Del Boy Trotter quotes from Only Fools and Horses

Del

(hurriedly, after talking to a couple of "women") Drink up, we're leaving.

Rodney

Why? Are they a couple of ravers?

Del

No, they're a couple of geezers!"

Rodney

(telling Del what he has just accidentally done in the car on their way home) Del, you know that cigar packet you just gave me... I chucked out the window about a mile and a half back.

Del

You what? You pranny!!!!

Del

God! I don't believe it. I just do not believe it! Now look what you've done Rodney, you've smashed up Boycie's E-Type Jaguar.

Rodney

Me? You were driving it.

Del

Don't play bloody word games with me, Rodney! (shouting at the car behind) What's your game pal. What is your game, are you blind or something?

I'm very sorry about that mate, but the brakes on this thing are a bit dicky... You! I've been looking for you two flaming Gollahs all day long... Now come here!

Del

What do you mean "won't see us arrive" I want people to see me arrive

Rodney

In a three wheeled van? Still got no choice have we?

Del

Yes we have. We can take Boycie's E type Jaguar

Rodney

Are you all right, Del? I thought you was in bother!

Del

That's why it took you an hour and a half to come! Didn't Grandad tell you that I'd called?

Rodney

Oh yeah, he told me! "Del Boy's been captured by the Indians!" he said. I didn't know whether to call the police or the Texas Rangers!

(to Del and Rodney) Vimmal Malik has in his possession the one single item that remains of my birthright. It's a simple porcelain statuette of Kuvera. You know who Kuvera is?

Yeah.

Del

You don't know who Kuvera is!

Rodney

Well he was, er, I don't know.

Del

See what I mean Mr. Rahn, he's got 2 O-Levels and he thinks he's Bamber Gascoigne's vest.

Rodney

Alright mastermind, who is he?

Del

Kuvera was one of India's Premier Wicket Keepers.

Rodney

You berk!

Kuvera is the Hindu God of Wealth.

Where's your watch Derek?

Del

It's at the menders, I broke it last night playing you know volleyball.

I thought you were right-handed.

Del

No, I'm ambiguous.

Rodney

No sign of Vimmal?

Del

No, he packed his bags and had it away on his toes five minutes after we left! As Macbeth said to Hamlet in A Midsummer Night's Dream: "We've been done up like a couple of kippers."

Rodney

Get us a packet of pork scratchings, will you?

Del

Pork scratchings! Sounds like a pig with fleas!

You never married yourself, Del?

Del

No, no no, I never fancied myself!

Del

Look at that Rodney, she's only had two husbands die on her.

Rodney

Yeah? One more and she keeps the match ball, don't she?

Grandad

(On the phone) 'Ere, there's someone on the phone. It's Tim.

Del

Tim who?

Grandad

Tim the Talking Clock. (Rodney takes the phone as Del double checks the note)

Del

Hold a cow! She only phoned the talking clock before she left! And this i-- (turns the note over) Gordon Bennett, this is dated four days ago!

Rodney

I don't want to worry you, Del, but this Tim's got a funny accent.

Del

(takes the phone and listens. A look of horror crosses his face) She only phoned the talking clock in America!

Grandad

(taking the phone) You mean we're connected to America? (listens) It's amazing, innit? Hello!!

HANG IT UP!!

Del

My only worry is, is a 59-seater bus gonna be big enough?

Grandad

A tandem would be too big!

Del

This time next year, we'll be millionaires!

Grandad

You said that this time last year!

Del

I'm not a ruthless mercenary. Who is it that goes around the estate every Christmas time, making sure all the old people have got enough to eat and drink?

Rodney

Yeah, and who was it, during the Brixton riot, that drove down in the van, selling paving stones to the rioters? I mean, what did you think they were going to do with them, eh? All run off home and start building patios?

Del

Mine is not to reason why, mine is to sell and buy.

Rodney

I'd never wear a British uniform on principle.

Del

What principle?

Rodney

Well, on the principle that the Russians might shoot at it.