Grandad quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Grandad

(Rodney is angry after finding out the paint used for the kitchen was hooky) Tunnels?

Del

What?

Rodney

No, he said that!

Grandad

Trigger said the paint was used for painting signs in tunnels, well how can you see a sign in a tunnel, it's pitch black innit?

Trigger

Nah it's alright, this is luminous.

Del

See Grandad, it's luminous, which means you can see in the... Luminous?!

Grandad

Oh my good gawd...

Rodney

Is this where you've been for the last couple of days, painting Mum's monument??

Del

It was her favourite colour and we both agreed it needed brightening up.

Rodney

Brightening? It looks more like a rocket launch!

Del

Well, I didn't know it was going to be luminous, did I?

Rodney

Do you realise our mum's grave is now going to become a beacon for every Satanist and acid-head in England? There's gonna be white witches dancing round that on a full moon! There's going to be chicken blood everywhere!

Grandad

What worries me is that it's on the main flight path to Heathrow!

Del

I wish you two could see yourselves; there's Mum and her monument, she's fast asleep, the third coat's hardly dry and you're already quivering in your shoes. Well, I'll tell you this much, I don't regret that I did it, and I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks and their narrow-minded rules! I shall look 'em straight in the face and say "I am the man who's responsible and I'm proud of it!" [Del takes another look at the monument, grimaces and turns to face Rodney and Grandad] We'll put it down to vandals. Come on, let's get out of here before we get our collars felt!

Rodney

You were gun-running in the middle of a civil war?

Grandad

Well, that's the best time to do it Rodney, supply and demand.

Rodney

Why you dirty little mercenary.

Grandad

Oh we didn't do it purely for financial gain. Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause.

Del

Which side were you selling to?

Grandad

Well whichever side had the most money, really.

Grandad

(in the cell, recounting his earlier experience with the Spanish authorities) ...they took Nobby away and tortured him...all through the night, you could hear his screams!

Rodney

Woke you up at one point, didn't it?

Grandad

(shaking his head) The last thing on my mind was sleep, but no matter how hard they tried, Nobby wouldn't say a word... and then it were my turn...

Rodney

(briefly concerned) What... they tortured you?

Grandad

No... but they would have done if I hadn't told them everything I knew!

Del

Can you manage, Grandad?

Grandad

Yeah, I think so, Del.

Del

Mind your hernia! That's not bad, you know? I reckon we done well there.

Grandad

Waste of money if you ask me, come all this way and all.

Del

What do you mean a waste of money? They're beautiful! Not only are they exquisite ornaments, guaranteed to brighten any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box!

Rodney

They are China cats that play "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."

Del

What do you want for £1.25, "Okla-bleeding-homa"?!

Rodney

Don't you think it's a bit sick? A cat playing a song about a dog.

Del

No, it means they're unique.

Grandad

It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in.

Del

Here Grandad. You want a jemmy?

Grandad

Nah. Had one before we left Del.

Del

Grandad! How you getting on?

Grandad

All right Del Boy. I found it Del.

Del

There you are, he's found the nut. Told you we could trust him.

Grandad

I'm starting to undo it.

(rushing under the chandelier with the tarpaulin) Noooo!!!

Del

You silly old duffer, we ain't up the ladders yet!

Rodney

Grandad, don't you touch nothing 'til we tell you!

Del

Right up we go Rodders. Anything you want?

Rodney

Yeah, I wanna go home.

Del

All right Grandad, we're ready. You can start undoing it now.

Grandad

(unscrewing the bolt) It's coming, Del Boy. One more turn, Del.

Del

Right, now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.

Del

(calmy, to Rodney) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier.

Rodney

How can you tell?

Grandad

Alright, Del Boy.

Del

Alright? Look at it!

Grandad

Did you drop it, Del?

Rodney

How could we drop it?! We wasn't even holding it! We was working on that one.

Grandad

Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on this one. Is it very valuable Del?

Del

(smiling) Nah, not really. (angry) It was bleeding priceless when it was hanging up there though!

Grandad

(bedbound) Del Boy, I'd like to be cremated.

Del

Well you'll have to wait till the morning, 'cos they'll be closed now!

Grandad

You wanna watch that young Pearcey, he's a bit too fly for my liking. He'd rob his own grandmother, he would!

Rodney

Oh don't be stupid, Grandad! [under his breath] That was never proved.

Del

Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit. You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch. You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines - what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos?

Rodney

No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're - we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.

Del

Cor, what on 200 nicker?

Rodney

Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.

Grandad

What you got, a Wendy House?

Del

When we see the gamekeeper, when we get down there, we pay him 25 quid.

Rodney

What? And he gives us a fishing permit?

Del

No, he shows us the hole in the fence.

Rodney

I knew it.

Del

It's called business.

Rodney

It's called stealing!

Grandad

No it ain't, Rodney.

Del

Listen to your grandad.

Grandad

It's called poaching.

Del

(when Rodney claims that the Axe Murderer is nearby) So what are you telling me then? The psycho's up stairs having a kip?

Grandad

Well he could be up there, Del Boy.

Del

Well I shouldn't let it worry you Grandad, I should think the three bears have probably eaten him by now!

Rodney

Ah, Picadilly. Right, that's mine and I have a hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds.

Grandad

Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?

Rodney

What?

Grandad

All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.

Rodney

No, you don't understand. Bless his little... Look, it's in the rules.

Grandad

Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.

Grandad

He's a psycho!

Do you have any idea what a "psycho", as you so eloquently put it, is?

Grandad

Of course I have. He is a geezer what dresses up in his mother's clothes.