Tiffany Doggett quotes from Orange Is the New Black

She disrespected me. Now I'm gonna have to kill her.

[to Chapman] You're the devil, and I'm the angel of God. I mean, look at my dress!

Cause if I'm Hillary Clinton, then y'all must be some sister-wife, tweaker, Slurpee-drinking, fourth-grade reading level, daddy-on-Cops trailer trash nothing.

You and that Pope's bitch are running the place.

Sister Jane Ingalls

I like to think of myself as more of the Pope's homie.

God's angry that there's an abomination in the church, and if we don't get rid of "it," it's just gonna keep on happening.

All right, you listen to me. You are not an agent of God, okay? God can do so much better than you. You must know that, right? Jesus Christ, how did you survive infancy?

My auntie helped my mama--

That's a rhetorical question! Do you not understand what a fucking rhetorical question is?

Chapman is a Judas Iscariot cozied on up to the High Priest Healy. And he throws out my vote. My votes that were bestowed upon me from my Lord and gives her all the silver?!

Alex Vause

So in this analogy, you're Jesus Christ?

I've been betrayed.

… and you're not invited because they don't allow gay people on the rapture bus!

Alex Vause

There's a bus? Are all the seats already taken by Appalacian meth-heads?

Do you realize that you almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to me. A joke didn't write me letters up in here, and a joke didn't give me hope so I could do my time and make something out of it. What do you believe in?

Piper Chapman

Well, I've always thought that agnostic was sort of a cop-out. But you know, if I had to label it, I'd say that I'm a secular humanist. Which is not to say I'm not spiritual -

You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop. You believe in Hussein Obama? Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat at restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is Him.

Hey, what y'all playing?

Nothing.

A game as old as time.

Oh yeah? What's it called?

Exclusion.

Cool. How d'you play it?

No offense, but, uh, men being in charge has never done me any good.

Sam Healy

Well, are you eating free cookies?

Yes.

Sam Healy

You should think about that before you get ideas.

How's this whole "agenda" thing work?

I got a lot of those. Specify.

The gay agenda to take over the world?

Okay. First of all, keep your voice down. This shit is top secret.

Are you gonna let all the men die out?

Oh, fuck, no, we need slaves. You know, bookkeeping, janitorial, fetch and carry, that kind of shit.

Yeah, what about for sex? 'Cause I know I like how they smell kind of funky and they're big and they have dicks and all that.

Well, maybe, but when you're done, you gotta toss 'em away like trash. I mean, the whole point of this is chicks digging each other and being in charge.

Let's say I wanna join, right?

Okay, let's say that. Shh.

Would I have to do anything disgusting against the word of God? You know? I'm talking about eating pussy, if you catch my drift.

Yeah, I hear you. And that is a big part of it, I'm not gonna lie. But since you have these religious convictions, eh, we can probably give you an exemption. I mean, we're not unreasonable.

[to Brook] You know, I can take care of myself, Ching Chong China doll!

She's Japanese-Scottish, you ignorant dumbass.

You ever read a book called Freakonomics?

No. What's it about, bearded ladies and midgets?

Close. It's about economic theory, cause and effect.

Sounds boring.

Mmm. It's actually a pretty good read. They have this chapter in it, "Where Have All the Criminals Gone?"

Over there in that field.

[chuckles] You know, in the 1990s, crime fell spectacularly, and this book attributes that to the passing of Roe v. Wade.

The Darkness of '73.

The exact opposite, actually. I mean, the abortions that occurred after Roe v. Wade? These were children that weren't wanted. Children who, if their mothers had been forced to have them, would've grown up poor and neglected and abused, the three most important ingredients when one is making a felon. But they were never born. So, 20 years later, when they would've been of prime crime age, they weren't there. And the crime rate [scoffs] Dropped dramatically.

What's your point?

Well, my point is that you were a meth-head, white-trash piece of shit, and your children, had they been born, would have been meth-head, white-trash pieces of shit. So by terminating those pregnancies, you spared society the scourge of your offspring. I mean, when you think about it, it's a blessing.

Never thought about it that way.

Well, maybe you should, hmm? Maybe you should stop punishing yourself. I mean, what does a good mother do? A good mother does what's best for her children. And maybe what was best for your children was wipin' 'em out before they had to lead miserable fucking lives.

Sophia Burset

Okay, all finished.

Show me my big beautiful self.

Lorna Morello

[putting the finishing touches on her makeup] Okay, almost there. Just hold on, all right?

All right.

Lorna Morello

There... We... Go... Oh, I love this part. This is like that TV show where they gave those ladies the... the plastic surgery makeover, and then all their problems just went away after.

Sophia Burset

Okay, here we go...

Lorna Morello

[screaming] I'm so sorry, I can't help it. I just love makeovers, and you look so pretty.

Boo, you look fucking weird. [they look at her in annoyance] What, she does.

[her eyes filling with tears] No, um... I look like my mother.

[To Pennsatucky, dropping a big armful of sweets and chips onto her bed] There you go.

What's all that for?

Well, I, uh... I want you to go down on me

Hell no, that's disgusting.

Yeah, but I'm feeling horny, so I'm buying you. Look, there's some M&M's in there. So let's go. Get me off.

That's not funny.

I'm not joking. You're for sale, and I'm purchasing her services. Just, you know, check out, go to your happy place. I'll be quick.

[softly] Stop that.

[becoming louder and more aggressive] And maybe I'll sodomise you while I"m at it. You know, stick a hairbrush up your ass. Hold you down, pull your hair, maybe bite your neck. Wouldn't that be fun? You might like that. Why don't you try it, huh? Why don't you try that? Just let me have my fucking way with you. Hey, I could tie you up. We could maybe use your fucking T-shirt as a gag, huh?

[loudly] Will you stop it!?

I'm gonna do whatever I fucking want to you, and you're gonna lie there and you're gonna take it. Because that's the way this works, isn't it? Isn't that it!?

[breaking down in tears] Stop that. [sobs] Stop it. [she rests her head in her hands. Referring to Charlie "Donuts" Coates, the prison guard who regularly rapes her] I wanted to stop... I wanted to stop so bad, I wanted him to stop.

Good. Cause we're gonna get that motherfucker. [she takes Pennsatucky into her arms and holds her] Come on. It's okay.