Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

I had a telephone call from a man, he did not give me his name but he tells me, "Get your kitchen painted or you'll be in big trouble, John."

Rodney

Oh. (penny drops) John?

Del

Yeah, John. You know the expression "John". Cockney expression, bruv.

Have you decided what colour the walls will be?

Del

Oh yes of course you don't think I'd leave something that important to the last minute, do you? (to Rodney) Get that lid off!.

Rodney

(struggling to open a tin of paint) I'm trying.

Del

I thought... and you can shoot me down in flames if you like Mr. Chin, but what I thought the colour these walls should be... (to Rodney) Have you got the lid off yet?!?

Blue.

Del

What?

I like blue.

Del

Oh blue. Je suis frontiers. That is exactly what I thought. I thought why don't we paint these walls a nice subtle shade of blue.

What shade of blue?

Rodney

Yellow.

Del

And then I changed my mind. I thought not blue. I thought we should paint them gold.

Rodney

That's yellow.

Del

This is gold, Rodney. Are you illiterate or something? You see I remembered the name of your beautiful restaurant. Gold for the Golden Lotus.

Del

Don't let him go! That's not gonna please Mr Chin, ain't it?

Rodney

Was it his pet?

Del

No, but number 39 is off the menu.

Rodney

What have you been up to, Del?

Del

Oh, bits and pieces.

Rodney

Where have you been?

Del

Here and back.

Rodney

So what have you been doing?

Del

This and that.

Rodney

As long as I know.

Grandad

I thought you'd winkle it out of him in the end.

Rodney

You swore to me it wasn't nicked. Bankrupt stock you said.

Del

British Rail, same thing init?

Grandad

(Rodney is angry after finding out the paint used for the kitchen was hooky) Tunnels?

Del

What?

Rodney

No, he said that!

Grandad

Trigger said the paint was used for painting signs in tunnels, well how can you see a sign in a tunnel, it's pitch black innit?

Trigger

Nah it's alright, this is luminous.

Del

See Grandad, it's luminous, which means you can see in the... Luminous?!

Don't you "Hello, Mr. Chin" me! What have you done to my walls?!

Del

Glowing, are they? Tell them not to be frightened, cos this is new energy saving paint we're using. It's designed to cut down on the electricity bills. Yeah. Yes. Yes, I understand. I'll be round to see you first thing in the morning. (puts the receiver down)

Rodney

Does he want his money back?

Del

No, he wants you to go round tomorrow and do out his living room in it!

Grandad

Oh my good gawd...

Rodney

Is this where you've been for the last couple of days, painting Mum's monument??

Del

It was her favourite colour and we both agreed it needed brightening up.

Rodney

Brightening? It looks more like a rocket launch!

Del

Well, I didn't know it was going to be luminous, did I?

Rodney

Do you realise our mum's grave is now going to become a beacon for every Satanist and acid-head in England? There's gonna be white witches dancing round that on a full moon! There's going to be chicken blood everywhere!

Grandad

What worries me is that it's on the main flight path to Heathrow!

Del

I wish you two could see yourselves; there's Mum and her monument, she's fast asleep, the third coat's hardly dry and you're already quivering in your shoes. Well, I'll tell you this much, I don't regret that I did it, and I will not bow my head to any snotty-nosed town hall clerks and their narrow-minded rules! I shall look 'em straight in the face and say "I am the man who's responsible and I'm proud of it!" [Del takes another look at the monument, grimaces and turns to face Rodney and Grandad] We'll put it down to vandals. Come on, let's get out of here before we get our collars felt!

Rodney

You were gun-running in the middle of a civil war?

Grandad

Well, that's the best time to do it Rodney, supply and demand.

Rodney

Why you dirty little mercenary.

Grandad

Oh we didn't do it purely for financial gain. Oh no, we both felt a deep commitment to a political cause.

Del

Which side were you selling to?

Grandad

Well whichever side had the most money, really.

Rodney

[discussing Grandad's arrest] They'll just deport him again.

Del

Just deport him? You're joking! They've just had the World Cup here, haven't they?! They've got half of Manchester and Glasgow to get rid of first! By the time we get him back, he'll be eating paella and calling us gringoes!

Del

Can you manage, Grandad?

Grandad

Yeah, I think so, Del.

Del

Mind your hernia! That's not bad, you know? I reckon we done well there.

Grandad

Waste of money if you ask me, come all this way and all.

Del

What do you mean a waste of money? They're beautiful! Not only are they exquisite ornaments, guaranteed to brighten any sideboard, they are also a revolving musical box!

Rodney

They are China cats that play "How Much Is That Doggy In The Window."

Del

What do you want for £1.25, "Okla-bleeding-homa"?!

Rodney

Don't you think it's a bit sick? A cat playing a song about a dog.

Del

No, it means they're unique.

Grandad

It means there was a balls-up at the factory and they put the wrong chimes in.

Del

Here Grandad. You want a jemmy?

Grandad

Nah. Had one before we left Del.

Del

Grandad! How you getting on?

Grandad

All right Del Boy. I found it Del.

Del

There you are, he's found the nut. Told you we could trust him.

Grandad

I'm starting to undo it.

(rushing under the chandelier with the tarpaulin) Noooo!!!

Del

You silly old duffer, we ain't up the ladders yet!

Rodney

Grandad, don't you touch nothing 'til we tell you!

Del

Right up we go Rodders. Anything you want?

Rodney

Yeah, I wanna go home.

Del

All right Grandad, we're ready. You can start undoing it now.

Grandad

(unscrewing the bolt) It's coming, Del Boy. One more turn, Del.

Del

Right, now brace yourself Rodney, brace yourself.

Del

(calmy, to Rodney) Grandad was undoing the other chandelier.

Rodney

How can you tell?

Grandad

Alright, Del Boy.

Del

Alright? Look at it!

Grandad

Did you drop it, Del?

Rodney

How could we drop it?! We wasn't even holding it! We was working on that one.

Grandad

Well I wish you'd said something, 'cos I was working on this one. Is it very valuable Del?

Del

(smiling) Nah, not really. (angry) It was bleeding priceless when it was hanging up there though!

(after listening to Old Shep) Did you have an old dog?

Del

I've had many old dogs in my time!