Dave Nelson quotes from NewsRadio

Matthew

Dave, when am I getting my job back? 'Cuz, I am going stir crazy.

Dave

You have to have patience, Matthew. I'm doing everything I can.

Matthew

Well, I'm doing my part.

Dave

I know. Unfortunately, that is precisely why you were fired in the first place.

Dave

[about Bill] Oh God, I have created a monster.

Catherine

No, he was already a monster. You just made him a very popular monster.

Dave

Bill, who is that man, and what the hell is he doing?

Bill

Oh, Cadbury's my new manservant. Isn't that right, Cadbury?

The master is correct.

Dave

You hired a butler?

Bill

I prefer the term "gentleman's gentleman".

Lisa

Do you really think that Bill is going to spend three hours a day teaching his child the difference between integrated and non-integrated algebraic functions?!

Dave

No, but raising children is about love. Didn't you have any love when you were growing up?

Lisa

Yes, of course we had love, at very judiciously determined intervals. I'm sure Bill is just going to lavish it on them all the time!

Bill

It's like my father used to say: "When I was a child, I thought as a child and spoke as a child. And when I became a man, I took that child out back and had him shot."

Dave

Bill, was your father in the Khmer Rouge?

Bill

Automotive sales.

Dave

When did you get the piano in here?

Bill

Over lunch. I find that I do my best work behind the piano, like Beethoven.

Dave

Or Steve Allen.

Bill

I have a two-part question, chief. One, what does Lisa look like naked? And two, what does Lisa feel like naked? This question is for both candidates.

Dave

I'll field this one. As a prospective news director, it would be improper for me to answer that question. But if the unthinkable was to happen and I was to lose this election, well, then I could answer that question in almost pornographic detail.

Bill

[nodding, impressed] Good answer.

Matthew

Dave, we have got to get rid of that security door.

Dave

No, we don't.

Matthew

Yes, we do. A little bird just flew into the glass and died.

Dave

Really? [They go over to look.] Matthew, that's a Cornish game hen.

Matthew

Doesn't it make you want to cry?

Dave

You didn't even bother to defrost it.

Bill

[to Mr. James] You don't recognize you own phone number?

Dave

He changes it every week.

Bill

Why do you do that?

Security.

Joe

Big Brother?

My whole damn family, actually.

Dave

I agree. I think something needs to happen to relieve Matthew of this responsibility.

Joe

You want me to kill him?

Dave

No, I think that if something were to happen to the car the investigation might not be that aggressive.

Bill

I took Lisa out to lunch.

Dave

Did you?

Bill

It was a lot more than lunch. A lot more.

Dave

Wait a minute. You and Lisa didn't have... coffee, did you?

Bill

Yes, coffee... In bed... After we did it.

Dave

Bill, you and Lisa did not do it. And while I applaud your misguided efforts to make me jealous, I have work to do. So... leave.

Bill

I don't care about making you jealous. I just care about pleasing your woman.

Dave

Lisa is not "my woman".

Bill

And how!

Dave, what do you say we hire someone to work at the station for no money?

Dave

Ah, so you're considering hiring an intern?

Well, I was hoping we could call him a "Jimmy James Rockin' Ranger", but I guess "intern" has a ring to it too.

Dave

This wouldn't happen to be one of your weird nephews, would it?

No, no, no. This is one of my normal nephews.

Dave

[groans]

I'm serious, Dave. This kid's so normal he makes Richie Cunningham look like a crack smoking porn freak.

Dave

Bill, this is not a frat house. We do not haze the interns.

Bill

Come on, all the top companies are hazing new employees!

Lisa

Bill, that's a lie.

Bill

Read the papers. Corporate America is finally waking up to what fraternities and biker gangs have known for years. Hazing works!

Dave

Bill, is your life so boring that you have to fantasize about imaginary love triangles you're not even a part of?

Bill

Yes.

Lisa

Did you get upset when that sweet 18-year-old kid in accounting had that crush on you?

Dave

Oh, that was different.

Lisa

Why?

Dave

Well, for one thing, he was a guy. And he was convinced I was gay. And he brought his mother to work and introduced me as his boss-slash-husband.

Lisa

It was still flattering, wasn't it?

Dave

Oh, lord, yes.