Trigger quotes from Only Fools and Horses

(while Del is handing out sandwiches on the coach) You've got to give Del his dues, ain't ya? He did all the catering by himself.

Mickey Pearce

Oh, leave off Jevon, can you imagine Del Boy standing in the kitchen cutting up all them loaves? He probably got some idiot to do it for him.

Trigger

No, I made them for him. (Mickey nods at Jevon, to prove his point.)

Trigger

What d'you think's wrong with him?

Mike

What do I think? Well, snow-blindness would be my bet, Trig.

Trigger

Yeah? I thought he was pissed.

Trigger

Give me a lift home will you Boyce?

Denzil

Yeah me too Boycie.

Boycie

Oh yes of course I'm running a bleedin' minicab service these days, ain't I?

Roy Slater

I turned to crime. [Del and friends look at each other] I got involved in that diamond-smuggling caper. [Del and friends slowly start walking to the door whilst Slater speaks] And as I, of all people, should know, I got collared. [He stands up and approaches Del and friends, who return to the wall they were at earlier; loudly] I spent three and a half years in a ten foot by six foot prison cell, trying to work out where I'd gone wrong in life. [sits down; melodramatically] Whilst in prison, I found Jesus!

Del

[not impressed] What had they fitted him up with?

Slater

To be more precise, Jesus found me...[sadly]was around about the time I got a message...to say...my old man had...passed away.

Del

[softly] I know, Roy. I went to his funeral.

Slater

Thanks, Del. I wish I could have gone.

Trigger

Why didn't you?

Denzil

Probably because he didn't have a black suit and a bloody big ladder! He was in nick, Trig!

Trigger

Yeah, but I thought they let you out for acts of God like funerals and weddings.

Slater

I applied for temporary compassionate release. My mum wrote to the prison governor...

Denzil

And he wouldn't let you go?

Slater

Not after what that old cow put in her letter!

Mike

So?

Trigger

What?

Mike

What name have they decided on?

Trigger

If it's a girl they're calling her "Sigourney" after an actress, and if it's a boy they're naming him "Rodney" after Dave.

Del

Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.

Trigger

They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.

Mike

So what happened Trig?

Trigger

He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.

Albert

What, he was gonna drive off it?

Trigger

Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.

Del

But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.

Rodney

No! Who held the whip-round?

Del

All the passengers on his bus.

Denzil

[exasperated about Del being secretive] How can we be certain that this stuff [indicates the barrels containing the substance] isn't dangerous?!

Del

[equally exasperated about Denzil's supposed insubordination] Because it is not! And that's the truth! [he goes into the shed, closing the door behind him]

Trigger

There you are, you've heard it from the horse's mouth, now. You get that end... [moves to pick up one of the barrels]

Denzil

What d'ya mean, I've heard it from the horse's mouth?! That's Derek Trotter in there, not bloody Einstein!

Trigger

Del knows what he's talking about. And I don't see what the Beatles' manager's got to do with it anyway.

Denzil

[frustrated] But Trig... [thinks on what Trigger has just said] What?!

Trigger

When we was at school, Del was the best in our class at chemistry. He used to sell homemade fireworks. He even blew up the science lab once.

Denzil

[angry] Yes, I remember! I was doing detention in there at the time!

Trigger

And you say he don't know what he's talking about?

Denzil

[annoyed] Right, that's it, Del! I am not touching them! I'm off!

Del

[still in the shed, therefore unseen] Denzil, now, believe me, it's harmless! And to prove it, I'm gonna help you carry it! Well, I can't play fairer than that, can I?

Trigger

Look, it can't be dangerous, Denzil.

Denzil

How can you be sure?!

Trigger

Cause Del's just offered to help us carry 'em.

Denzil

Yeah, all right, Trig. All right.

Del

[enthusiastically] Lovely jubbly!

It's closed!

Trigger

(checks watch) Well, it's a bit late, innit?.

Del

(turns to face Trigger) What d'you mean, "it's a bit late"? You said it was open twenty-four hours a day!

Trigger

Yeah, but not at night!

Del

Bint!

Denzil

[despairingly] So what do we do now? We've got six thousand gallons of...something, in the back of my van!

Trigger

We could take it down the other council depot I used to work at.

Del

Is it open?

Trigger

No.

Denzil

[angry] Well, what's the point of taking it to your depot if that's not open either?!

Trigger

[puts his hand in his pocket] Well, it soon will be open. [takes his hand out of his pocket. A set of keys are hanging from his fingers.] I got a spare set of keys here.

Del

[glaring at Trigger] Bloody hell!

Denzil

[to Del] Are you sure this is all right?

Del

[angrily] WELL, WHO CARES?!

Trigger

[nonchalantly] Yeah, no problems. [leans forward, to look backwards] Come on, back up. You're all right behind, Denzil.

Denzil

I mean, is it legal?!

Del

[angrily] YES! [Denzil jumps back in his seat] JUST... HUSH UP WITH YOU, DENZIL! [faces forward; calmer] Stone me, it's bloody hot in here! I can't see the fascination with this diving lark!

Sid

There we go Denzil, one bowl of piping hot porridge. That'll warm you up on a cold day.

Denzil

Cheers Sid. (looks at his bowl of porridge) There's a hair in this.

Sid

Give it here.

Denzil

Here's another one.

Sid

Give it here.

Denzil

That's disgusting that is, Sid. If the health authorities saw this, they'd close you down.

Sid

I've been closed down for worse than that Denzil. (to Trigger) I hate these politically correct people.

Trigger

Yeah.

Sid

What'll it be Trig?

Trigger

Er, I'll try some of that porridge Sid.

Del

(confronting Beverly at her workplace, convinced that she's stalking him) Now you listen to me. You leave me and my family alone! You don't frighten me. I'm not scared of you!

(to a patient) Mr. James. (to Del) What's wrong with you, you moron?

Trigger

Oh just a couple of fillings.

Rodney

(dressed as Robin) We didn't know the fancy dress party had been cancelled.

Trigger

Me either.

Rodney

You mean, that's your costume?

Trigger

Yeah. I come as a chauffeur. (thinks) I feel a bit stupid now.

Del

(dressed as Batman) Yeah, you do stand out a bit.

Trigger

When I go in there, I'll just say I hear voices.

Denzil

Trigger, you're not on trial, you're a character witness.

Trigger

I know. But I still hear voices!

Boycie

Oh, God. This is gonna be one of them days!

Trigger

There's nothing to be nervous about, Denzil. All you've gotta do is go in there and tell the truth.

Denzil

Trigger, if I go in there and tell the truth, Del and Rodney'll spend the next five years sharpening Jeffrey Archer's pencils!

Rodney

So ummm... what you doing here, Trig?

Trigger

Well Del said he'd give me a lift to the pub.

Rodney

Oh, right. (realises) But you live closer to the pub than us.

Trigger

I know.

Rodney

In fact, you have to walk past the pub to get to this flat.

Trigger

Yeah? But Del said he'd give me a lift!

Trigger

Ain't there any words to this, Dave?

Rodney

Words? No... no words. Sorta instrumental.

Del

What's this?

Trigger

It's Mozart's symphony number 38 in D Major. It's the karaoke version.