Piper Chapman quotes from Orange Is the New Black

Piper Chapman

Are you planning a vacation?

Sam Healy

If I were, it would be somewhere you drink rum out of a mini volcano.

No Thanksgiving suicides! Chapman, what are we not to do on this day of thanks?

Piper Chapman

Commit suicide?

Exactly.

Piper Chapman

What's your name again?

Dina.

Piper Chapman

Dina. That's a pretty name. You know, I could tell you a lot of things that would scare you, Dina. I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my prison bitch, I could tell you that I'm gonna make you my house mouse, that I will have sex with you even if we don't have an emotional connection. That I'm gonna do to you what the spring does with the cherry trees, but in a prison way. Pablo Neruda. But why bother? You're too tough, right? Yeah, I know how easy it is to convince yourself you're something that you're not. You could do that on the outside. You can just keep moving. Keep yourself so busy you don't have to face who you really are. But you're weak.

Back the fuck off me.

Piper Chapman

I'm like you, Dina. I'm weak, too. I can't get through this without somebody to touch, without somebody to love. Is that because sex numbs the pain? Or is it because I'm some evil fuck-monster? I don't know. But I do know, I was somebody before I came in here. I was somebody with a life that I chose for myself. And now, now it's just about getting through the day without crying. And I'm scared. I'm still scared. I'm scared that I'm not myself in here, and I'm scared that I am. Other people aren't the scariest part of prison, Dina, it's coming face-to-face with who you really are. Because once you're behind these walls, there's nowhere to run, even if you could run. The truth catches up with you in here, Dina. And it's the truth that's gonna make you her bitch.

Poussey Washington

Man. You're cold.

Piper Chapman

Bitches gots to learn.

Can I ask you one more question?

Piper Chapman

Yeah, of course.

How come everyone calls me 'Crazy Eyes'?

Do you realize that you almost ruined my life? I mean, do you? You made the Almighty God into a joke, and a joke ain't nothing to me. A joke didn't write me letters up in here, and a joke didn't give me hope so I could do my time and make something out of it. What do you believe in?

Piper Chapman

Well, I've always thought that agnostic was sort of a cop-out. But you know, if I had to label it, I'd say that I'm a secular humanist. Which is not to say I'm not spiritual -

You're not religious, okay? Just stop. Stop. You believe in Hussein Obama? Electric cars and Shakespeare books and do you go out to eat at restaurants? I don't have any of that, okay? All I have is Him.

You tried to sell me for a blanket?

Piper Chapman

Well, when you put it that way--

You are sick, you know that? You are seriously fucked up.

You know, she's right, Chapman. You're a horrible person.

Piper Chapman

I'm talking about Alex. She should be under witness protection.

What do you care? I mean, didn't she screw you over in Chicago? Oh, that's right. That's kind of how you two relate, isn't it? It's like Spy vs. Spy, but sexual.

Piper Chapman

... because it is... so .. good to see you... customer ...Would you maybe like another piece of fruit... it's a persimmon.

Uh-Uh That's a dick [everybody laughs].

Alex Vause

You know i have a thing for soft fruits.

Bow-Chicka-Bow-Bow. [everybody cheers and claps]

Piper Chapman

The thermal fuse blew.

And you can fix that by yourself, honey?

Piper Chapman

Well, I sure can if I concentrate extra hard with my lady brain.

Alex Vause

[watching Piper climb up her bunk] Need a little help there?

Piper Chapman

Nope. I've got it, thank you. I called you my girlfriend.

Alex Vause

What? To who?

Piper Chapman

To my parents, and my brother, and my brother's wife.

Alex Vause

[lets out a long exhale] That's a bold move, Chapman.

Piper Chapman

I know. I didn't even mean to say it, but it just... It just came out. And now... Now I can't stop thinking about it.

Alex Vause

[sarcastically] Do you wanna pass me a note and have me circle yes or no?

Piper Chapman

[embarrassed] I'm not asking you to be my girlfriend...

Alex Vause

Oh no?

Piper Chapman

No, definitely not! I just thought... I thought that it was weird.

Alex Vause

Totally weird. [pauses] You know, the Quran is turning out to be more interesting than I would've guessed. Technically, I'm not supposed to be touching it, but I did wash my hands. So, I decided that Allah would be cool with it.

Piper Chapman

Will you be my girlfriend?

Alex Vause

[bursts out laughing] Yeah.

Piper Chapman

Yes!?

Alex Vause

Yes, you idiot!

Piper Chapman

[to the rest of the cell] She said yes.

Good for you, hun.

Sister Jane Ingalls

Mazel tov.

Piper Chapman

It's a prison phenomenon. It's like when you think you've seen everyone, you suddenly notice that there's a girl with a port wine birthmark on her face that has been working with you in electrical since you got here and you'd never seen her before.

Alex Vause

No, that phenomenon is called self-absorbed.

Hey, boss lady.

Piper Chapman

Hey! Um... [awkwardly trying to avert her gaze] You look comfortable.

I like to air dry. Sensitive skin. And these towels are the fucking worst.

Piper Chapman

Oh yeah, they're the worst.

How does it feel being a magnate?

Piper Chapman

No, I'm not really...

Today'd panty smuggler, tomorrow's Fortune 500. Sisters are doing it for themselves.

Piper Chapman

You're too young to know that song!

[confused] What song?

Piper Chapman

Never mind.

So, how's your first shipment doing?

Piper Chapman

We'll know soon.

You must be psyched.

Piper Chapman

It's really nice how supportive you are.

[smiles] Whatever.

Piper Chapman

I was thinking, and I... I think you'd actually be a really great... person to ask about this. I'm thinking the spicy chicken packets might be worth more than the regular chicken packets, because they are certainly proving to be the most popular.

Mm... Sounds like quite a pickle.

Piper Chapman

Mm-hmm, yes.

I'm sure you'll figure out what you want. [She walks right up to Piper, who quickly steps to one side, out of her way] I have every confidence in you. [Heads back to shower] All right, who stole my towel?

Piper Chapman

My job is to handle shit in here. Your job is to handle shit out there.

Okay, Pipes, while I'm really proud of how evil prison has made you, I think you're overestimating your villain index. You're still transitioning. You know, you're not Walter White yet. You're Walter White-ink.