Rodney Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Del

Well, I've gotta admire yer bottle Rodders - I must admit. You've been in the business five minutes and already you've opened up a Spanish branch. You've cornered the World market on broken lawnmower engines - what's your partner doing now, is he buying second-hand pedalos?

Rodney

No, no, no, nothing like that, no, we're - we're going into the self-catering holiday trade.

Del

Cor, what on 200 nicker?

Rodney

Yeah well, we're starting in a small way.

Grandad

What you got, a Wendy House?

Del

When we see the gamekeeper, when we get down there, we pay him 25 quid.

Rodney

What? And he gives us a fishing permit?

Del

No, he shows us the hole in the fence.

Rodney

I knew it.

Del

It's called business.

Rodney

It's called stealing!

Grandad

No it ain't, Rodney.

Del

Listen to your grandad.

Grandad

It's called poaching.

Del

It's blowing a ruddy typhoid out there!

Rodney

It's a typhoon...

Del

Hmm? Oh, good idea Rodney, stick the kettle on. We'll have a nice cup of tea.

Rodney

Ah, Picadilly. Right, that's mine and I have a hotel, so that's twelve hundred pounds.

Grandad

Twelve hundred pounds for a hotel next to a smelly old waterworks?

Rodney

What?

Grandad

All them sewers. I'd rather sleep in the car, or look for a bed and breakfast.

Rodney

No, you don't understand. Bless his little... Look, it's in the rules.

Grandad

Twelve hundred quid-it's scandalous. I ain't a tourist you know.

Del

Ah, Park Lane, I think that's one of my properties Rodney.

Rodney

Course it is. You own everything on the board.

Del

No I don't, no I don't. Look, you've got Coventry Street, Grandad has the waterworks and all that. Ah yeah, Park Lane with one hotel, two thousand please.

Rodney

Two... hold on, according to this it's only fifteen hundred.

Del

Yes I know, but I've put you in the penthouse suite haven't I?

Del

You don't know nothing about antiques, do you? I mean, you know, dealers often put little holes in items like these to give it that sort of distressed look.

Rodney

Distressed? Del, this thing looks panic-stricken.

Rodney

Del, for once in your life be yourself, right? And you don't need none of them soppy French phrases neither.

Del

What do you mean, "soppy phrases"? La bonne vie, you stupid ...

Rodney

See what I mean? Del, you can't speak French. You're still struggling with English.

Del

What is it with you, Rodney? Do you like hospital food or something?

Rodney

I'm just being honest with you. Let's face it, Del, most of your French phrases come straight out of Citroën manuals, don't they?

Rodney

Wherever I lay my hat, that's my home.

Trigger

You've got a hat now, have you, Dave?

Slater

Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?

Del

Oh, he was about average height.

Grandad

He was a great big tall fella!

Rodney

Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!

Grandad

Age?

Rodney

About 25.

Grandad

Middle 50s!

Del

He was just a kid!

Slater

What about his ethnic group?

Del

Well, I didn't notice anyone with him.

Slater

No, I mean was he Caucasian?

Grandad

No, he was a white fella!

Rodney

He was African, I think!

Rodney

I'm saying nothing till I phone my solicitor.

Slater

Go on then phone your solicitor

Rodney

I haven't got a solicitor.

Slater

Don't waste my bloody time then.

Del

No I give you fifty quid and you let us go.

Slater

I didn't hear that Del.

Del

I said [louder] I GIVE YOU FIFTY QUID

Rodney

Del.

Del

Who are you two after? Not the gruesome twosome, are you?

Mickey Pearce

They're alright!

Del

What do you mean, "alright"? They are so ugly that they even look alike.

Rodney

Del, they happen to be sisters.

Del

Sisters? (to the girls) Oi, girls! Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?

Rodney

I have had nothing to eat since I've been here.

Del

Why's that? Been too frightened?

Rodney

No, I forgot the tin opener.

Del

Why didn't you pop down for it?

Rodney

Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.

Denzil

He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.

Del

Yeah, he is white, ain't he?

Denzil

The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.

Rodney

I'm not ever so white!

Del

You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.

Del

We gotta think of a way out of this.

Rodney

I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.

Del

Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?