Roz Russell quotes from Night Court

Bull, I'm sure if you just tell Roz what happened, she'll understand.

Roz

[storms in] When I find the butthead who stole my coffee mug, I'm gonna yank his shorts out through his nose!

[whispers to Mac] Would that hurt?

Oh, yeah.

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CMr. Carney

Come on, give me a break, I've been in a coma for twenty years.

Roz

In that case, you want to bet on the Packers this Sunday?

Uh, Your Honor, the defendant, Mr. Carney, had no apparent hope of recovery. The doctors asked Mr. Higgins, his nephew and only living relative, if they could pull the plug. Choking back the tears, Mr. Higgins told the staff, "tag him and bag him, Doc."

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[Roz is wearing an elf suit.]

Roz

Are you laughing at me, Dan?

[laughing] Yes, I am laughing at you. Men have died laughing at less.

[Roz pulls out a large plastic candy cane and presses the tip against Dan's chest.]

Roz

Pick a body cavity, Dan.

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So, you think your old alma mater's got a real chance this year, huh?

Harry

I'm telling you, Mac, this is the best team that East Chesapeake has seen since a scrappy midfielder name of Harry T. Stone s...

DMDan/Mac/Bull/Roz

[in unison] Scored the winning goal to bring mighty Florida Tech to its knees.

Harry

Ah, the legend lives.

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Roz

[holding a sheaf of mail] Fan mail's here.

Ah yes, the Fielding juggernaut gathers steam!

Roz

These are Christine's. [extracts a small postcard] This one's for you.

[takes it] Well, every vote counts.

[While he checks the address, Roz reads the message on the other side.]

Roz

"Get your mud-sucking pig face off my TV."

Ah-ha. An undecided.

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[sees an envelope] All right, hallelujah! Cynthia Dalbey! The fruits of compromise. This is just the grease we need to get the Fielding campaign machine roaring again!

I can't believe you spent the night with that woman just for a campaign contribution.

I did it for the people. [opens the envelope and looks at the check] Twenty bucks?! Who does that overstuffed potato think I am?!

Roz

[reading a note that came with the check] This might explain it. "Dear Dan, you're no Jack Kennedy."

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[Roz places a large box on Mac's desk.]

What's that?

Roz

Evidence from the Darcy case. They need IDs.

[looks inside] Aw, man! These are those damn sex toys! How am I supposed to identify these? [They both look across the room at Dan. Mac carries the box over.] Hey, Dan! You know this stuff?

[looks inside, big smile] Like the palm of my hand.

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JJames

I need to talk to you, Roz. Is there someplace quiet?

Doesn't get quieter than up here!

[They both look at him.]

...Ah. Well, I could leave you in the custody of a fellow bailiff...

[He gives Roz an obvious wink, then goes downstairs.]

Roz

That was stupid. He knows he's not supposed to leave you alone with me.

JJames

Because you might let me go?

Roz

Because I might throw you off the roof!

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Roz

I'd like to talk about what you did up on the roof.

[modestly] Oh, that's okay, Roz, you don't have to thank...

Roz

What the hell is the matter with you?! You knew how I felt about James! You never leave a prisoner with someone who might let him go! Now you could have lost your job. And don't you ever do anything like that again, do you hear me?

[looks down, tiny voice] Yes, ma'am.

Roz

Good. Now bend over.

[Bull looks up in alarm. Wincing, he leans down... and Roz kisses him tenderly on the crown of his head.]

Roz

[softly] Thank you.

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Well, I happen to be the owner of five thousand acres of prime New Jersey swampland, that might interest one Jordan King.

Roz

How do you know that?

A little birdie told me.

Dan, you heard that from Bull!

All right, a huge bald condor told me.

Dan, that information was privileged! Don't you have any scruples?

[grandly amused] You've known me for five years. You can ask me that question?

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[Dan is working at a restaurant under an assumed name.]

Roz

You're broke, aren't you?

You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.

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Before you warm up the tar and feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to my side of the story.

JCJudge Casement

Are you suggesting I'm unfair?

You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and you took as character witnesses people who don't even know me.

JCJudge Casement

They were all women you slept with.

That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.

JCJudge Casement

I'll take that into account. Anything else?

Yes. I would very much like to thank my friends for coming down here, and sticking up for me. Especially you, Roz.

Roz

Beats sitting here listening to Harry.

I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson and Mr. Wood for teaching me a very valuable lesson. You see, all of my life, I wanted to be rich and important like you. As a kid back in Louisiana, I used to wear a necktie while slopping hogs. I would pretend that the miserable beasts were reporters, all clamoring to ask me questions about my latest courtroom triumph. I would graciously answer each in turn, until my bucket was empty and my tie was covered with pig phlegm. All these years, I kept dreaming, and then suddenly, I had the opportunity to become one of you. To my own surprise, I said no. Because when I really looked at you for the first time, I realized that you're not better than the people I grew up with. You're not even any better than the pigs.

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[Christine is in labor in an stuck elevator]

Roz

I got a feeling we're getting close to showtime, sir.

Harry

Is there room for a person to lie down in there?

A full grown man, two women, and a midget with a camera. [Harry and Roz look at him] Just an estimate.

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