help there?

Piper Chapman

Nope. I've got it, thank you. I called you my girlfriend.

Alex Vause

What? To who?

Piper Chapman

To my parents, and my brother, and my brother's wife.

Alex Vause

[lets out a long exhale] That's a bold move, Chapman.

Piper Chapman

I know. I didn't even mean to say it, but it just... It just came out. And now... Now I can't stop thinking about it.

Alex Vause

[sarcastically] Do you wanna pass me a note and have me circle yes or no?

Piper Chapman

[embarrassed] I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend...

Alex Vause

Oh no?

Piper Chapman

No, definitely not! I just thought... I thought that it was weird.

Alex Vause

Totally weird. [pauses] You know, the Quran is turning out to be more interesting than I would've guessed. Technically, I'm not supposed to be touching it, but I did wash my hands. So, I decided that Allah would be cool with it.

Piper Chapman

Will you be my girlfriend?

Alex Vause

[bursts out laughing] Yeah.

Piper Chapman

Yes!?

Alex Vause

Yes, you idiot!

Piper Chapman

[to the rest of the cell] She said yes.

Good for you, hun.

Sister Jane Ingalls

Mazel tov.

Piper Chapman

It's a prison phenomenon. It's like when you think you've seen everyone, you suddenly notice that there's a girl with a port wine birthmark on her face that has been working with you in electrical since you got here and you'd never seen her before.

Alex Vause

No, that phenomenon is called self-absorbed.

Next.

Alex Vause

Ivory soap, Colgate, Diet Coke.

Bad choice. Aspartame invented by Donald Rumsfeld in the '80s. Mind control.

That's true.

Alex Vause

Seriously? You, too?

Did you know that Monsanto gave Donald Rumsfeld $12 million for aspartame in 1985?

Yes.

All right, we should talk.