Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

I see Boycie's selling pirate videos now.

Del

(chuckles) Yeah... Uh, yeah.

Slater

What number King's Avenue does he live?

Del

I dunno, but you can't miss it. It's the one with the Jolly Roger flying from the chimney.

Slater

Oh, that takes me back, Del. Do you remember when we were kids and we used to go over the pond and play at pirates. You were Dan Tempest. Trigger was Long John Silver... What character did I play Del?

Del

You played the bloke what walked the plank.

Slater

Oh, yeah. The bloke that walked the plank. I was always the bloke that walked the plank. I must have been in and out of that pond more times than a duck's head! I always wanted to be Bluebeard!

Del

Well you should have said so.

Slater

I did say so, but you would never let me!

Del

I did once.

Slater

Oh yeah, I remember, that was the day Bluebeard had to walk the plank!

Slater

Right! Down to business! The face that dropped the microwave oven in the market! What did he look like?

Del

Oh, he was about average height.

Grandad

He was a great big tall fella!

Rodney

Oh, he was little more than a dwarf!

Grandad

Age?

Rodney

About 25.

Grandad

Middle 50s!

Del

He was just a kid!

Slater

What about his ethnic group?

Del

Well, I didn't notice anyone with him.

Slater

No, I mean was he Caucasian?

Grandad

No, he was a white fella!

Rodney

He was African, I think!

Slater

Sorry did you want a cup of tea, Del?

Del

No, it's alright Slater, I had one yesterday.

Grandad

He was just a bloke in the market.

Del Boy

Leave it out Grandad. If Mr Slater was here to believe our descriptions he'd have his men out searching for someone who was a cross between Tom Thumb and the Jolly Green Giant.

Slater

With a Deaf aid

Del

No I give you fifty quid and you let us go.

Slater

I didn't hear that Del.

Del

I said [louder] I GIVE YOU FIFTY QUID

Rodney

Del.

Slater

Come on Del. Who nicked it?

Del

They are free to go, ain't they?

Slater

Yeah, they're free to go, no charges.

Del

And you got nothing on me?

Slater

No, you've got immunity from prosecution, you've got less chance of a pull than the Queen. For the third and last time of asking, who nicked the microwave off the back of the lorry?

Del

I did! (holds up immunity letter triumphantly)

Del

Who are you two after? Not the gruesome twosome, are you?

Mickey Pearce

They're alright!

Del

What do you mean, "alright"? They are so ugly that they even look alike.

Rodney

Del, they happen to be sisters.

Del

Sisters? (to the girls) Oi, girls! Seen much of Cinderella since the wedding?

Rodney

I have had nothing to eat since I've been here.

Del

Why's that? Been too frightened?

Rodney

No, I forgot the tin opener.

Del

Why didn't you pop down for it?

Rodney

Del, desperate men on the run don't pop home to borrow a tin opener.

Do you know that overcoat you sold my dad?

Del

Yeah?

It's got a great, big lump in the back.

Del

Of course! It's genuine camel hair, ain't it?

Denzil

He's cool, I like it. I tell you, if he wasn't so white, I'd swear he was black.

Del

Yeah, he is white, ain't he?

Denzil

The whitest man I've ever seen in all my life.

Rodney

I'm not ever so white!

Del

You are. You'd make an albino look bronzed.

Del

We gotta think of a way out of this.

Rodney

I got it! We could say it was caused by paint fumes.

Del

Paint fumes? When Corinne comes back in here, she's gonna find her kettle's been knackered, her kitchen's been turned into a Turkish bath and she's got a Kentucky Fried Canary at the bottom of her cage. And we're gonna say it's paint fumes?

Del

I might be able to offer you a much better deal my son. I could get this pub decorated to the exact same standard as Brendan, and it would cost your brewery a mere £2000.

Rodney

£2000?

Grandad

That must be a tempting offer, eh Rodney?

Rodney

Well he's a born businessman isnt he?

Mike

Hang about, hang about. Why should I turn down an offer of £1000 and accept one of £2000?

Del

Cos of all the advantages it has to offer, like my specialised profit sharing scheme. Let me explain how it works. The £2000 would be disbursed thus: there would be £500 for vous. £500 for vee.

Mike

What you mean I get 500 quid?

Del

Oh yes.

Mike

And what happens to the £1000 that's left over?

Del

We give that to the Irishman and let him do the job.

Mike

(grinning) We got a deal, Mr. Trotter.

Grandad

Hospital bed? What's wrong with you, Reggie?

Del

Something serious, I hope!

Rodney

You're only one letter out! Look, the only difference between us is a B.

Del

Yeah and we all know what the B stands for!

Del

(pointing to an assortment of household items made from crude oil) What have all these things got in common?

Rodney

They're all nicked?