Sam Healy quotes from Orange Is the New Black

Sam Healy

[to Piper] No one's gonna mess with you here unless you let them. This isn't Oz. Women fight with gossip and rumors.

Sam Healy

Lesbians can be very dangerous. It's the testosterone.

Sam Healy

Behind every strong man is a strong cunt-faced bitch monster.

Sam Healy

You know what you get when you try around here? Not much.

Piper Chapman

Are you planning a vacation?

Sam Healy

If I were, it would be somewhere you drink rum out of a mini volcano.

Sam Healy

Another holiday. Can you believe this?

I can, because I have eyes. And a calendar. Healy, if you ever call an inmate's family again with your lesbian witch hunt shit, I will destroy you, your mail order bride will leave you, and you will never work again. Get some fucking therapy, man.

Sam Healy

The doctor recommends a bilateral salpingo-oopherectomy.

Miss Rosa

Who doesn't love a surgery with 'ooph' in it?

No offense, but, uh, men being in charge has never done me any good.

Sam Healy

Well, are you eating free cookies?

Yes.

Sam Healy

You should think about that before you get ideas.

I need to add my lawyer to my visitation list.

Sam Healy

You having problems with your case?

No. And please take my husband off my list.

Sam Healy

[gesturing to the seat in front of him] Why don't you have a seat, Red?

I won't be staying. But thank you.

Sam Healy

Please... Sit. [annoyed, she does so] You want to tell me what's going on?

I married a pillow. Soft, lumpy, and always lying behind my back.

Sam Healy

Words like "always" are absolutes. And using them is a way to reinforce what we wanna believe. When speaking emotionally, absolutes can be dangerous.

Good advice. Thank you. Please add my lawyer and remove my husband.

Sam Healy

You know, Red... Marriage is a two-way street.

And you can't swim without getting wet. See, I can say cliches too. Ha!

Sam Healy

You owe it to your younger self to explore those things that made you wanna marry this man in the first place. You may find that they're still there.

I owe my younger self 23 years of wild sex with multiple partners. But I'll settle for my name back.

Sam Healy

You made a lifelong commitment. That's sacred.

You don't know my story, Healy, and you don't know what he's done. [In Russian] Cocksucker.

Sam Healy

[in a sharp tone, startling her] Hey! Language! [angrily] I know what that word means, and it's not okay to refer to your husband, or any other man that way. [as she stares at him in shock, he rises from his seat] You know, you huff in here... Like some put-upon martyr... Like a smile would break your face, trivialising a man's emotions. What is that? Some kind of a Russian thing or something?

What the hell does that -?

Sam Healy

Hey! Language! Again! That's the last time I'm gonna warn you, Mrs. Reznikov. [comes round to the front of his desk] You forget where you are... Just like you forget that your husband has a stake in this too? Just because he made some mistakes doesn't mean you can run off and go sleep in your mother's room at the first sign of white caps on the ocean!

[in Russian] All he wants is for you to be happy.

Sam Healy

I don't know why, but we've lost the feeling we had in the beginning.

[in broken English] We never have real feeling at beginning, because you're not the man you say to me on Internet. You catfish.

Sam Healy

[confused] Catfish?

[in Russian] I thought he was a real psychologist. I thought we'd go to the museums, the opera. I thought he'd be funny. He seemed funny online when he could edit himself.

[unimpressed] Mmmm... [Healy looks at her for a translation] Um... You're not a real psychologist. You don't go to the opera and you're not funny.

[in Russian] He yells at me.

And you yell.

And drool. Every morning, the sheets are soaked like a small child has peed the bed, but from his face.

[in English] It's... [sighs] It doesn't translate.

Sam Healy

Look, I have not been perfect. But there's nothing wrong between us that we can't work through together.

[in English] No, it is too late. I deserve better man than you, Sam.

[fed up] Oh, give me a fucking break. Deserve? Deserve!? You're a mail-order bride.

I'm not a mail-order bride.

[in Russian] Whatever. You "made an arrangement," and he's holding up his end of it. And you're the type who wants the world to be perfect, but you're not willing to lift a finger to help it along. He's not the man you thought he'd be because the man you thought he'd be doesn't exist. This is what a good man looks like. [loudly, in English] So what if he drools a small pond? He takes care of you, doesn't he? He takes care of your mother, and he's handsome, and he's good. And at least he's fucking trying, which is a lot more than I can say for you!

Berdie Rogers

What exactly is your real issue? See I can't quite pin down whether you're a misogynist, or a racist, or a winning combination of the two.

Sam Healy

You foster inappropriate relationships, you walk around here like you own the place. You come in here every week with a different hairstyle, and your class is a festering incubator of deviance!

Berdie Rogers

You're a vengeful little man, aren't you? But I'll be back. Because I am good at what I do.

Young love: they have no idea what they're in for.

Sam Healy

It doesn't always end badly.

Oh, said the man whose wife sleeps in her mother's bed to the prisoner whose brand-new divorce certificate is her most prized possession.

Sam Healy

You gotta believe in something. Why not love?

Because "happily ever after" was invented for the storybooks, so kids reach breeding age without killing themselves.

Sam Healy

So, love is the lie we tell ourselves so we don't go extinct? That's pretty bleak, Red, even for you.

Oh, and you caught me on a glass-half-full day.

Sam Healy

So, you don't think there's someone out there you're meant to be with?

Of course I do. Everybody has a soul mate. But they're usually on the other side of the bars, or the wall, or the planet from you. That's the way the universe works.

Sam Healy

You're not gonna be in prison forever. You got a future to think about.

Our ships passed too late in the night for one of them to change course, Sam.