Uncle Albert quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Rodney

Albert, did...

Albert

They're rumours, Rodney. That's all, rumours.

Rodney

Look, that big traffic jam was not my fault! Alright, name one person who blamed me!

Del

Mr Jahan did.

Uncle Albert

Grieving relatives did.

Del

The Flying Eye did.

Rodney

How can you be sure it ain't been found? Over the past few years, every policeman and underworld figure in the country must have been looking for that gold.

Del

(talking about the gold that was stolen by Freddie the Frog) And what would they have done with it, eh? They either put it through a fence, which meant it becomes public knowledge, or they smelt it down themselves. And if they do that, well that amount of gold coming onto the market causes ripples, the sort of ripples that would be remembered for a long time.

Albert

What if the police found it?

Del

I'm talking about the police! The chaps never found it either; I had a chat with the Driscoll brothers.

Rodney

(incredulous) You went and saw the Driscoll Brothers?

Albert

Why, what are they like?

Rodney

Oh, they're smashing blokes, Unc! It's like bumping into the Two Ronnies; Biggs and Kray! And they never sussed out why you were asking questions?

Del

No! I mean, you know what they're like! A couple of years ago, some guru reckoned the world would end within a month, and Danny Driscoll bet a grand that it would! And he's the brains of the outfit!

Albert

If you knew he was buried at sea, why'd you ask me to bring this shovel?

Del

So I can whack you on the bloody head with it!

Rodney

This flat is in a wonderful position, isn't it? I mean, fifteen minutes from the West End, it's fifteen minutes from the motorway...

Uncle Albert

And fifteen minutes from the ground.

Del

It's a videotape recorder, isn't it? It's got a little computer and everything. When you go on your holidays, this thing will record all your programmes for you.

Uncle Albert

Amazing!

Del

Yeah, nothing but the best.

Uncle Albert

How does it know when you're on holiday?

Del

You send it a postcard, don't you?

Uncle Albert

I thought the bloke you bought it from said an idiot could work it?

Del

Yes, yes, yes, that's right yes! Rodney! Come along, it's gone six o'clock!

Rodney

Yes all right! Keep the noise down, will you?

Del

Cor blimey, look at the state of that, I've seen blokes crawl out of potholes looking smarter than that.

Uncle Albert

They're big for little dolls, ain't they?

Rodney

Unc, they ain't... ordinary dolls. You see them advertised in... magazines.

Uncle Albert

(starts to hunt around the living room) Where's that Radio Times?

Rodney

Albert, have a day off, will you?! I mean... seedy magazines, for kinky, sleazy little men.

Uncle Albert

You're pulling my leg!

Rodney

Oh, am I? You have a look at this, then! (produces an adult magazine from his jacket)

Rodney

Why have I got bloody cornflakes again?

Albert

It's cause I can't get any food in that freezer! It's filled up with tomatoes he bought last week.

Albert

Bloody fair, innit? A young feller like Rodney stops off to have dinner with a bird and leaves the carrying to an old chap like me. (sets the box down, goes to the front door)

Del

(under his breath, mocking Albert, while taking his coat off) They've got no respect these days.

Albert

They've got no respect these days. (hangs up his hat)

Del

(under his breath, mocking Albert) You fought in the war, didn't you? (puts his coat on the back of a chair in front of the TV)

Albert

(hangs up his coat) I fought in the war, didn't I? I fought so that kids like Rodney could have freedom. (bends over to pick up a letter, straightens up) And what do they do with their freedom?

Del

(under his breath, mocking Albert; Del walks away from the bar, with a tin of beer in his hand) Anything they bloody like!

Albert

(comes back to the living room) Anything they bloody like! (closes the door behind him)

Del

Oh, I unpacked that box and put some of the shirts in the suitcase with it. (notices the letter Albert has) Oh, is that for me?

Albert

(approaches Del) No, it's addressed to Rodney.

Del

Oh, well. (puts his beer down) Same thing. (laughs briefly as he takes the letter from Albert)

Del

There is nothing wrong with me, I just have normal pains.

Uncle Albert

When you cam in tonight you just flopped straight down in that chair in agony.

Del

"You don't understand Unc, that is PMA!

Rodney

I thought it was only women who got that?

Del

No! Rodney that is PMP! PMA is positive mental attitude, It's the new buzz word, it's what all us yuppies get.

(to Boycie, about the ghost of his father) He says you must be a good father. You must look after your child.

Boycie

Is he having a pop at me or something?

Uncle Albert

Elsie, Boycie and his wife Marlene can't have kids.

Del

Yeah they've been trying for years but nitto.

Rodney

Yeah he's had tests, things frozen, the lot.

Mike

The hospital have just about given up with him.

Trigger

He's low on something.

Boycie

(completely furious) Would you mind not discussing my personal life with strangers? You can tell my old man to keep his nose out of my business he was always going on at me for not giving him a grandchild.

Del

All right calm down. (grins) Aubrey.

Boycie

You can pack that in for a start. I'm gonna get a drink [He rises] It's all a load of rubbish anyway I never believed a word of it. [He considers] Excuse me.

Uncle Albert

I remember once just after the war.

Rodney

Oh don't start, Unc!

Mickey

We've had enough of your stupid stories for one day. Albert!

Del

Oi, oi, oi! Watch it! He's a war hero, he's got a right to speak!

Uncle Albert

I fought for free speech!

Del

(to Albert, venomously) Shut up!

Del

How many people can you see standing there?

Uncle Albert

Well... one.

Del

I can see - two.

Rodney

You know what that means, Albert?

Uncle Albert

No.

Rodney

Well, either Raquel's pregnant or Del's pissed.

Albert

Who's there?

Can I speak to Mr. Twotter?

Raquel

It's Tony, let him in.

I've come for me money.

Del

All right, not now son. I'm up to my eyes in it. Come back tomorrow.

No. Not tomowwow. I want me money now. I did the performance, didn't I? I did the wepotoire that you - YOU -insisted on.

Del

I didn't know you couldn't pronouce your R's!

What does that matter?

Albert

Quite a lot when you sing songs with R's in.

I don't sing songs with R's in. And if the song has got an R in it, I change the lywics.

Del

Then why didn't you change the lywics tonight?

How can I change the lywics to "Cwying"?! The bloody song's called "Cwying"!