Dave Nelson quotes from NewsRadio

Lisa

You're Canadian?

I am?

Lisa

Not you, sir. Him.

Oh no. Dave? He's from the Midwest, the heart of America where the real Americans live. You're as American as apple pie, aren't you, Dave?

Dave

Yeah.

Lisa

Then what is this all about?

Dave

What's what all ab- uh... What's what?

Lisa

You're afraid to say it, aren't you.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Yes, you are.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Yes, you are. If you have nothing to hide, say "about".

Dave

No.

Lisa

Say it.

Dave

No.

Lisa

Say "out".

Dave

No.

Lisa

House. Couch.

Dave

Your honor, I plead the fifth.

Lisa

I don't know if you have that right.

Dave

I do too, eh.

Oh my God.

Dave

"You suck." "You suck." "Howard Stern rules." "If you can read this you are a dork." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a girl." "We need more complaint cards." "Coupon for one free kiss from Joe if you are a guy."

Joe

Hey.

Dave

[pulling out a fortune cookie slip] "You will go on a journey, happy long time." "Matthew is a moron." "No I'm not." "Yes you are." "No I'm not infinity." "Yes you are infinity plus one." And this one, "I have doobie in my funk," which I assume is some sort of reference to the Parliament Funkadelic song, "Chocolate City." Uh, "You got peanut butter in my chocolate. You got chocolate in my peanut butter. Together they taste like crap." "Matthew has been staring at me all day... and I love it." I don't think I get this one, it says, "I try to be good hard-worker-man, but refrigemater so messy, so so messy."

Lisa

I think that one's probably from Milos, the janitor.

Dave

Oh. Refrigem... oh, then that one's legitimate.

Dave

Uh, "Who's the black private dick who's the sex machine with all the chicks."

SHAFT.

Bill

I thought we'd all enjoy that.

Dave

[reading one last card] And, "Help, I'm being held prisoner in a complaint box," which is actually kinda funny.

Bill

The eyes are the windows to the skull, my friend.

Dave

Soul.

Bill

For those who have one, yes.

Dave

Matthew, Bill is not a god.

Matthew

Time will tell.

Dave

Joe, why is that kid duct-taped to your back?

Joe

Because I needed both hands free to demonstrate the many other uses of duct tape!

Joe

Dave, did you ever stop to consider that it might be one of the 15 or 20 other guys who work in this station?

Bill

Joe's right. How come every time there's a problem you assume that it's one of us. What about them? What if it was... that guy who's name I don't know? Or that guy who sits by him? Or the girl-

Dave

Because somebody gave those people the impression they're not allowed in the break room.

Bill

Well Dave, I consider that room a private sanctuary where I can escape from all those horrid little people whose names I don't know.

Dave

Bill, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade?"

Bill

Dave, haven't you ever heard the expression, "When life gives you lemons, make lemonade, and then toss it in the face of the person who gave you the lemons until they give you the oranges you asked for in the first place?"

Dave

Have you ever heard the expression that you can catch more flies with honey than you can with vinegar?

Bill

Have you ever heard the expression, "Only a hillbilly sits around figuring out the best way to catch flies?"

Dave

Bill, what possessed you to negotiate a raise that would cripple the station?

Bill

Greed.

Dave

And what has that greed gotten you?

Bill

Money.

Dave

And what has that money gotten you?

Bill

Happiness, but stop trying to cheer me up!

[about the word "non-profit"] It's an oxymoron.

Dave

You mean like military intelligence.

Yeah, or Swiss cheese.

Bill

[looks at a picture on Dave's desk] She looks like quite a woman, Dave. Your mom is really something.

Dave

Bill, that's Lisa. This is my mom.

Bill

Oh. Now I don't feel so guilty trying to picture her naked.

Dave

Bill, these people are insane.

Bill

Oh, really? Then why did they elect me Prime Minister of Ward 15 this morning?

Dave

Can't you ever just be sincere and normal?

Bill

In real life? No.

Dave

What do you mean, in real life?

Bill

On the radio I open up completely, really bare my soul.

Dave

You do news, traffic, and weather.

Bill

But I mean it.

Dave

What kind of job are you lined up for, anyway?

Bill

I'm working on an act.

Dave

I thought your whole life was an act.

Dave

Why is it that everyone's solution to everything around here is some sort of covert plan?

Joe

That's a secret.