Uncle Albert quotes from Only Fools and Horses

No-one who pwonounces R's like me has ever become successful.

Albert

There's Roy Jenkins and Jonathan Ross.

Exactly!

Del

Never give up on people, Rodney. I know that most of the time they don't seem to understand. But when you're in trouble and you cry out for help, some will always be there. Trigger's cousin Cyril's a perfect example. He owed 500 quid on his mortgage.

Trigger

They were gonna be thrown out on the street the following day. he was very worried about it.

Mike

So what happened Trig?

Trigger

He drove out to Beachy Head. Parked about five foot from the edge of the cliff.

Albert

What, he was gonna drive off it?

Trigger

Yeah! He just sat there for a couple of hours, his head resting on the steering wheel. People tried to talk to him out of it but he was too depressed to listen.

Del

But then, and this is what I mean about people, Rodney, they had a whip-round and got him his 500 quid.

Rodney

No! Who held the whip-round?

Del

All the passengers on his bus.

Rodney

No, it's a boy alright. Rosemary's Baby was on the telly the other night. It's Del and Raquel to a tee. In a couple of weeks time, we'll be awoken by the cries of our own little bonny, bouncing antichrist. It'll be sitting in it's cot, head spinning round like a propeller, green gung up the wall. They're bound to call it Damien.

Albert

(as if to cheer Rodney up) They were thinking of calling him "Rodney".

Rodney

Rodney! Oh no, poor little sod.

Del

Who is it, friend or enema? [laughs] Get it? - friend or enema!

Raquel

Shut up, Del.

Del

Yeah... yeah, shut up, Del... I'll just go and see who that is, sweetheart. [opens the door to find Albert]

Albert

The specialists are on their way, Del.

Del

Good, good Unc, you go and sit down now, go on.

Del

Oh, excuse me, John, we're having a baby in here.

I know. That's why I'm here.

Del

What are you, a pervo, or something?!

This is Mr McCallum - he's the midwife.

Del

But he's a bloke!

I'm a trained midwife. Now please, get out of my way.

Raquel

[panting] Just let him do his job, Del.

Del

No, he's a bloke!

Raquel

I don't care if he's a trained chimp, get out of his way!

Albert

You call that music, sounds more like noise to me. That's all you youngsters are interested in nowadays.

Rodney

Didn't your generation ever enjoy itself, Albert?

Albert

When I was your age, I was fighting in the war!

Rodney

You must have made more bloody noise than me then!

Rodney

(wearing a "Trotter crash-turban") I look like a human cannonball that's just crashed into a washing line!

Albert

During the war...

Del

Will you shut up!? Can't you see that Rodney and I are in the middle of a very important board meeting? We don't wanna hear stories about U-Boats and giant squids!

Albert

During the...

Del

If you say "During the war..." once more, I'm gonna pour this cup of tea right over your head!

Albert

I wasn't gonna say "During the war..."!

Del

Well that's alright then.

Albert

Bloody little know-it-all.

Del

Alright, sorry.

Albert

Thank you. During the 1939-1945 conflict with Germany...[Del glowers at him]

Del

(taking a smell of the "coffee" Albert just made) Hang about, which coffee did you make this with?

Albert

That jar over there.

Del

This ain't coffee! Smell it, it's bloody gravy.

Albert

Yeah, that's gravy. Well it's not my fault. It's them jars, look. How am I supposed to tell the difference?

Del

I'll tell you how you tell the difference. This one has on the label, Maxwell House coffee and on this one it says Oxo gravy granules. Bit of a giveaway really, innit?

Albert

Well, I was in a hurry and I got mixed up.

Del

I'll mix you up in a min...[realises] Hang on a minute. If you've made gravy in the coffee pot, then what are they pouring over their dinners in there? (goes to look) All right?

Wonderful.

Del

(uneasy smile) Cushty. (to Albert) They're only doing it. They are only out there doing it now! They are only pouring Maxwell bleeding House over their lamb noisewats and veg. I don't believe you. Not only have you managed to sink every aircraft carrier and battleship that you've ever sailed on, but now you've gone and knackered a gravy boat!

Cassandra

(offer Del the "gravy") Del?

Del

No! I mean, no thank you sweetheart, I'm trying to give it up.

Cassandra

Albert?

Albert

Er, not for me dear.

Del

Oh yes, you'll have some. Come on Albert you know how you like your gravy. (completly covers Albert's dinner in coffee, all Albert can do is sit and watch sadly. Del then whispers to him) Git!