Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Del

How are we doing for time Rodney?

Rodney

(looking at his watch) Erm, we died 45 seconds ago.

Del

Now here's what we're gonna do. You're gonna leave the club.

Rodney

Leave?

Del

Yeah. And you wait a couple of minutes right? And then you'll come back saying that there's a brand new Rolls Royce Corniche obstructing your three wheeled van.

Del

(after Rodney goes on a date with a policewoman) One minute you're walking along quite nicely, and the next minute... Whack! Life jumps out and gives you sobering thoughts.

Grandad

Oh, I've had a lot of sobering thoughts in my time, Del Boy. It were them that started me drinking.

Del

Yeah, I can understand that. The boy's grown into a man. I don't, I don't feel as needed as I used to be. Soon he'll, he'll fly the nest! But you know what the most sobering thought of the lot is? One wrong word from that plonker Rodney and I could end up doing five years!

Grandad

(to Sandra) Rodney's got a police record!

Del

That's right, it's "Walking on the Moon"!

Rodney

It's Arthur's Ashes!

Del

Arthur's Ashes? That's the black bloke who won Wimbledon innit?

Del

Do you know any hymns?

Rodney

Er "We Three Kings of Orient Are".

(singing) We Three Kings...

Del

(suddenly stops) That's a Christmas carol, you wally. Why don't you go the whole hog, and sing "Jingle Bells" while I sprinkle him around a bit?!

Grandad

You play cards again last night?

Del

Hmm... Yeah. You know me, eh: he who dares, wins.

Grandad

How did you get on?

Del

I lost.

Del

Beneath all this finery, there lies... a berk. Now that surprises you dunnit?

Rodney

No.

Boycie

Is that all you've got Del?

Del

Eh? Uh no, no (nudging his head towards Rodney), Rodney's got the rest for me...

Rodney

Oh yeah... Del, here's the four pound thirty-seven from the empties...

Del

What you got?

Boycie

I've got kings.

Del

How many?

Boycie

Un, deux, tois, quatre.

Del

Four!?

Boycie

I didn't know you were good at maths Del Boy.

Boycie

Come on Del, let's see your two pair.

Del

Well I've got a pair of aces and another pair of aces.

Boycie

That's FOUR aces.

Del

I didn't know you were good at maths either Boycie.

Boycie

(grudgingly) Well done, Del. Nicely played. (whispers) Where did you get those four bloody Aces from?

Del

Same place you got those Kings. I knew you was cheating, Boycie.

Boycie

Oh yeah, how?

Del

Because that wasn't the hand that I dealt you.

Del

How old is she, 20?

Rodney

No, she's about, 30!

Del

How old is "about 30"?

Rodney

40!

Del

(coughing) 40! 40? Stone me Rodney.

Rodney

What's wrong with going out with a woman of 40?

Del

Nothing. Nothing at all, if you happen to be 50! Blimey, she's even too old for me!

Grandad

Well I'd have to think twice!

Del

Oh, but it was only a friendly drink.

But I'm not a friendly geezer. And that kind of thing makes me really angry! I'm gonna teach you a lesson you'll remember for the rest of your life, Rodney, my old son!

Del

Now let's not be hasty, eh? Rodney? Did you say Rodney?

Yeah that's right, Rodney Trotter, that's you, annit?

Del

No, no, no, no, no, no. Yeah I'm... I'm Rodney Trotter, yeah!

Good, okay, Leroy, give him some air!

Del

(to Tommy and Leroy after his camel coat lands in a puddle before the fight) Now look what you made do! That was a brand new coat!!

Del

It's quiet here.

Rodney

(not really listening to what Del is saying) Yeah...

Del

Peaceful.

Rodney

Yeah.

Del

You're decorating the kitchen of a Chinese take away tomorrow.

Rodney

Yeah...

Del

The sun is shining and the birds are singing.

Rodney

(realises what Del has said) What was that?

Del

The sun is shinging and the birds are singing?

Rodney

No, before that.

Del

Everything's quiet and peaceful?

Rodney

No Del, in between everything being quiet and peaceful and the sun shining and the birds signing, you said something about a Chinese take away?