Dave Nelson quotes from NewsRadio

Dave

She steal your high school sweetheart or something?

Beth

Oh yeah, of course, because whenever two women are fighting it's obviously over a man, because, you know men are all important and women are nothing. Men are great! All hail king man!... But yes, she did steal my high school sweetheart.

Bill

What's interesting about radio?

Dave

Well I think it's a fascinating medium.

Bill

You're from Wisconsin. Artificial light is fascinating to you!

Lisa

Every Christmas my family sends out this newsletter, you know, and it's all about what my brothers and I have been doing, blah-di-blah blah blah.

Dave

You know my mom does that too.

Lisa

Really? Does your mom have her newsletter professionally typeset with full color photographs by a former art director of Vanity Fair?

Dave

No, my mom cuts out pictures of all the kids faces and pastes them on reindeer bodies... But we like it!

Dave

Hi, Bill...something wrong with your leg?

Bill

Not that I'm aware of, but thanks for asking.

Dave

If there's nothing wrong with your leg, then why the cane?

Bill

The what?

Dave

The cane. Your walking stick.

Bill

Oh, you mean my cane. Picked her up at an antique store over lunch. They say she's over a hundred years old. Hand-carved mahogany with a solid brass tip. What's the matter, Dave? Don't you like my cane?

Dave

Again, Bill, why do you have a cane?

Bill

You like my cane, don't you, Catherine?

Catherine

It's a cane, Bill. Who cares?

Bill

[laughing] You see, it's just like that saying: "Everybody loves a cane."

Dave

No, Bill, I believe the saying is "Everybody loves a clown", which is what you look like with that thing.

Bill

Ahh! You're jealous of her, aren't you?

Dave

No, Bill, I'm not jealous of her. It's just that it's such an obvious affectation, a desperate bid for attention.

Bill

Maybe. Or maybe I just like canes.

Matthew

[whispering] Dave.

Dave

Matthew, why are you whispering?

Matthew

Because lately Joe has been looking at me with hate in his eyes. It's like he's zapping me with hate rays. Zap, zap-zap-zap.

Dave

Zap, zap-zap-zap, eh?

Matthew

Dave, please don't mock me.

Dave

It's very hard not to.

Bill

I have a problem, can we talk in your office?

Dave

Sure.

Bill

Thanks, and for Pete's sake, take that off, it makes you look like a 12 year old...[takes hat off] Oh, I'm sorry, I thought it was the hat.

Dave

Any inappropriate expenditures will be deducted from your salary in the future.

Beth

That is going too far.

Dave

No, taking a cab to New Jersey and back is going too far.

Beth

That was radio-related business.

Dave

There are plenty of places in Manhattan to buy a radio.

Beth

Dave, it was a 43% off sale. Apparently, the guy who owned the place went crazy and was slashing prices.

Dave

Well I may go crazy and slash paychecks if I see another receipt like that.

Dave, you're the boss. You're supposed to be thick-skinned.

Dave

I'm plenty thick-skinned.

Oh yeah, I've seen thicker skin on a bowl of pudding. Here, check this out...

Dave

Sir, you really don't have to do that to impress me.

You wanna know the secret?

Dave

Wild guess... thick skin?

Well, metaphysically, yes. Technically speaking, you do it 15, 16 times it kills all the nerve endings in your hand.

Bill

I hear you're opening for the great one.

Dave

Tell me, where do you get your misguided confidence?

Bill

Not confidence, Dave. Experience. I have spoken in front of dozens of fraternal organizations across this great land of ours.

Dave

Really?

Bill

Shriners, Lions clubs, Elk lodges. It's like I'm their king or something.

Dave

Well, well, well. A kingdom of fat men in mini cars. You must be very proud.

Lisa

Are you nervous about that speech tonight?

Dave

No, I'm cool.

Lisa

You're cool?

Dave

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm cool. I'm just... I'm, you know... chillin'.

Lisa

Well, word to your mother.

Dave

You're telling me you don't want to go to New Hampshire because... your cats will kill you?

Matthew

It's called responsibility, David. Wake up and sniff it.

Dave

By the way, you'll be happy to hear that you're going to New Hampshire after all.

Lisa

How come Matthew's not going?

Dave

Well, apparently if he's away from home for more than 30 minutes, his cats start plotting against him.

Lisa

And people say you're whipped.

Dave

So, Theo, you want to work in broadcasting?

Anything would be better than what I'm doing now.

Dave

What are you doing now?

I give motivational speeches for corporate events.

Dave

I'm sorry Joe, but I can't let you do this.

Joe

Okay.

Bill

Hang on there buddy. I know a diamond in the rough when I see one.

Dave

What are you talking about Bill? You look- You can't just pluck someone off the street and put him behind the microphone.

Bill

Of course you can. How do you think Edward R. Murrow was discovered?

Dave

That is not how Edward R. Murrow was discovered.

Bill

Don't try to confuse me with the facts. Joe, don't let this nattering nabob of negativity break your spirit.

Dave

Okay, enough fooling around.

Bill

All right. I guess we'll have to agree to disagree on this one. Trying to reason with savages is thirsty business. I'm going to get another cup of coffee.

Dave

Joe, I'm sorry, I can't let you do this.

Joe

That's okay man, I don't care.

Dave

All right. Great.

Joe

But you got to get somebody in here because we're back on the air in 15 seconds.

Dave

Right. Uh-

Joe

Bill just went to the break room.

Dave

Uh-

Joe

You gotta get something, I can cover it man. It's no big deal.

Dave

Are you sure you know what you're doing?

Joe

I just got one question. What's this mean, "You're listening to WYNNYX"?

Dave

That's WNYX, Joe.

Joe

I'm kidding. Relax.

Dave

All right, good luck.

Joe

No problem.

Bill

Dave, don't worry about it. You know what they say: "Mighty oaks from little acorns grow."

Dave

...Thanks, Bill. Do you get all your lines from fortune cookies?

Bill

Envy not that which not need be possessed.

Dave

Thanks, Bill.

Bill

Good fortune happy lucky big time for you and family. That one doesn't make a lot of sense, but it's always stuck with me.