[Everybody in the court room, including Rodney and Del, discover that Albert learned how to fall without injuring himself in order to gain compensation.]
The only hole he hasn't fallen down is the black one in Calcutta. And what was it the insurance companies nicknamed him?!
The Ferret.
The Ferret!
He's had fifteen previous lawsuits for falling down holes.
Those are the known cases, Rodney! How many times has, you know, a landlord settled out of court with a quiet backhander to save all the aggro? [Albert joins them in his wheelchair; an irate Del blows cigar smoke in his face] Come on, then! How many pubs, off-licenses and drinking clubs have you done in your time?!
Well, quite a few, Del. [Del makes a furious noise] The first cellar I fell down was genuine, honest. But because I'd learned to fall properly, I didn't hurt myself, but I still got compensation and I thought 'This is handy!' So whenever me and your grandad was hard up for a few bob, I'd go and fall down a hole. I was only trying to help, Del.
[incredulous] "Only trying to help"?! I was nearly done for contempt for court, [points to Del] his name has been sent to the Director of Public Prosecutions, and Solly and the brief look like they're gonna get defrocked! And you were only trying to help?!
I said I'm sorry, Rodney. I didn't want to do it; I mean, I'm past all that stuntman lark. But you two have been good to me these past few weeks, and I wanted to get some money to, well, repay you. [voice breaks] And I wanted to get your grandad his headstone. [Del and Rodney turn to him, surprised]
[genuinely moved] You did this for Grandad's headstone?
He was my older brother Del. When I was a kid, he used to look after me. I never did anything for him – never had the chance to – until now.
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