[Del and Mike, discussing Mike's plan to have the pub redecorated; Brendan has already offered to do it for £1000.]
I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.
Rodney£2000?
That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?
Rodney
Well he's a born businessman isnt he?
Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?
Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vous. £500 for vee.
What you mean I get 500 quid?
And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?
We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.
(grinning) We got a deal, Mr. Trotter.
Rodney
(about Debbie) I've just met the first girl in my life who really means something to me, and it turns out to be my bloody niece!
Alright, Rodney. Come on, that's why I had to tell you, you see, 'cos this sort of thing ain't allowed - it's... well, it's incense! Say you had got married to her - you can see what sort of confusion that would have led to, I would have been your father-in-law!
Rodney
Bloody hell!
Your mother-in-law would have been your aunt, your wife would have been your second cousin - God knows what that would have made Grandad - the fairy godmother I should think.
(heading into Grandad's bedroom) I might as well kip down in there, eh?
No, no, you can't go in there. That's my Grandad's room!
Yeah but - I'm his brother!
Yeah, that don't make no difference. Only me and Rodney are allowed in that room! Thatroom is gonna remain exactly as he left it! That room is going to be a shrine dedicated to the memory of my grandfather.
No, we'll just have to think of something else that's all. Listen, if I get the big mattress out of Rodney's room I can put it down. No, I'd never get it through the door would I.
[Rodney enters from the hall carrying some batteries.]
Rodney
Oi, where'd you want these then?
Oh, sling them in Grandad's room for now will you, Rodney.
[Rodney accuses Del of getting over Grandad's death so quickly.]
Get over it?! What a plonker you really are, Rodney. Get over it - I ain't even started yet!!! Ain't even started, bruv! And do you know why? Because I don't know how to!!! That's why I've survived all my life with a smile and a prayer! I'm Del Boy, ain't I! Good old Del Boy - he's got more bounce than Zebedee! "Here you are pal, what you drinking? Go on! Hello darling, you have one for luck!!" That's me, that's Del Boy innit? Nothing ever upsets Del Boy. I've always played the tough guy! I didn't want to, but I had to and I've played it for so long now, I don't know how to be anything else! I don't even know how to... Oh it don't matter! Bloody family! I've finished with them! What do they do to you, eh? They hold you back, drag you down, (on the verge of tears) and then they break your bloody heart!
Rodney
(whispers) I'm sorry.
[shaking his head at Rodney] They must have seen him coming! [Del enters, glaring at Rodney]
Nice thick frost, is there?
Good. Lovely little flecks of snow?
Cushty. Nice brisk northerly wind howling in from the Urals is there?
Cuts right through yer, Del.
Lovely. 'Cause you see today Uncle Albert, owing to young Rodney's foresight and GCE's, while all them other plonkers down the market are selling woolly hats and thermal underwear, we're gonna make a right killing! Do you know why we're gonna make a killing? We ain't got woolly underwear. We've got sun tan lotion! And we ain't just got a little drop of sun tan lotion... We've got 500 bloody quid's worth of the stuff!
Rodney
I told you before, I bought it as an investment.
An investment!? Menage a trois! In the middle of the worst winter for two million years, with the weathermen laying odds on a new ice age, this dipstick goes out and buys up Ambre Solaire!
Rodney
The weathermen are also forecasting a boiling hot summer! So come May or June, we can sell all that, or swap it for something else!
Like 50 or 60 anoraks, maybe!
Rodney
You won't give me no credit, will ya?
Rodney
Shut up Albert!
That £500 that you squandered on this stuff was the last of the company's capital!
Rodney
Oh, and how was I supposed to know that?
(incredulous) How were you supposed to know that!? You're the firm's accountant, you wally!!!
Rodney
Throw that at me now, will ya?
Oh, look at that! We've got nothing to sell and no money to buy with.
Well it can't be that bad, Del. There must be something you can knock out.
Yeah. I know what I would like to knock out! [glowers at Rodney]
Rodney
The van.
The only thing we've knocked out in the last month was that electric deep fryer I gave to the governor of the Nag's Head and I'm still waiting for a comeback on that!
Rodney
[gesturing at Albert] Well, it's him, innit? I mean ever since he came to live here, we've had nothing but bad luck!
Rodney
Alright, what about the time he was in the Navy!? Every single ship he ever sailed on either got torpedoed or divebombed! Two of them in peacetime! Del, that man is a jinx!
Oh, leave it out, Rodney! Gordon Bennett, you'll be burning witches next!
[Everybody in the court room, including Rodney and Del, discover that Albert learned how to fall without injuring himself in order to gain compensation.]
The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutta. And what was it the insurance companies nicknamed him?!
Rodney
The Ferret.
Rodney
He's had fifteen previous lawsuits for falling down holes.
Those are the known cases, Rodney! How many times has, you know, a landlord settled out of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro? [Albert joins them in his wheelchair; an irate Del blows cigar smoke in his face] Come on, then! How many pubs, off-licenses and drinking clubs have you done in your time?!
Well, quite a few, Del. [Del makes a furious noise] The first cellar I fell down was genuine, honest. But because I'd learned to fall properly, I didn't hurt myself, but I still got compensation and I thought 'This is handy!' So whenever me and your grandad was hard up for a few bob, I'd go and fall down a hole. I was only trying to help, Del.
Rodney
[incredulous] "Only trying to help"?! I was nearly done for contempt for court, [points to Del] his name has been sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions, and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get defrocked! And you were only trying to help?!
I said I'm sorry, Rodney. I didn't want to do it; I mean, I'm past all that stuntman lark. But you two have been good to me these past few weeks, and I wanted to get some money to, well, repay you. [voice breaks] And I wanted to get your grandad his headstone. [Del and Rodney turn to him, surprised]
[genuinely moved] You did this for Grandad's headstone?
He was my older brother Del. When I was a kid, he used to look after me. I never did anything for him – never had the chance to – until now.
I remember what Mum said on her death bed. She said to me: "Del," she said, "please give little Rodney all the encouragement that you can. Never, Del, never hold him back."
Rodney
She didn't half say a lot on her death bed, didn't she?
Rodney
Whatever the subject is, Mum had something to say about it on her death bed. She must have spent her final few hours in this mortal realm doing nothing but rabbiting!
You are walking a bleeding tightrope here, Rodney!!!
Rodney
No, hang on! Right, you remember last week we were having a row about whose turn it was to go down the chippy, yeah? And you claimed that Mum said on her death bed: "Send Rodney for the fish!"
Yeah well, I'd had a few, hadn't I?
Only Fools and Horses · 342 quotes
